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Original poster

WW3 because I watched a TV programme

354 replies

Frances2468 · 12/06/2020 07:53

Hi everyone,

I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.

My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.

I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.

Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.

Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.

I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.

I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.

About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"

I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.

He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.

He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.

I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.

This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?

He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.

He says I like to play the victim.

I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 13/06/2020 13:28

Lweji, I (sort of) see what you mean, I think! In my first post maybe you thought I was referring to your post, as it was straight after yours. I weren't at all, I was merely going on the others I'd read, earlier up thread. Anyway, unless I've missed something in the opening post she didn't specifically say, she was meant to be in on the video call, but whether she does at some point later I don't know. From your point of view though you say it's usually the done thing. It didn't cross my mind. I have never done one or skyped, so I'm not up on the etiquette. However, I don't see what the problem is with someone NOT wanting to go along with it. In the OP's case the ex fwb made her feel uneasy.

EngagedAgain · 13/06/2020 13:34

Lweji, I get you now (at last!) You meant HE could/should have included her in the first place. Doubt she would have wanted to though, with the ex fwb on there.

chrislilleyswig · 13/06/2020 13:42

Jesus Christ OP. He is a childish dick. You have NOTHING to apologise for

All this drama over a reality TV programme

As for all the posters that think this is a heinous crime, I really, really feel sorry for them

Boulshired · 13/06/2020 13:48

The mentioning the FWB when not really relevant to the story shows she is very uncomfortable, this needs to be out in the open. I had an ex who constantly said he was ok with me having a male best friend but I could guarantee that every time I spent time with him there would be a row but never about him just random shit. People think they are better at hiding their upset than the are. I would of changed my relationship with my friend for him if he had just been open, by the time he was the relationship was over.

Lweji · 13/06/2020 14:43

@EngagedAgain

Not quite.

I meant earlier that he wasn't really with his ex. She's part of a group of friends he is in contact with, but the OP isn't happy with her presence.

But, and I hadn't mentioned it earlier in the thread, as a partner, it would feel odd to me that my partner would always keep his friends away from him. It may not mean much, and it may be the OP who keeps herself away from them, and everyone needs their own space and friendships, but how the OP describes it seems off to me.

EngagedAgain · 13/06/2020 15:24

Lweji, I'm with you. Although re, your last post I thought you meant it was OP's ex fwb, but then I read on to see OP said about the fwb being prettier than her, so maybe it IS the DP's ex with benefits. Unless OP had a girl on girl! Wondering if I'm losing the plot! Haha. Perhaps the OP or another poster can enlighten me/us?

RedskyAtnight · 13/06/2020 15:50

as a partner, it would feel odd to me that my partner would always keep his friends away from him.

Depends on your friends. DH has his friends and does things with them. I have my friends and do things with them. I've got nothing against DH's friends (and he has nothing against mine) but I'm not part of their friendship group in the same way that DH is. He'd be perfectly happy with me joining in, but I don't have the same interests or sense of humour as them and I'd rather not. Not everyone has "couple friends".

allyouneedis · 13/06/2020 16:31

Ok so you were suppose to sit and stare at the wall till he finished with his friends on video call! Don’t think so, he needs to grow up and you need to think about if you can live with his attitude long term. What an childish idiot he is 🙄.

BashStreetKid · 14/06/2020 08:45

Because however awful his reaction was (and it was) its also noticeable that the OP doesnt apologise and indeed feels she shouldnt and why has it come to an argument. She plays a part in this.

Where on earth does that come from? Read OP's posts, @Quartz2208. She did apologise. He was still demanding yet more apologies.

Quartz2208 · 14/06/2020 08:49

@bashstreetkid where in the initial post does she say that?
My point is that this should have been a 2 minute thing but her initial post says she was stunned into silence and flabbergasted that she should apologise.

Not sure it matters the communication between them is toxic

Sizedoesmatter · 14/06/2020 08:56

[quote Quartz2208]@bashstreetkid where in the initial post does she say that?
My point is that this should have been a 2 minute thing but her initial post says she was stunned into silence and flabbergasted that she should apologise.

Not sure it matters the communication between them is toxic[/quote]
She says in a post just after the op that she told him she was 'sorry for hurting his feelings', but just as his apology wasn't good enough for her, hers wasn't good enough for him either.

They clearly both behave like children, it's all tit for tat and yes, very toxic it seems. Not sure on who's part, possibly both.

Quartz2208 · 14/06/2020 09:15

To be honest sorry for hurting your feelings isn't an apology either.

I think yes its tit for tat and toxic on both parts. But really I guess that is moot because its either toxic due to him to her or both and does it matter which view point you have because this isn't a healthy relationship for anyone.

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2020 09:23

I can't believe its the crime of the century to watch a TV programme without your partner. Especially a frothy one you're happy to watch again.
And to be so nasty about it.

Isn't there enough goung on at the moment?

BashStreetKid · 14/06/2020 18:42

[quote Quartz2208]@bashstreetkid where in the initial post does she say that?
My point is that this should have been a 2 minute thing but her initial post says she was stunned into silence and flabbergasted that she should apologise.

Not sure it matters the communication between them is toxic[/quote]
She said she had apologised in her post of 7.55

Quartz2208 · 14/06/2020 19:26

Yeah I am not sure that is a proper apology its quite passive aggressive

BashStreetKid · 15/06/2020 19:01

She said she had apologised - she didn't say precisely what words she used. So you really cannot logically conclude that it was passive aggressive or not a proper apology.

Sizedoesmatter · 15/06/2020 20:36

@BashStreetKid

She said she had apologised - she didn't say precisely what words she used. So you really cannot logically conclude that it was passive aggressive or not a proper apology.
She did say what wording she used, she said 'I'm sorry I hurt your feelings'.
Quartz2208 · 15/06/2020 21:01

exactly @Sizedoesmatter

@BashStreetKid like it or not I'm sorry for is a classic passive aggressive apology squarely putting it back on the other as being at fault for daring to be upset.

This relationship is clearly toxic on both sides

Jkslays · 15/06/2020 21:11

Jesus Christ this thread is disgusting.

Now she’s being called toxic for saying ‘I’m sorry for hurting your feelings’ fuck me all she did was watch a fucking tv show!

Few toxic people on this thread by the looks of it. This is why posters don’t come back because you have arseholes dissecting and twisting everything posters come on to say - when In reality they were just reaching out because they needed to talk.

Fucking horrible

BashStreetKid · 16/06/2020 08:52

She did say what wording she used, she said 'I'm sorry I hurt your feelings'

She didn't say that was the only wording she used.

Jkslays · 16/06/2020 09:05

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice

This is what she said.

  1. I don’t like being told off either. Im a grown woman - if some feels they ‘have to tell me off’ instead of talking about it - they’d get told to fuck right off.

  2. she apologise for hurting his feeling and that she wasn’t trying to invalidate his feelings but how he went about it was not very nice - the only thing wrong about this party is that she apologised. She shouldn’t have. It’s a fucking tv show. No fucker has the right to control what anyone watches.

He came down stairs and was nasty to her and posters are picking over what ‘she said’. It’s fucking weird and pathetic.

Quartz2208 · 16/06/2020 09:39

@Jkslays I think we can agree with read the narrative on it differently. Also we only have her truth on it as to exactly what happened as well and I dont see his initial comment as being nasty or telling her off.

As for 2 well no but if there was an tacit agreement in place that they did it together that isnt control at all!

But as I have said does it matter because either way for the OP mental health it is clear that this relatio

YourHandInMyHand · 16/06/2020 10:03

OP you aren't happy so I'd focus on making plans to leave. It may not be something you can do instantly but look at all your options for moving out and set some plans in motion.

emilybrontescorsett · 16/06/2020 10:18

So the ops do thinks it's fine to be in his bedriom, on a video call to friends including someone he used to fuck, leaving the op alone and not included for around 2 hours. Yet he goes ballistic over a tv show which the op has said she would watch again with him.
He treats her like a child " demanding an apology. "
Well it's a good job having with my dh, as dh has already aesthetically ever film we ever watch. I can't imagine staying with someone this controlling and childish.
If tell him to grow up and examine the relationship deeply op.
How would he react if you were in the bedroom on a video call to an old fuck buddy? I'm guessing he would not be all smiles.

Sizedoesmatter · 16/06/2020 10:39

@BashStreetKid

She did say what wording she used, she said 'I'm sorry I hurt your feelings'

She didn't say that was the only wording she used.

OK but we are going off what she said? And that is the wording she said she used. So people are naturally going to draw their conclusions from that. That's how this works.