MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

I would love to hear MILs take on all of this. Bet it’s nothing like what’s in the OP.

But OPs family pay for the family holiday. OP is there as their guest.

Can MIL even afford to pay?

Totally get it. Make an effort to go away with her on another holiday- you, DH and child so she can spend quality time with you, her son and her grandchild. If she doesn’t want that then tough- you have made the effort to spend time with her

Sorry why on earth should OP's family have to include an extra person who they don't much get on with or even see regularly. A Florida holiday is expensive and something I presume you've all worked hard to afford! Don't diminish your family's enjoyment because someone else is guilt tripping you. It's your family's collective decision not just yours and there is no reason they should say yes.

It isn't your fault she's single and doesn't have other family or friends to go with. It's kind of you to offer to arrange another holiday with her. Nice of you to offer. YANBU she is, for trying to invite her self. It's put you all in an awkward position.

A far kinder thing to do for her is to introduce her to social groups aligned with her own age, interests and beliefs

Or you could just try being nice to her and including her in the family events which involve her own son? Encouraging her to take up hobbies is just going to be received as the blatant attempt it is push her further away from the family circle. She has a son and a grandchild, she just wants to be part of the family that they are a part of. Instead of the sad sack whose pushed to the side, which is the role she seems to have been given, and given very early in her sons' life (18). (and I am not talking about the holiday but how she appears to have been treated for the past 10 years).

I feel for you OP and think many of the responses here are very harsh on you.

Those who are calling you unreasonable or mean spirited are probably coming from a good place; one which does not have the experience of a very unpleasant MIL so it's difficult to relate.

It absolutely does seem sad that she's single and on her own, she's probably lonely, but (and I don't mean to project here, I just suspect, from what you've said) she sowed the seeds of the relationship you now have and her past behaviour, whatever that may be, has led a family-oriented person, such as yourself, to respond as appropriate.

We can't be consistently unpleasant and expect the same treatment as those who have been consistently supportive.

And why shouldn't you confide in your family about her behaviour towards you? Why shouldn't you go on holiday with your family? I don't understand the posters calling you out on that.

How surprising
Op has vanished

I don't think the OP's family should feel obliged to invite her on holidays but I think the obvious compromise here is for the OP and her husband to go on holidays with her MIL to Florida if that is where the MIL wants to visit. If that means that they can't then take this particular holiday with OPs family then that's unfortunate, but she has already holidayed there with her family multiple times and can do so again in future.

I feel quite sorry for her. I wonder if it would really be that bad if she came. I know sometimes it is wierd to change family traditions, I've got a family situation a bit like yours and Christmas became a bit of a sticking point. But in the end we did something different which involved everyone and it was nice.

I understand why it may not be ideal for you to have her in Florida. However life is about compromising for those we love.
This woman raised your husband alone. Likely sacrificed time and time again to give him a good life. By the sounds of your post, you have a good husband and she will be largely responsible for that.

I agree with previous posters, she is probably feeling left out by how involved her boy is with your extended family. If she is on her own she is also probably very lonely, exacerbated by lock down. The 2 weeks in Florida could be the lifeline she needs for something to look forward to. Give the poor woman a break. If the holiday doesn't work out then you'll know not to bring her again.

Final thought.... you will probably be a mother in law one day, think about how you would like to be treated. Pay it forward. Be kind and generous in spirit, you might actually end up happier as a result.

why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

Because she is their son-in-laws mother and so a part of the family?

Can she afford a trip to Florida? Maybe compromise and take her two years before or after your other family trip.

Blimey you really can't stand her can you? While, with regards to the holiday, it's not your invitation to give so no she should not expect an invitation, maybe she realises you really don't like her very much.

Which is fine, but it sounds like you, and your DH (unless he just does what you tell him) want to kind of erase her from your family. Is there a reason that you don't spend much time with her? She may feel lonely and a bit jealous. You're not coming across as if you particularly care about her being on her own or make an effort with her in your OP.

You are coming across as a little spiteful.
You seem to think your family is your DH, your DC and your blood relatives and their partners. It doesn’t occur to you that you MIL is family too and it might be night for your Dh and DC to have her there.
I may be way off base here but you seem to enjoy the power of excluding her. It’s a bit childish.

It's sad for your MIL that she feels like you both don't spend enough time with her compared to how much time you spend with your own family. It is often the case there is a side you see more of but her feelings about it are valid and there's no need to start/engage in rows with her about it. Explain that your family have invited you along so it's not your place to extend that invitation but that you'll spend more time with her or go on holiday with her as well. She's probably lonely if she's single and your DH is her only child.

"Gosh, I can’t believe the horrible things people are saying to you! Blimey.

What gives this woman the right to invite herself along? It is not your fault that she is single and alone, nor is it your responsibility to sort that out for her.

Please don’t ruin your parents’ holiday by dragging her along. I think you’ve been a saint for even suggesting an alternative"

I think the fact that this DIL seems to be happy that her MIL isn't included. The son is her family and she's feeling left out. It is the sons responsibility to look after his DM, op doesn't make blanket decisions for them both!

How is op a Saint for suggesting and alternative holiday? She goes on a holiday with her family, surely it's only right DH goes on one with his too?

Abhor the way people treat mils on here.

Your poor MiL. Try having a bit of empathy for her.

Gawd. Would it really kill you just to add in her on this trip?

Your comment about your MIL wanting to go on holiday with a family that isn't hers speaks volumes

I actually think you and your husband sound like selfish jerks.

She's YOUR family too FFS !

You've done a great job of pushing her out and I'm not at all surprised she's upset and starts arguments, after all, exactly what has she to lose really ? She's already lost her son when he was swallowed up into YOUR family, and now she's losing a grandchild too .

It doesn't matter at all whether she is as much 'fun' as your parents, what matters is that you include her and for F's sake, STOP telling people she's not YOUR family !!

Saw this post on the first page and I completely disagree with it. It's not two families joining

But the point in this case is that the son and the grandchild clearly have been absorbed into the OP's family. The only one left out is MIL. Can you really not see how that would feel? It's not like in most marriages where there are two separate groups of families. MIL doesn't have a family group. Or she does, but is being marginalised in her son's and grandchilds' life whilst they are fully assimilated into a new family. Seriously, can you not see how painful that must be?

Maybe you’re a bit worried about her coming because you’ve given her a proper bad mouthing to your own family in the past and don’t want to risk having any of it parroted back in front of her????

Why is all the blame on the daughter in law? The mother has a son. There’s nothing stopping him arranging days out or trips.

We went on holiday with both sets of parents when our youngest was a baby. It was horrendous - you are trying to please everyone and share out the attention for the baby etc. Don't do it. You have arranged a solution.

Could you imagine this thread another way.

We always go away as a set group only adding in husbands/wife’s/new babies as we have got older over the years.

My sisters husbands mum is insisting she comes along on our once every 4 years get together holiday that we have had since we where babies. I mean she’s ok as a person Although we have only met her a few times but we don’t invite parents of any of the others who married in.

My sister is quite happy to go on a separate holiday with her mil but apparently that’s not good enough she wants our holiday even though we barely know her and it’s my parents that arrange and pay for this trip.

People wouldn’t be saying the mil should be tagging along. People have taken the huff with the way in which this op was written that’s all.

This isn’t about obligations it’s about exclusion, which is extremely hurtful.

God I wouldn't invite my MIL in a million years! And as a holiday happening once every four years it's not "your" holiday to invite her along! It's certainly not a given. Tbh you reap what you sow and if she was lovely you probably wouldn't have a problem with it.

BUT and ITS A BIG BUT she IS the mother of your OH and she needs to be included in your life. I think you and your OH need to take the time and effort to make some traditions holiday wise with her. She has shown she would like this.

Sorry she can't come on your families holiday but make a lovely holiday that she can come on.