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AIBU?

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Original poster

WW3 because I watched a TV programme

354 replies

Frances2468 · 12/06/2020 07:53

Hi everyone,

I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.

My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.

I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.

Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.

Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.

I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.

I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.

About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"

I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.

He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.

He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.

I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.

This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?

He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.

He says I like to play the victim.

I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Frances2468 · 12/06/2020 08:13

I am not blaming him for feeling upset, but his behaviour felt really nasty last night

OP posts:
Frozenfan2019 · 12/06/2020 08:17

I don't really get why you watched a slave movie when you were feeling down? You say you have been struggling with your emotions so surely you know to avoid things like this. I say this as someone who is also suffering from depression.

I get the feeling from your post that you are trying to justify watching this programme by telling us in detail about how you felt about the call, the depressing film you were watching and how he has reacted etc. But really how you are feeling about yourself is concerning and it's not his fault. If he used to sleep with one of his friends and you are genuinely uncomfortable with that you need to address that separately with him.

I wouldn't end a relationship over this. Accept that you probably shouldn't have watched it. You say you lived without a TV for 4 years so why on earth did you HAVE to watch anything? What did you do before to relax yourself?

onalongsabbatical · 12/06/2020 08:17

He overreacted massively and sounds abusive. The stuff about the TV prog is utterly irrelevant, can't believe anyone's making a deal out of it OP. You sound nervous and scared of him, which is NOT OK. Flowers

TorkTorkBam · 12/06/2020 08:18

You were mildly out of order.

He was MASSIVELY out of order and is even carrying his unreasonableness over to a new day.

No wonder you are depressed living with such a knobber.

123th · 12/06/2020 08:19

I'm a nightmare for watching things without my DH. We just watch it again if it's something he's interested in or I tell him what's happened and we move on. I know most people wait but I think kicking off is totally over the top. I would have just started the episode again?

PrincessHoneysuckle · 12/06/2020 08:20

I agree with @FreeFromDinoMeat.He reaction was fucking weird.Maybe u should have picked something else to watch but reacting like that is out of order.

ASundayWellSpent · 12/06/2020 08:22

Hi is a prick and making a big deal out of nothing.

However my DH also doesn't like watching things with me if I have watched them previously as its "not the same"... weirdo

BraveGoldie · 12/06/2020 08:22

OP, there is something about how you tell the story that feels a little bit addicted to being a victim - stressing all the upset/ Downess you were feeling and the moment to moment experience for you - making lots of room for your difficult emotions, but not much for his.

Your account also seems to be escalating as posters are not that sympathetic. In your first post, you say he "said" things to you. Now you are saying he shouted?

dontdisturbmenow · 12/06/2020 08:24

I expect the issue runs deeper than you watching a programme without him. It's likely the fact that he thinks you did so to make a statement. A passive aggressive way to let him know that you didn't like that he was on a video call for quite some timewith someone who makes you feel insecure.

If he has nothing to feel bad about at all because he really is genuinely just friendly with her, I can understand him him feeling pissed off with the implication and what he sees as you trying to make him feel bad for it.

thedancingbear · 12/06/2020 08:25

TBH, OP, it does feel a little bit like you were pissed off with him being on his video call, and watching the programme was a way of needling him.

Shouting and swearing is never appropriate in a relationship, but at the same time you can't do thinks that are designed to get a reactions, and then complain when there is a reaction.

Trevsadick · 12/06/2020 08:26

I am not blaming him for feeling upset, but his behaviour felt really nasty last night

I think this is spot on.

derxa · 12/06/2020 08:26

You poor wee soul.

NeutrinoWrangler · 12/06/2020 08:27

I understand him being miffed, but he's definitely blowing it out of proportion. I think you need to tell him what you've written here, assuming you want to understand one another better. I'd base my next move on his reaction. Maybe you'll realise he's not such a catch, or maybe you'll both learn how to treat one another more kindly and respectfully.

As an aside, I suspect many people wouldn't be happy with their partner keeping in close touch via video chat with a former FWB, so I wouldn't feel guilty for having issues with that. (Just one of the many reasons FWB are a bad idea, in my opinion...)

TheVanguardSix · 12/06/2020 08:28

You were mildly out of order.

No. You weren't. You weren't out of order in ANY sense, OP. SMH.
You did NOTHING wrong.
You do have free will, you know. I really cannot emphasize enough how wrong his reaction is. You didn't make a unilateral decision to get pregnant. Now that would be out of order. You watched a TV show while he was upstairs having a chat. You engaged in an activity as did he, separately.
OK so you watched your shared programme without him. Big deal. He can catch up. Or you can watch the episodes again with him if you want. His reaction is abnormal. Children have more sense, tbh! His reaction would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. No wonder you're depressed. It sounds like life under your shared roof is entirely on his terms.

dottiedodah · 12/06/2020 08:28

I think his reaction was OTT ,but would be annoyed if DH watched any of our favourite TV shows on his own TBH. Maybe apologise and move on seems an odd hill to die on to me!

TooTrueToBeGood · 12/06/2020 08:29

I have depression.....

Not hard to see a major reason for that - him!

CowsGoBaaaaa · 12/06/2020 08:30

He’s a dick. What sort of grown man has a tantrum, and what sort of grown man has a tantrum about something so trivial? How long have you been together? If it’s not for long I’d say is this type of relationship really worth the hassle?

SunshineSusan14 · 12/06/2020 08:31

If we are watching a series together then I wait for my DP and if he is busy on the phone or doing something else I'd find something else to watch. However your partners reaction was totally over the top. Demanding an apology and making such a big deal of it is quite controlling and very immature.

I would say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry I didn't realise it mattered so much to you' with a big sigh to let him know how pathetic and beneath you the whole drama is.

TooTrueToBeGood · 12/06/2020 08:33

Maybe apologise and move on seems an odd hill to die on to me!

Apologise for what - watching a TV program? The apology is so much more than just a "sorry", it's what it symbolises. It is a demand by him that she accepts all blame and submits to him completely as the dominant party in the relationship. He is a controlling bully and the more she submits to his unreasonable behaviour the worse both he and her depression will get.

sonjadog · 12/06/2020 08:34

His reaction was way over the top for what you did. Does he like to punish you for things? Has he done this before? If this is his personality, then you might want ot rethink if he is a good man or not.

TheWernethWife · 12/06/2020 08:34

FFS OP - I'm definitely in the minority here, so what if you watched something you normally watch together, you both can watch it again can't you.

Is he 7 and often has tantrums like this.

I have been with my partner for over 30 years and never had this watching TV together malarky, we are not joined at the hip.

QualityFeet · 12/06/2020 08:34

OP I have no idea why people are evaluating whether you should have watched a film or should have watched the reality programme. You can watch what you want whilst your partner FaceTimes an old fuck buddy. I watch things with my partner but if we haven’t made time I will watch ahead and he will catch up or I will. We are after all adults who can communicate.

He shouted at you. You apologised and he carried it on this morning. You say there has been loads of petty arguments - sounds horrid. He sounds horrid and self entitled. You wouldn’t be expected to shout about his long videos call with an old FWB I bet. Partner no kids? Get rid and you can do what you want then get together with someone who can communicate.

Beechview · 12/06/2020 08:39

It’s not his place to tell you off.
Why does he think he needs to tell you off like a child?
Why does he say you act like a victim?
To be honest, from your post, it does seem like you act like a victim. There seems to be a lot of misery and angst over this call he was having but the victim mentality could also be because of the dynamics between the two of you.
Is he a bully? Does he generally like to tell you off and tell you what you should be doing?

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/06/2020 08:40

It's not your job to validate the feelings of a wanker.

Move on. You deserve so much better.

Oldbutstillgotit · 12/06/2020 08:40

I really don’t understand why some people think you did something wrong watching a TV programme on your own . DH and I watch Coronation Street together( and have done for nearly 30 years!) however if one of us is out / busy we just watch on catch up .
OP to me he sounds like a bully and it’s maybe time to consider your relationship. I bet your MH would improve .