Hi everyone,
I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.
My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.
I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.
Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.
Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.
I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.
I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.
About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.
He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"
I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.
He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.
He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.
I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.
This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?
He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.
He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.
He says I like to play the victim.
I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him