WW3 because I watched a TV programme

[Frances2468]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.

My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.

I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.

Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.

Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.

I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.

I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.

About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"

I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.

He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.

He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.

I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.

This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?

He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.

He says I like to play the victim.

I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him

[MaxNormal]

I cannot believe people saying you deserved his abusive behaviour for watching a tv programme.

[ErickBroch]

Ok.. his reaction wasn't great but I'd be really fucked off if my DP did the same. Also, the intense build up to you actually admitting what you did in this story does scream that you want to be the victim. OTT from both of you.

[Proudboomer]

I can’t believe anyone would have an issue with someone watching a tv program even if they have watched it together for 20 years. It is trashy tv program not anything important or anything that should be important.
To me that is controlling and petty.

Op I can’t see what you get from this relationship. He makes you feel insecure, he bullies and treats you like a child and has son ongoing friendship with a former fuck buddy.

I hope you don’t have a family with this man if he can be this unstable over a tv program and if I was in your shoes I would be looking to leave as I wouldn’t want a partner like him.

[ravenmum]

He says I like to play the victim.
That's rich, coming from someone who claims his feelings have been hurt and demanding an apology because you watched TV without him.

[ihatelockdown]

To be honest I think you sound draining and needy! It was prob the final thing that made him lose it!

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

But its not just a TV show. Its something you do together. And you watch it the first time together.
When someone else has watched it, it's different.

For heaven's sake!

It's a TV PROGRAMME - not a wedding night!

[Fleamaker123]

I agree with PP's.. what the hell does it matter what tv programme you've chosen to watch? Talk about missing the point.

Your partner had a tantrum cos you started watching a programme without him... While you were waiting for him to stop chatting with an ex!

Call me old fashioned, but if my husband was spending his evening upstairs face timing somebody he used to sleep with, while I sat downstairs, I would be wondering what the hell was going on in our relationship.

His reaction stinks of guilt too. You didn't deserve that.

[thepeopleversuswork]

SchadenfreudePersonified

This.

Also do you all lead such dull and unambitious lives that you think watching tv together is the pinnacle of couple bonding? I know we’re in lockdown and everything but ffs.

If you’d gone clubbing or to his favourite restaurant he might have had slightly more of a point but this is television!

[Abouttimemum]

It was a video chat with a group of friends, firstly. He’s allowed to talk to his friends. I speak to people I’ve slept with. No big deal.

I wouldn’t watch a tv show that we were watching together. I really wouldn’t. There are billions of things to watch on tv that can make you feel better. It feels as if you did it deliberately because he was talking to his friends.

His reaction is absolutely ridiculous. If anything, it warrants a brief oh thanks for waiting / eye roll and then an either wind it back or let’s watch it together from here. Issue over.

Both of you sound like hard work.

[vanillandhoney]

OP, the fact that your 'partner' is so controlling is shit. First of all, the worst thing about this is that he arranges a video call with friends including an ex that lasts for so long, away from you, and expects you to just sit and wait for him!

Firstly, she's not an ex, they were FWB, and secondly, where on EARTH does it say he expected her to sit and wait for him? Surely she could find something else to do that doesn't involve the one programme they always watch together?

There are millions of things to watch online for free - or do something else if you don't fancy watching TV. I don't understand why you would choose to watch the one programme you always watch with your DP - unless, as PP said, it was a PA dig because of who he was speaking to on video chat.

[buggeroffvirus]

It seems like you would be happier without him. Maybe he is not doing anything wrong but to have a knot in your stomach is a sign that you are not happy with him.
Watching a shared programme without him does sound passive aggressive.
Sometimes it just is not worth it.

[Fleetheart]

This is abusive. I suspect he acts like this a lot and this is why you are on eggshells with him. I think it’s time to end this relationship. It ain’t working for you. End of.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

He doesn't sound like a stand up guy if I'm honest. If my husband had watched a show we both watch without me, I'd have definitely just either carried on and caught up on the bit I missed later or asked him to start it again (not my probs he's already seen that bit....he can go make me a brew while it's on if he's that bothered 😜) no need to shout at you or 'tell you off' the fact he said that in the first place means he sees you as beneath him.

How often does he treat you this way? I would start thinking about getting out of this relationship ASAP, and I'd look into a councillor to help you with your depression and low self esteem

[ExpletiveDelighted]

Even if he is annoyed that you watched an episode without him the appropriate response would be "oh, I was going to watch that with you, never mind, what shall we watch now" not demanding apologies, holding it over you the next day and generally acting like a controlling arse. This is not your fault.

[TwilightPeace]

He sounds like a dick.
The amount of people on here saying his actions were justified because you watched a fucking TV programme is depressing. Makes me glad to be single tbh.
He can watch it at any time! So what if they usually watch it together? OP is a free human being and can watch what she wants.
You shouldn’t have apologised. You should have told him to fuck off and grow up.

[Lweji]

If you had similar reactions in the past, it's not very fair to expect better behaviour from him.

Did you explain that you needed something to cheer you up?
And I think you should tell him how you feel about his ex.

All he saw was you leaving you out of a joint activity.
Not a great reaction, but if you manage to convey your feelings as well, then it should improve your relationship. The next time he might instead realise that you are down if you're watching the programme without him.

Having said that, if you don't feel comfortable sharing your feelings with him, then this is probably a bad relationship for you. And might as well move on.

[thepeopleversuswork]

TwilightinPeace

Hear hear. I am properly shocked at this thread.

[TowelHoarder]

He’s being ridiculous, I’ll quite often watch something then watch it again with my husband, sometimes even straight away after.

[Bleepbloopblarp]

Sounds to me like he maybe was already gearing for a bit of a fight because he knew you were in a mood. He probably thought you did it on purpose because you were pissed he was talking to his friend.

I wouldn’t be happy with my dh being friends with someone he used to shag. In fact I don’t think I could be with anyone who went off doing video calls with an ex. Is that a problem within myself? Maybe, but it would be a no-no for me. I think it’s massively disrespectful.

His flying off the handle and demanding an apology is ridiculous and controlling despite the programme-watching. I would tell him you retract your apology as having thought about it you realise he’s a massive arsehole. Then dump him.

[EthelMayFergus]

Yes he massively overreacted, but I'm struggling to get past the fact that you were downstairs alone and bored because he was on a video call to his ex lover. There is no time or place that I would be okay with that.

[1forsorrow]

He shouldn't have shouted, his reaction is ridiculous. Reading how many people would be upset by this I am really glad that DH and I watch different programmes, we have totally different tastes in films and comedy and watch what we want when we want. I can't imagine not being able to watch something I want to watch because it would upset another adult.

[Frozenfan2019]

I think the reason some of us feel sympathetic to the partner is because of the way the Op posted. Things like. Her comments about not being attractive and then she says she was feeling low so watch 12 years a slave. Then there was nothing else at all to watch apart from a programme she knew they were watching together and she lived without TV for 4 years but had nothing else she could have done with her time.

She has every right to watch what she wants but it comes across as though she did it on purpose for the drama. If the way she presents things is always this dramatic then perhaps her partners reaction isn't as extreme as it is presented.

[Skyliner001]

No idea what an FWB is.

[Tatty101]

Yeah, if you're watching a programme together, then one person watching ahead in tantamount to betrayal here haha.

His reaction does sound a little OTT but I'd be majorly annoyed if my DP watched the next episode without me tbh.

Couldn't you have watched something else?

[Veterinari]

Christ alive! This thread makes me glad to be single if being in a relationship means not even being able to watch a bit of telly when I fancied it without a massive row.

If people would genuinely be upset at their partner watching a tv programme without them, they need to expand their horizons