I need to dump him (Offensive word warning)

[OntheWaves40]

Been seeing someone 12 months. Nice, down to earth, guy or so I thought.
Today, in reply to “what have you been up to” (I don’t even want to repeat it it’s that bad) he said “nothing much, just been monging out in front of the telly”.
I’m so mad at myself, I didn’t react, I just thought wtf did he just say that, is there a different meaning that I’ve totally never heard of etc. I’ve got home and realising there is no excuse, I know what I have to do I’m just bloody gutted that he turned out to be so vile.

Break it off. Do him a favour. I didn't read the other thread but it sounds like you may have a few on the go. Complete over reaction.

I've never heard the term as a synonym for relaxing so assume that it's used by people much younger than me.

I'm old enough to remember mong and spaz being used as derogatory terms for people with Down's syndrome and cystic fibrosis. Because of this, they were thrown around as insults when I was at secondary school.

If I heard someone use the term monging (before being educated on this thread) I'd ask what they meant but would then explain the derivation and wait for their reaction. I'd hope that they would be mortified but wouldn't dump them without a conversation.

I've not read the whole tweet so I may be repeating...

I used to use language like that that I am now disgusted would ever come out my mouth. My friends and I would call each other retarded if we did something daft, gay, mong, etc.

I then had a baby with a disability. It wasn't until then that I fully realised how disgusting my language was and I am ashamed that I would ever think calling someone gay because they weren't being the life and sole of the party or a retard for dropping something was acceptable and just a bit of fun!

My point is unless you explain to him that it's not acceptable he maybe doesn't realise! Educate him!

I have heard this used a lot for 'lazing about'. I'd never say it personally but it did seem like a common saying round here whilst I was growing up.

Why don't you just speak to him and tell him? Seems a bit OTT to immediately dump him and not even discuss it. Maybe he just wasn't aware.

Massive overreaction from you OP

You are overreacting calling him vile. Some people don't know or think of the meaning. You should of said something there and then about it though, be weird to being it up after silently fuming for however long. If he says it again bring it up straight away and that it's an offensive word please don't use it. I can't believe you dump someone just based on using that expression one time

I've only ever heard the word used to mean relaxing/chilling out.

As for 'spaz' ...when I was thirty odd I was diagnosed with a spastic colon .... never realised till about 15 years later that ibs is what I have and they're the same thing ..... I can see why they changed the name of the condition though.

Massive over reaction on your part, I've heard the word but had no idea of its connotations until now.

In any case, if your posting history is to be believed you have many other men to fall back on.

@JinglingHellsBells

OP I'd dump him for being boring.

Watching TV all day?

Nah.....boring person.

Please tell us all about your super exciting day, whilst we are in lockdown during a pandemic?

I find it hard to believe that some people happily go about using 'spaz'. 'Spaz' and 'spak attack' were primary school playground insults and anyone heard saying it would be damn well pulled up on it. It's clear what the meaning is, as the intention behind it is clearly to describe some kind of 'freak out'.
So jarring to hear it. I'm shocked adults use it unapologetically.

@SparklingIsolation I certainly did😞

I was trying to mumsnet and talk to dd at the same time. Not a good idea to attempt multi-tasking on a thread like this.

I think you are over reacting. I hear people say it all the time and I am very sure they are not using it as an insult to disabled people, it has just become a turn of phrase

Yeah, time was, that would have been an opportunity for a conversation: " You do know what that word means, don't you?" And him to feel momentarily embarassed and apologetic and resolve not to use it again. Not in 2020, - you have to immediately assume he's into eugenics or something

If he's a 90s teenager and possibly a former stoner, that word was used frequently ime with no consideration of its root, to convey the feeling of being high and lazy. We didn't mean anything by it and wouldn't use it now, except as a slip-up.

“Just a turn of phrase” it was but it’s origin is offensive and dated so should not be used.
Read up on it if you’re not aware.

I remember when Scope used to be called The Spastics Society. And the charity boxes that said "Help the Spastic".

You obviously need to be a certain age to remember when these terms were in common usage-plus Mongoloid/Mongol for someone with Downs Syndrome, so someone younger might not know the connotation (as with vegging out).

But it's odd that these "new" words do have that connection, isn't it?

Of all the words that could have been chosen-or all the words already available?

@Bookoffacts

I used can't be arsed for years without realising it was rude. I just never made the connection.

How is it rude? It just means "can't be bothered to get off my arse and do something"

Some people don't know where words come from. Maybe if you told him he'd be shocked and never say it again

Spastic/spasticity is a medical term so not offensive when used by The Spastic Society now called Scope. It’s only because people used it as an abusive term that it started to have negative connotations.

Freefromdinomeat, I also dont watch tv all day

It's ignorance to use that phrase

This is where you educate him, as someone who works in the field.

It was a common phrase when I was a schoolchild. The same way my Nan -who was a nurse in a LD hospital - spoke about working with 'the mentally retarded'. She wasn't a nasty person, even when language changed, that's the term they used back then and she stopped following the news in her 70s.

Luckily we've moved on to be more respectful about people with LD, the same way we have moved on with anti-racism and other Equality issues, and the language we use.

It isn't his field and he used an unfortunate phrase that he didn't realise the connotations of. Just tell him.

If he continues being disablist, then you have your answer that you and he are not a good match.

If he learns and says 'oh I'm sorry I didn't realise', crisis averted.

Btw, I find disablism the last bastion of ADP / equality that many people still don't fully get. It has such serious repercussions, so you are right to challenge it.

I don't find that offensive vat all in that context. It's just lazing around. Words have different meanings. If you find that alone a reason to dump him then you definitely sound Uber high maintenance. Why don't you tell him why you find it offensive?

Fucking hell, thoughtless yes and if he used it again after you had explained I'd be thinking twice but genuinely at you immediately dumping someone over something like this

*OP I'd dump him for being boring.

Watching TV all day?

Nah.....boring person.*

For all you know, he might have been watching documentaries 🙄 During a pandemic where movement is still restricted.

You are massively overreacting. Just tell him what the word means, chances are he doesn't know.