MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

Nasty, dreadful, awful, you make me dread becoming a mil. Mean spirited..... I wonder why op hasn’t come back .

Christ she doesn’t want to mix families on a very expensive holiday and she doesn’t like her mil but is still willing to spend money, time and annual leave on a holiday so that her mil is included. What a cow, let’s burn her at the stake and hopefully her dh will divorce her.

Totally agree. Her son is remiss. But a little awareness from OP wouldn’t go astray...not because she’s obligated to her mil but because it’s decent in general.

Why do you spend more time with your family than your husbands? Has she done something terrible you're not telling us. I feel very sorry for her. It wouldn't hurt to include her if there are so many of you.

I feel sorry for her, it DOES seem mean not to invite her. What if she took a friend along so she'd have someone to go off with separately if and when she wanted, if that's something everyone else has.

Could you think hard about what is the absolute worst that could happen (I mean this genuinely) if you did invite her, and then work backwards from that, ways to manage expectations and any situations that could arise - and then if it looks okay, invite her?

Poor MIL always cast as the evil witch.

The poor woman is alone and sees this huge family with all the sons and daughters in law being absorbed into it and it sounds like she would love to be absorbed into it to.

She has clearly been marginalised in favour of your family OP and that must hurt like hell.

Having been to Disney Florida years ago with my own children I can imagine nothing worse than doing that every four years, but each to their own.

She probably hasn't been and just wants to be included and would like to spend as much time with her son and his child as your parents spend with their daughter and your child.

It's a shame you feel so nasty towards her.

One day you might be a MIL. Hopefully for your sake you won't be marginalised in the same way your MIL has been.

I understand op.
Mil coming will totally change the dynamics of the holiday, plus it sets a precedent for her to come every time.
I have a similar situation with a mil who lives alone and is lonely. The trouble is she is a very difficult person, she is very rigid and set in her ways and it is her way or the highway.
My family always invite her for Christmas and special occasions but it is hard work, she does not help and makes a point of asking for the one thing that isn't on the table just as my Mum sits down after doing all the cooking. It has become a standing joke and we try and pre guess putting everything imaginable out but she will ask every time for something odd like rose marie sauce on a roast dinner or black pickle for her fish and chips. She also drinks to much and has a go at my Mum, who she is jealous of. My mum still invites her as no-one should be alone at Christmas but a holiday is different.

I wouldn't want to go on a family holiday with my brother's in laws. I've nothing against them but it would change the dynamic.

This this and this. 😬

why does MIL just want to go away with your family and not on a holiday to Florida with HER family ie her DS, DiL and DC?

SHE sounds difficult.

It's seems clear you don't like your MIL, how does your husband feel about that?

My Late DH and I holidayed with each of our families separately. My MIL was single and we enjoyed spending time with her but she was a difficult woman and wouldn't have enjoyed a holiday with my family.

I really don't see the problem with taking her. If it doesn't work out - don't take her again.

I agree with what everyone else says - you are being mean spirited. But also be aware that your own children will be watching you and learning this behaviour from you. Goodness me I hope you don't have boys.

But the point in this case is that the son and the grandchild clearly have been absorbed into the OP's family. The only one left out is MIL. Can you really not see how that would feel?

Why should OP's family have to absorb their MIL, she is not related, they are not friends, she is not OP's family's responsibility. She has been offered a perfectly reasonable alternative but she's stamping her feet and insisting on Florida. My parents and DP's parents have probably met 4 or 5 times in the 12 years we have been together, it would be weird to start holidaying together, even if one of them was alone

But they did invite her on holiday just not the trip to Florida with her family who are the ones organising it. It is not the ops place to invite as she is not the organiser.

She turned down their offer of a holiday with their family. I don't know why you are getting such a hard time on here.

Could you turn it round and say one of your siblings has a pushy in law that no-one likes and your family don't want to include anyone else as they'd have to invite nightmare in-law too. She doesn't need to know she IS the pushy in-law.

FWIW we once went to Fla with rellies of DH and while we didn't fall out as such, there were definitely "tensions". I wouldn't do it again.

What kind of holiday have you offered to your MIL @DisneyBaby

Why not have a time where you don't go with your family and go with her instead?
Florida every four years sounds boring to be fair. Once you've done to all you've done it, but maybe that's just me.

Awkward.... never took my mam away. You set it in stone then every year. Likes her own way too. So a big no. My siblings dont take her either. My aunt is very easy so I think it depends on the person too.

If you and your dh go on the holiday with your family, it's only fair you and your dh go on the holiday with his family too. If this was a regular thing, I assume she would have been happy.
I don't particularly like my in laws, but I make efforts. Because my dh does for my family too.

What I think it's weird she's inviting herself along. I definitely think it's not your place to invite her, it would be up to the whole family and if they don't know her that well I really don't think she should go.
Also if you start where does it stop?
I would offer to go to Florida with her and your DH and I wouldn't tell her everything you do with your family as it's just making her feel lonely and less liked. Make an effort to start a tradition with DH family even if it is just her and have things that are just for the 4 of yous

Firstly, I think it's lovely that you and your family are so close. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Secondly - you are getting a really hard time that I don't think you deserve at all.

And finally, I can completely understand not wanting to bring someone in to the kid who hasn't spent time with the group on a regular basis. Talk about making things awkward for everyone, everyone would be tiptoeing around Unsure how to behave because of it.
I don't feel sorry for MIL, she's been offered a holiday, just because she's single doesn't mean she becomes your responsibility.
My MIL was a single mum (a large number of unsuccessful marriages)
She is very good at making digs, wanted to give my 3 month old chocolate to suck on 🙄, frequently passes unhelpful comments but won't admit it.
She has a very turbulent relationship with DH, she blames him for things he can't possibly be responsible for, holds grudges (as does he!)
Even in lockdown has made digs and when he called her out on it, she acts the victim.
A lot of our arguments stem from his relationship with his mum, he likes to compare me to her when he wants to hurt me. I live in the shadow of her past behaviours.
He would rather never see her again but makes an effort for the grandkids, one of his big issues is she wants everything but isn't prepared to make the effort herself. We always have to do it.
For these reasons I would never consider going on a holiday with her. It would be hell on Earth.
Especially because our family is so different- we actually like to see each other.
OP married the man, not the MIL.
It's not her responsibility to invite her to everything she does with her family.

"The poor woman is alone and sees this huge family with all the sons and daughters in law being absorbed into it and it sounds like she would love to be absorbed into it to."

The thing is, an older person, like a mil, can't (usually) be absorbed into a family in the same way as a child's partner can be - as they assume the role of surrogate child.

The mil sounds like she's quite opinionated, so she'd expect to be deferred to and have an equal role of deciding on plans etc, which wouldn't work on a bigger family holiday.

When I first had kids we tried getting both sides of the family together, but it was just really awkward as the 2 sides are v different. It was OK for a short meal (though only happened twice), but for a holiday it would have been horrendous!

Fancy being the type of person who thinks they should be invited on their DiLs parent's holiday?

God alive. And In preference to a holiday with their actual close family?

Oh and you'll also feel you have to appease everyone. I got married abroad and families came, I'm pretty laid back but I was a bit stressful as both are so different. They actually only mingled on the wedding day

I think people are forgetting that even on big group trips, people often split into smaller groups. It sounds like the Op and her family are really close, so they can split off in many ways and it wouldn’t be awkward.

The girls might have a day together, whilst the boys go off and do something else.

Op, her siblings and their partners might spend the day at the theme park, whilst her parents relax at the villa.

But adding the MIL into that mix will change the dynamics and make things awkward.

If the op, her husband and baby want some time alone, what happens to the mil? Is she going to tag along with OP’s parents and siblings, who don’t really know this woman.

Or will MIL be forced to spend some time alone, to which she complains she’s being excluded.

Or will the MIL third wheel the op and her husband the entire time?

If a ride seats two people, will the OP’s husband have to keep sitting next to his mother, because I’m sure the OP’s brother’s partner wouldn’t want to.

Also people keep missing the point, op offered the MIL a trip. But she’s digging in her heels and only wants to go away to Florida with the OP’s family.

You are giving her holiday options just not Florida. Stand your ground and keep your side separate.
How you feel about mil is separate to all of this.

To be honest Op, you really don’t sound very nice.

You sound very mean-spirited. Can't share your big jolly family holiday with another member of your family even though you know she's alone and really wants to come along? Were you one of the bullying mean girls at school?