WW3 because I watched a TV programme

[Frances2468]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.

My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.

I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.

Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.

Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.

I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.

I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.

About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"

I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.

He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.

He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.

I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.

This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?

He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.

He says I like to play the victim.

I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him

[TheWitchCirce]

I don't think you two like each other very much - so yes, possibly time to move on.

[derxa]

I think the reason some of us feel sympathetic to the partner is because of the way the Op posted. Things like. Her comments about not being attractive and then she says she was feeling low so watch 12 years a slave. Then there was nothing else at all to watch apart from a programme she knew they were watching together and she lived without TV for 4 years but had nothing else she could have done with her time.
It's all a bit

[tenlittlecygnets]

Did you watch the programme because you were cross he was on a Zoom with his ex-FWB? Sounds a litle passive-aggressive.

Could hehave been feeling guilty about Zooming/you being upset and his feelings came out in deflection/anger?

Is he usually like this? What's the rest of your relationship like? Is he a bully generally?

(12 Years a Slave was never going to be a lazy watch to cheer you up...)

[LillianBland]

He goes on a video call with someone he used to sleep with. You decide to watch a TV programme without consulting him and you are as bad as he is? WTF?

OP, ignore these comments from surrendered wives. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. He is being a dick. Your reaction to this suggests he has damaged your self-esteem through this behaviour and I think its clear that you need to get out of this relationship.

Meanwhile a lot of you people on this thread need to have a word with yourselves. Abuse is abuse. The idea that it is somehow justified by, of all things, the OP's failure to consult her Lord and Master on watching a TV programme, is just astonishing.

THIS! All of this! ☝🏼

I can’t believe how many full grown adults would sulk or be angry, if their partner watched something without them. You’re part of a couple, not part of a bloody dictatorship! You don’t have to do everything together, at the same time.

[tenlittlecygnets]

@Skyliner001 - Google will help you! Friend with benefits.

[tenlittlecygnets]

Also, whatever the reason, his reaction was totally OTT and he sounds like a shit.

[LillianBland]

@Skyliner001

No idea what an FWB is.

Friend With Benefits. Otherwise known as a fuck buddy. Apparently watching a program downstairs, without your lord and master is worse than spending time FaceTiming someone you used to fuck on a regular basis.

I could have sworn this was 2020, but apparently it’s still the 1950s.

[Frozenfan2019]

Oh come.on. the OP lives without TV for 4 years but when her partner was doing something she didn't like she decided she just HAD to watch the one show she knew would hurt his feelings and nothing else as all would do.

If you don't want him to have a friendship with this person that's legitimate but you discuss it together. If he refuses to cool the friendship the THAT would be a legitimate reason to end the relationship.

FWB - friends with benefits.

[BertiesLanding]

You have done NOTHING wrong, OP. Nothing. This is not about the episode - it's about the state of your relationship and his total lack of respect towards you. Even if he were annoyed, there's no excuse for him to respond to you in the way he did.

Roundly ignore those defending him. The world's going mad, as are quite a few people on this forum.

[Frances2468]

No, I didn't watch the programme to get back at him at all! I just watched it coz I like it and I wanted to watch it! If I knew it would have caused this then I wouldn't have.
I watched 12 years a slave because I felt like I should with BLM and I knew it would capture my attention long enough but I couldnt stick it out

[Skyliner001]

Thanks for the help. I tried google (always my first port of call) but it through up a lot of Mumsnet posts with the abbreviation in despite searching for "FWB meaning".

[Skyliner001]

[GrandAltogetherSo]

Fuck me! I can’t believe I’m reading a classic case of domestic abuse and posters are actually supporting the abuser.

What fucking planet are you lot on???

Your DP has behaved abusively towards you by sulking and demanding an apology just because you chose to watch a TV programme without getting his permission first.

I’m really sorry but this is just the beginning of him controlling you OP and you need to get out of this damaging relationship.

[derxa]

What was the programme?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Friend
With
Benefits

[Frozenfan2019]

Your DP has behaved abusively towards you by sulking and demanding an apology

Is this really abuse. He was upset. He was overreacting of course but is being upset and asking your partner to apologise really abuse?

[InspectorCludo]

Hands up here, if me or DH watched an episode of something we normally watch together by ourselves, the other would be annoyed.
Might sound petty to some but we hardly have any time together and watching something for the first time with someone who is re-watching an episode isn’t the same.

That said, if this did happen it wouldn’t cause WW3.

Sounds like there is much more going on here then the tv programme. If you don’t think you should apologise OP then don’t. If you both apologise, will that make everything ok or is the relationship at a stage where it’s one argument after another? In which case the apology is pretty meaningless.

[tara66]

Storm in a tea cup? The economy is down 20%.

[InspectorCludo]

@Frozenfan2019 I agree.

If it’s a pattern of behaviour then maybe so. If this is a one off where he got irritated and then sulked when you didn’t apologise I wouldn’t class it as abuse either.

[dobbyssoc]

Whilst his reaction is OTT I also agree that I feel like you only watched it because he was talking to someone 'prettier' than you and you were pissed off about it. Surely you know who his friends are and knew this woman would be on the call?
It sounds like you have a streaming service so not sure why you couldn't have picked something else?

[ArcheryAnnie]

He goes on a video call with someone he used to sleep with. You decide to watch a TV programme without consulting him and you are as bad as he is? WTF?

OP, ignore these comments from surrendered wives. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. He is being a dick. Your reaction to this suggests he has damaged your self-esteem through this behaviour and I think its clear that you need to get out of this relationship.

Meanwhile a lot of you people on this thread need to have a word with yourselves. Abuse is abuse. The idea that it is somehow justified by, of all things, the OP's failure to consult her Lord and Master on watching a TV programme, is just astonishing.

This! Bloody hell, there's a lot of crappy relationships out there if people are coming out on this controlling jerk's side.

[WhatIsLife20]

Why is he sitting up in your bedroom on a video call to an ex FWB? Weird

[hadtojoin]

He says that I just can't handle being told off.

Like one of the others said 'He's not your father' What gives him the right to 'tell you off' and expect an apology ! He is totally OTT.

[callmeadoctor]

Yes, he was out of order, but maybe he is struggling too? Its hard for everybody at the moment and maybe it was a final straw thing? However he should have apologised to you, so yanbu imo.

[Institutkarite]

@LillianBland

He goes on a video call with someone he used to sleep with. You decide to watch a TV programme without consulting him and you are as bad as he is? WTF?

OP, ignore these comments from surrendered wives. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. He is being a dick. Your reaction to this suggests he has damaged your self-esteem through this behaviour and I think its clear that you need to get out of this relationship.

Meanwhile a lot of you people on this thread need to have a word with yourselves. Abuse is abuse. The idea that it is somehow justified by, of all things, the OP's failure to consult her Lord and Master on watching a TV programme, is just astonishing.

THIS! All of this! ☝🏼

I can’t believe how many full grown adults would sulk or be angry, if their partner watched something without them. You’re part of a couple, not part of a bloody dictatorship! You don’t have to do everything together, at the same time.

I agree with this, I also am amazed at all the posters with overactive imaginations. The ones that are inventing scenarios.
This is a truly depressing thread. To see so many women rushing to blame another woman. To minimise emotional abuse. Where's the support or solidarity.