MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

Try going on holiday with her first, just the four of you, see if she joins in and gets on with things without criticising, and then reconsider

I was going to suggest the same, but it seems MIL doesn't want that - she wants the big Florida family or nothing, and frankly that would change my view

In theory one extra person in a crowd shouldn't matter; the more the merrier and all that, but if she's going to be awkward that could make a difference

If mil was at all reasonable and just looking forward to feeling more included she wouldn’t be insisting on Florida. Why is op getting the flack for her husband not including HIS mother more in their lives? Mixed holidays are a disaster waiting to happen and if this is a once in a 4 year holiday and it doesn’t go well, it’s ops whole family it impacts.

I really don’t understand the flack and names you’re being called op. I agree she needs to be included in another holiday but why on earth does she want to hang out with your family? Please don’t take some of the nastier replies to heart. You don’t sound selfish and you’re not horrible despite what some people are projecting.

We go camping with my side. If my mil demanded an invite to our camping trips I’d feel the same way as you. If mil said hey can we organise a camping trip too, I’d be there with bells on.

@OneForMeToo

That summary doesn't include a lot of the details that show a pattern of marginalisation that MIL has been experiencing for a decade though....

I'm usually agree with anything towards a MiL but in THIS CASE. Unless there is some big back story I think it's kinda unfair.

Yes I understand why you don't want her going along with you on your annual family holiday. I get that. Totally. However, is every holiday national holiday etc spent with your family? How often do you spend Christmas with mil? Easter?

I bet your time outside of your nuclear family is completely spent with your family. I bet this is her issue. She's your child's grandmother like it or not. My mil is a cruel woman and I personally don't create a relationship between her and my dd for plenty reasons..: but in your case it genuinely sounds like, she's sick of feeling left out.

I do not get on well with my MIL and we have a history that sounds much more fraught than what the OP had described. We also regularly go on holiday with my family. If MIL asked to come I'd be shocked but I wouldn't say no, this feels pretty mean. They share a grandchild, they are family - why not the more the merrier?

But you don’t know how often mil does spend with the op/DH and baby. You are presuming just because it’s less than she arranges with her own family that it’s basically nothing.

That’s upto her dh to sort. Not the Dil. Maybe mil doesn’t invite them anywhere, clearly she rejects invites given such as the more intimate family holiday proposed by the op.

The mothers of sons really are hated aren’t they?

How does your DH feel about his mother not being part of your family @DisneyBaby?

Also..
My family had a large group holiday shortly after my grandmother died. My dad paid for a large villa and it was a special holiday for all of us to connect as we hadn't done this sort of thing in 15+ years. Also to celebrate my grandmother's life.
Well my aunt (by marriage to uncle) brought her mother along. She had asked and aunt felt she couldn't say no and we didn't want to be unkind. Absolutely terrible decision! She caused an unpleasant situation on the the second evening and caused one branch of the family to split of from the rest of us for the whole rest of the week. She was v fussy about food and everything became uncomfortable and an issue. Horrible remarks were made to a teenage girl. She also assumed the best room in the villa as arrived first. She made the atmosphere sour.
My dad had spent a lot on this holiday for all of us and we really struggled to enjoy ourselves.
Aunt's mother did apologise to us a while later and said herself she should never have gone. Apology accepted but still we will never invite to xmas or anything again.

It's not the OP's holiday to invite someone to. If her MiL is invited, what about the inlaws of all the rest of her extended family

This holiday is once every 4 years. Offering to take MiL away every 4 years as well, so you alternate, Florida, just your immediate family, somewhere with MiL, just your immediate family, Florida, would be fair.
You'd have as many holidays with Mil as you do with your family

I think that's a decent offer to MiL, you could chat to her about where she'd like to go. But an invite to the family Florida trip would have to come from your parents, and if they invite your MiL what about everyone else's Mils and Fils etc

She obviously feels left out as you have stated yourself you spend more time with your family than her and no grandchild involved probs stands out more and age wants to spend time with you
Don't think you need to invite her to Florida though and the fact you have offered to go on holiday too is great
But it does sound like you put your family over her which is fine for you but not for dh unless he also feels that way, have you asked him honestly if he's happy with the situation how it all works out

Op your post is mean spirited. It smacks of you not being bothered to make an effort with your Mil because you’ve already got your family.

From your post I can only deduce that you’re petty, immature and completely lacking in empathy.

If your family are as welcoming to new additions to their family as you make out then I'm confused why they won't welcome your MIL, she is part of the family now too. I can see why your MIL is upset that she can't be included. I'd give it a try, be open minded and stick to your usual spirit of being a welcoming and fun loving family. If your MIL completely dampens the experience then bring that up with her and you'll have good reason not to invite her again.

If mil was at all reasonable and just looking forward to feeling more included she wouldn’t be insisting on Florida

That's what confuses me too; if she really is feeling excluded, why not embrace the separate holiday OP's already suggested rather than insist on this one?

Put yourself in her shoes and reconsider. What if you didn't have a close family and your child married into one and you were sidelined, you would be sad and hurt.

It may be that you reach the same conclusion but give her a chance and be kind.

I think you sound absolutely awful. And spoilt.

You want a close family who all do things together but your MIL isn’t allowed in to the holy inner sanctum.

If you were a man you would be accused of controlling your spouse. Isolating them from their own family.

I hope your baby is a boy and he pushes you out when he gets married.

I completely agree, moresugarpis.

A horrible post from a horrible sounding poster.

@Thisbastardcomputer

Put yourself in her shoes and reconsider. What if you didn't have a close family and your child married into one and you were sidelined, you would be sad and hurt.

It may be that you reach the same conclusion but give her a chance and be kind.

Or even YOUR mum was alone, no partner, no other children. DH has a large family that you spend lots of time with. Your mum felt excluded and asked to be allowed to holiday with you all. DH was revolted by the idea... Would you feel the same?

I feel so sorry for your MIL.

@LellyMcKelly

God no. She has absolutely no right to request that. It would be bizarre to have my MIL tagging along on my parent’s holiday - my mum and dad would find that really weird and uncomfortable. If she wants to go on holiday with you, you can decide on another one together.

I totally agree!

@ProfMcGonigle

Those who are calling you unreasonable or mean spirited are probably coming from a good place; one which does not have the experience of a very unpleasant MIL so it's difficult to relate

I hated my ex-MIL with a passion. She was and still is an interfering, bigoted old b who sat on her backside claiming from the state while being vocal about 'incomers' (like me) taking all the jobs.

HOWEVER, I still made the effort to spend time with her and include her in things for the sake of the Man I loved at the time, and had we had DC then even more so as they would have been her GC too. She came on my hen-do, we spent Christmases with her and so on.

To me it sounds like the OP (and her family, if she has indeed asked them) are being mighty precious about one additional person on their large group holiday, and I don't see the OP considering any real solutions.

I think your being mean. What does your husband think?

Can't get my head round the fact MiL sort of automatically 'deserves' an invitation now she is tenuously, by marriage, 'family'.

A much better reason would be that she was a very nice person to be around. She doesn't seem to be.

Unless there is a major dripfeed coming about her then yes yabu. She is your husbands mum. Can you imagine one of your children getting married and treating you this way? We have taking both my parents and my in laws on holiday and after lock down we are hoping to all go together now that my father in law has passed away. My family includes my mil. She is my children's grandma, she is my husbands mum, she's an integral part of the family and my own side would welcome her with open arms and she them.

What is it you're actually worried about about her coming on holiday with you? I think you need to examine why you are so hostile to the ideal?

You really do see you family as superior. . She n mh Ade sacrifices you will hopefully never understand

I wouldn't want to go on a family holiday with my brother's in laws. I've nothing against them but it would change the dynamic. I think you (as a couple) may be a little U for clearly seeing so much more of your family, although that's on your DH to sort out, but she can't just expect to come on a big family holiday. You have offered her another holiday together and it sounds like she is being a bit petulant. Is it the destination or the feeling of missing out on the big family holiday?