WW3 because I watched a TV programme

[Frances2468]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.

My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.

I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.

Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.

Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.

I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.

I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.

About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"

I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.

He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.

He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.

I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.

This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?

He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.

He says I like to play the victim.

I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him

@ TheVanguardSix put it much better than me !

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!"

How did he say this though. I suspect most of us if we watched a programme together with a partner and came in and saw them watching is a fairly normal reaction. Was he angry or did you just perceive that. Or was he angry because he felt you did it deliberately

The toxicity comes from what is next. You then cant handle even that and dont say anything (why what did you think would happen) and then it escalates into him being frustrated and angry.

I would say yes it probably is over

Totally out of order from him, you did nothing wrong, DH and I wouldn't bat an eyelid if one person watched a show we'd been watching together without the other, it wouldn't be an issue at all, the other would either watch it by themself or we'd watch it again together. I didn't know so many people wouldn't do it if I'm honest. Nasty, controlling behaviour from him and not your fault at all.

Honestly I gave up watching TV when I was with my ex husband because he would constantly do this, however...

...that is a pretty major reaction on your partner's front, and the fact he is happy to be video chatting with an ex with no regard for your feelings, then demand an apology for you watching a TV programme is a bit bloody rich.

I am stunned at some of the response. Saying it's an arse move watching a tv programme that you usually watch together. Really?
Just because you usually do something together doenst mean that it always has to be like that. It's a bloody tv programme that he is demanding an apology for.
There's loads of stuff that me and DH watch together but if I'm at work he'll watch and I see it on catch up or something. I wouldn't start demanding an apology! That's outrageous!

I think people should be offering support over the reaction than critizing her watching a programme without him.
If he behaves like this over a reality programme which is more or less instantly forgettable what is he like over issues that are more important and he doesn't like what you think or do about them?

Jesus WTF... he is justified in being pissed off because you watched a TV programme without him? Seriously?

No, OP. He is out of order. You are an adult and you are perfectly within your rights to watch whatever you like on TV yes, even if its something you watch together without his permission. This does not begin to justify his reaction to this.

As an aside, I'm bemused by the idea that being in a relationship with someone entails an obligation to watch favourite TV programmes together -- with the implication that if one of you watches it unilaterally its somehow disrespectful. I just don't get this at all. Would you insist on reading a book together in serial? Or reading a page of text on the internet? Just bizarre.

Adults are individuals, even when they're in a relationship, and have their own autonomy.

Leaving all this aside, he is an abusive prick and you're absolutely right that this relationship is not worth the candle.

I think there may be a connection between your self-deprecating thoughts and the way talks to you, his anger, and his demands for an apology.

Is he ever kind? How often? Does he ever make you feel good about yourself? How often?

OP I am astounded that posters on here are telling you off for essentially watching a TV programme without your partner

Yes it might be the programme you watch together but for goodness sake you are both adults it's not the end of the bloody world. He had NO right to talk to you like that and treat you like you had committed some heinous act.

I have a programme I watch with husband but I work nights, so if he watches it while I'm working so bloody what, I'm an adult I can cope with that. On night off I can watch it with him and he is happy to watch again and no it doesn't spoil it for us.

He sounds like a controlling person asking you to "apologise and then we can move on"
I would be moving on but without him. If he treats you like this over something so trivial then that speaks volumes about the person he truly is.

I agree his reaction sounds completely over to top. Perhaps, he's feeling low and fed up with lockdown too? It's not easy for anyone is it? Without knowing him it's difficult to tell whether he's an arsehole or just behaved like one on this occasion - there is a difference. Is he often like that?

Leave him to cool off today and see where it goes. If you can talk at some point I would apologise for watching it without him but make it clear you didn't think it would upset him so much.

To be honest, saying you need to break up with someone over a minor row in a stressful circumstance sounds a bit of an over-reaction to assuming this is an isolated incident.

too

Oh OP, we all make minor mistakes in a relationship - I keep loading the dishwasher in a hurry and then some dishes aren't washed properly etc. Someone's reaction to minor mistakes will tell you about the health of the relationship. It's ok to be slightly annoyed - although if it's a cheesy reality show and now a drama I really don't understand why - and you either find a slot to watch without your partner or ask your partner to rewatch it.

But, you already know his behaviour is disrespectful and out of order. Please don't keep putting up with this.

He behaved like a dick definitely and has overreacted massively. However, as you sat down to watch the programme did it not occur to you that it was a bit mean to watch it without him? I’m wondering if it was a reaction to him chatting to his FWB.

But the thing that jumped out at me was He says I just can’t handle being told off WTF?! You’re not a child.

So you can't watch a TV show without him, but he can have a video call with an Exfwb although he knows it upsets you.

Sounds like he can do what he likes while you have to watch everything you do.

I know this Lockdown is highlighting a lot of issues within a relationships. Maybe it's time to think about what you are getting out of this relationship and whether it worth continuing, and maybe it has run it course and needs to end.

@theonlywayisapple

If you always watch it together then you shouldn’t have watched it.

What! How controlling is that? My DH and I watch things together, but sometimes I watch an episode on my own, he watches it on catch up, everything's fine!

I am wondering whether you have done this sort of thing before which is why he is so angry at you.

Also it looks passive aggressive as hell considering you went into the bedroom saw him still talking to his friends and then deliberately watched a TV show you would normally watch together.

I don't buy this bullshit of there was nothing else to watch. 12 years a slave is an incredible film but not one to watch when you are feeling low.

Amazon Prime allows you to click "free to me" on the menu bar to show you everything it has which is extensive. YouTube has millions, absolutely millions of things to watch that you could have chosen instead.

I think you both need to look at your behaviour.

OP, the fact that your 'partner' is so controlling is shit. First of all, the worst thing about this is that he arranges a video call with friends including an ex that lasts for so long, away from you, and expects you to just sit and wait for him! He's a total prick and you need to get rid.

The fact he video calls his ex FWB is weird, the fact that he got so irrationally angry about you watching a programme you would happily watch again with him is weird. Do you get any enjoyment out of the relationship?

@EnidsCrochetCorner

I am wondering whether you have done this sort of thing before which is why he is so angry at you.

Also it looks passive aggressive as hell considering you went into the bedroom saw him still talking to his friends and then deliberately watched a TV show you would normally watch together.

I don't buy this bullshit of there was nothing else to watch. 12 years a slave is an incredible film but not one to watch when you are feeling low.

Amazon Prime allows you to click "free to me" on the menu bar to show you everything it has which is extensive. YouTube has millions, absolutely millions of things to watch that you could have chosen instead.

I think you both need to look at your behaviour.

A woman's place is not to sit round waiting for a man to tell her when she can and can't watch something whilst he spends half the night chatting to his ex.

He's had a night to cool off but is still wanting to continue, and win, the argument. That suggests to me this is more likely to be who he is rather than an out of character reaction under unusual and stressful circumstances. Add to that, partners that truly add value to our lives are the type who rise to the challenge of unusual and stressful circumstances, not the type who, when the going gets tough, take their frustrations out on those they are meant to love and support.

@Clutterbugsmum

So you can't watch a TV show without him, but he can have a video call with an Exfwb although he knows it upsets you.

Sounds like he can do what he likes while you have to watch everything you do.

I know this Lockdown is highlighting a lot of issues within a relationships. Maybe it's time to think about what you are getting out of this relationship and whether it worth continuing, and maybe it has run it course and needs to end.

Exactly!

I think you need help with your anxiety. You also need to get out of this relationship. I dont think your partner has time for your issues and you need someone who can support you.

I would next time tell him to fuck off with his apology and say next time dont be on Zoom so long! He holds all the cards in this relationship. Tip back that balance or leave.

He’s well over reacted ( and I don’t get why those who watch tv shows together wouldn’t watch on their own if there was nothing ekes on, as long as they were prepared to watch it again)

I couldn’t stand that sort of childish behaviour followed by demands to apologise.

I would be having a talk with him about his overreaction and behaviour and an expectation he should apologise.

If he wouldn’t it would be the start of the end of the relationship
Life is too short

There is a difference to watching a programme because there is nothing else to watch or watching a programme because you are annoyed at your partners video call to friends. The first I would laugh it off but all bets off next time we are watching something together the other is passive aggressive and I would be angry not because of the programme but the sulky response instead of a conversation. I’d depends on what lens he is viewing this.

He says that I just can't handle being told off.
Who made him the parent of you? He doesn't get to "tell you off"
He's a dick.

EnidsCrochetCorner

"I am wondering whether you have done this sort of thing before which is why he is so angry at you.

Also it looks passive aggressive as hell considering you went into the bedroom saw him still talking to his friends and then deliberately watched a TV show you would normally watch together.

I don't buy this bullshit of there was nothing else to watch. 12 years a slave is an incredible film but not one to watch when you are feeling low."

I am just speechless at this.

He goes on a video call with someone he used to sleep with. You decide to watch a TV programme without consulting him and you are as bad as he is? WTF?

OP, ignore these comments from surrendered wives. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. He is being a dick. Your reaction to this suggests he has damaged your self-esteem through this behaviour and I think its clear that you need to get out of this relationship.

Meanwhile a lot of you people on this thread need to have a word with yourselves. Abuse is abuse. The idea that it is somehow justified by, of all things, the OP's failure to consult her Lord and Master on watching a TV programme, is just astonishing.

This is possibly the most depressing thread I've read on MN this year.