WW3 because I watched a TV programme

[Frances2468]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.

My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.

I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.

Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.

Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.

I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.

I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.

About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"

I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.

He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.

He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.

I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.

This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?

He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.

He says I like to play the victim.

I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him

[LizzieMacQueen]

You have communication problems. But please don't be scared of him.

FWIW I would have re watched an earlier episode of your favourite programme rather than watch ahead.

[Tiredmum100]

Personally I wouldn't have watched a TV programme if it's something both me and dh watch together. I would have read a book or come on mn/Facebook or played a puzzle game. My first thought it was a passive aggressive dig at him for being on video call with an ex FWB. However you say it's not. Were there other people in the video call as well? I do think he was in the wrong to shout at you and his reaction sounds very OTT. How is your relationship overall? Is he usually like this?

[LillianBland]

@tara66

Storm in a tea cup? The economy is down 20%.

So? What has that got to do with the OP? She didn’t cause it. Go off and start a thread about it, if you’re so concerned. In the meantime I choose to spend MY time trying to help an upset Pieter.

[LillianBland]

*poster

[thepeopleversuswork]

*FrozenFan2019

"Is this really abuse. He was upset. He was overreacting of course but is being upset and asking your partner to apologise really abuse?"

Asking your partner to apologise for having watched a TV programme without prior consultation? Getting angry and sulking?

For me that's evidence of an unbalanced, controlling and unpleasantly codependent relationship. Which is abuse in my book.

At the heart of it are two things: a) how much independence and autonomy you have within the relationship and how much you need to "consult" your partner on decisions and b) how you treat one another within the relationship when one of you does something the other one doesn't like.

For me the idea that someone needs to "sign off" with their partner on watching a television programme, and that her failure to do so invites anger and a demand for an apology, is completely insistent with having a mature relationship.

Yes he may have been justified in being mildly pissed off but at worst it deserves a slightly cross mention. If you really think your partners would be justified in flying off the handle and continuing an argument into the next day because you decided to watch Tiger King or whatever alone, I would suggest you all need to grow a pair.

[RedskyAtnight]

OP is not really a TV watcher. Nor am I, buy my DH is, and there are only a couple of programmes that we watch together. If I'd watched one without him, it's not "just a TV programme" in the same way it would be if we both watched loads of TV all the time. It's more akin to planning a "date night" and then doing the activity without your DH.

So I can understand why he's annoyed and wants OP to apologise.
Whether it was OTT depends on what OP means by "really angry". OP also mentions "other things I've done wrong". Interested to know what she means by this - perhaps this was a "last straw" moment?

[slashlover]

In fact I don’t think I could be with anyone who went off doing video calls with an ex.

Ex was part of a group of friends. Should the DP have refused to go on the call if ex was there? Should he have asked the group to choose between them?

[Frances2468]

Honestly it was not a passive aggressive dig. I don't like the thought of it but I know that is my problem - not his. It was with a group of friends not just the ex FWB. He had a video call with these friends on Monday too and I didn't do anything!

I had no ulterior motive I just wanted to watch the damn programme! And like I said if I knew I would get this reaction, well it wouldnt have been worth it.

I think lockdown is certainly getting to us both. We have been arguing over petty things like who has been doing more housework etc.

Tbh I am fed up of him. I am fed up of feeling this way. Everything feels like a constant battle. I would leave if I had somewhere to go. I am unhappy :(

[Nickname21]

He sounds like a prick. He also doesn't get to 'tell you off' he's not your dad.

[EverdeRose]

To be fair it sounds as if you decided to watch a tv show you normally watch together on your own as punishment for him having a group call with this woman you feel jealous of.

I'm not saying his reaction was reasonable but it does seem there's more to this, like you mentioning going upstairs to get changed and seeing her on the call. Do you often check up on him when he's speaking to others?

[HuggedTheRedwoods]

@GrandAltogetherSo

Fuck me! I can’t believe I’m reading a classic case of domestic abuse and posters are actually supporting the abuser.

What fucking planet are you lot on???

Your DP has behaved abusively towards you by sulking and demanding an apology just because you chose to watch a TV programme without getting his permission first.

I’m really sorry but this is just the beginning of him controlling you OP and you need to get out of this damaging relationship.

This!

I'd seriously reconsider what this relationship is about OP, it doesn't sound a good place for you.

[Whichoneofyoudidthat]

Do you have family you can go to?

[Whichoneofyoudidthat]

@EverdeRose

To be fair it sounds as if you decided to watch a tv show you normally watch together on your own as punishment for him having a group call with this woman you feel jealous of.

I'm not saying his reaction was reasonable but it does seem there's more to this, like you mentioning going upstairs to get changed and seeing her on the call. Do you often check up on him when he's speaking to others?

To be fair? Nothing about your post is fair.

How do you extrapolate getting changed to checking up on him? Good god.

[thepeopleversuswork]

Frances2468


Frances, honestly I think you've been given a massively rough ride on here which has genuinely shocked me. I don't think you've done anything wrong and I think most posters here need to take a hard look at their own relationships. I would ignore all these ridiculous comments about how its wrong to watch TV on your own.

That aside, you're clearly feeling very low and this relationship is not supportive of your self esteem and you need to leave. You say you wish you had somewhere to go: do you have family or friends you should stay with?

[FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack]

You could have watched the whole series and it wouldn't have justified his reaction.

[Frances2468]

@EverdeRose

To be fair it sounds as if you decided to watch a tv show you normally watch together on your own as punishment for him having a group call with this woman you feel jealous of.

I'm not saying his reaction was reasonable but it does seem there's more to this, like you mentioning going upstairs to get changed and seeing her on the call. Do you often check up on him when he's speaking to others?

It was 9.30pm, I wanted to put my pj's and dressing gown on - sorry!!

[Microwaveoven]

I think you have a victim complex.

If you do not have a victim complex your OP would have said.

"last night I watched a programme on my own which DH and I normally watch together. DH got angry at me and demanded an apology. I don't want to apologise. AIBU?"

But you didn't you gave us all a huge back story about what a victim you are to get us on your side.

If you think your DH is abusing you then leave. Don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself and do nothing about it.

[Alittleshortforaspacepooper]

He said "I just can't handle being told off"

That concerns me. You are a grown up and an equal partner in this relationship. He doesn't need to "tell you off" for things. This suggests something deeper going on with the dynamic between the two of you that makes me feel uneasy.

FWIW, if DH watched an episode of a programme that we watched together without me then I would be a bit put out and would probably say something like "awe, you watched it without me!" And then I would move on with my life. I wouldn't throw a strop, I wouldn't "tell him off", and I wouldn't demand an apology.

He sounds like a dickhead and from your updates on here I'd say it sounds like you've already realised that he makes you unhappy. Now you need to take the next step and end this relationship.

[Lweji]

Tell us more about these arguments about house work. Does he tell you off as well? Or do you him?

[Auridon4life]

Tell his friend with benefits to go away shes not wanted and move that twat out of your house.

[TwilightPeace]

If you think your DH is abusing you then leave. Don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself and do nothing about it.

Fucking hell, epic victim blaming there.
It’s not so easy for abuse victims to just get up and leave, especially when they have nowhere to go, especially when there’s a global pandemic.

[Shoxfordian]

I wouldn't watch something my dh and I were watching together without him either but he wouldn't be so unreasonably angry if I did. Do you have anyone you can go to stay with? There's no point in being with someone if it just makes you miserable

[Merryoldgoat]

The conversation in my house would’ve gone like this;

DH - you watched it without me? Oh man!
Me - sorry - I just didn’t fancy anything else and needed a lift
DH - well don’t tell me what happened and I’ll watch it tomorrow.
Me - I’ll watch it again and pretend I haven’t seen it
DH - don’t be daft - do you want some tea?

He’s nasty. It’s simple as that.

And, FYI - he doesn’t get to tell you off - you’re an adult and not his child.

[TheExterminatingAngel]

I'm still struggling with the line he says I just can't handle being told off.

Told off??! Partners in adult relationships don't "tell one another off". Neither do they become angry because their OH watches "their" TV programme.

I'd say it's better if they don't have online chats with people they used to shag, either.

OP, it sounds as if you have quite a low opinion of yourself, and it's sad to read this. Being in a relationship with someone who treats you like a naughty child won't be helping. The best thing you can do, especially as you don't have to consider any children, is take your courage in both hands and leave. It isn't easy, but you don't deserve to have anyone behave like this towards you. Have you got any RL support from family/friends, or anyone you could stay with?

[Frances2468]

@Microwaveoven

I think you have a victim complex.

If you do not have a victim complex your OP would have said.

"last night I watched a programme on my own which DH and I normally watch together. DH got angry at me and demanded an apology. I don't want to apologise. AIBU?"

But you didn't you gave us all a huge back story about what a victim you are to get us on your side.

If you think your DH is abusing you then leave. Don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself and do nothing about it.

I see your point. However I didn't want to drip feed, and thought it would be more useful to give more information and context, I dunno