MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

I feel sorry for the MIL too.

She’s been a single Mum, raised her son on her own, and now he’s grown up, he’s happy to spend family holidays with another big, happy family and leave her out. Holidays that include her grandchild but not her.

I think your DH is being a bit unfair to his Mum in not making sure she’s included. And that your attitude towards her is a bit mean.

I think you sound quite mean . I find my mother in law annoying but I would include her in something like this. It’s not like you have to do it every year? It’s a kind thing to do .

OP have you ever thought of being kind or thoughtful or generous in spirit towards your MIL? Maybe even all three!

I feel sorry for her and can understand why she feels excluded and unwanted.

Not sure why you are getting grief here OP! You have offered her the opportunity to go on holiday with you but she wants to invite herself along on a holiday with your family. Tough.

Have you made it very clear to her that she is not invited or have you been vague and avoided the subject? Be very honest with yourselves here! Be clear that she can’t come on that holiday but you are going to a holiday cottage in x on X date and would she like you to book a cottage big enough for her to come?

Also, in assuming your dh is her only child...she’s watched him be swallowed into a family set up she can’t hope to compete with. She may well feel like he’s been spirited away

As someone who doesn’t have family either, I can well imagine how inadequate and dejected I might feel in the same circumstances

This. Well said!
I note that they got together when the husband was only 18, and that, by OP's own statement, they spend a lot more time with her family that with her MIL.
Have a heart, OP. Try looking at things from MIL's perspective. She just wants to feel a part of things, a part of the family. Try to think about if her life had been yours and how you would feel now.

No idea about the holiday.

But the fact your relatives know all about the rows you have had speaks volumes.

You sound an unpleasant woman.If I was your MIL I wouldn’t want to go away with you.

So you spend a lot of time with your family, go on a big holiday with them every few years, don't do this with MIL and she is upset about it? I'm not surprised.

You sound tied to the apron strings and bit immature if I'm honest. If you went on holiday with MIL every few years and spent a lot of time with her, what would your family say?

We’ve always done group holidays with my parents and siblings. In a similar circumstance my brothers MIL was a single parent with a teenaged son. They have since joined with our family group holidays. It’s been fine. I feel sorry for her being left out. Unless she has some really bad personality traits I can’t see the harm in including her.

Why is it always the responsibility of the DiL to make sure her husband's family is included? It shouldn't be. He (the husband) is the one who has a relationship with his family and it is his responsibility to maintain it.

We go away every other year with my parents. They pay for all of us. Usually short haul, package type holiday but always a fortnight. Not once has my single MiL tried to insist upon an invite; not even the year we went to the Caribbean when it was a big celebration year for my parents. We occasionally have a week away with MiL, but that's down to her and her son to organise. I deal with my family, he deals with his. Same as seeing them and making sure they have birthday cards etc. I married an adult not another child who expects me to facilitate his relationships.

OP has offered her MiL a holiday. But apparently that's not good enough. The Florida holiday is once every four years, if MiL really wants to go so badly why not suggest they go in a couple of years and start planning? If she's unhappy with how little she sees of them then she needs to have a conversation with her son.

Poor woman, would it really be a big issue when there are already ILs going, like your husband?

But mil is your family now as well op.

You sound awful tbh.

It is once every 4 years. Say you can't invite her because you are guests yourselves and it would be inappropriate. Give her something else to look forward to though. A holiday together another time, even if just a long weekend, might work.

I don't think I wouldn't want to go on holiday with my MIL either but you seem to do an awful lot of things with your family and nothing with her. Not very fair is it? Can you really not understand why she might be feeling a bit hurt?

I think some of these replies have been harsh, your family organise a big holiday every 4 years to spend time together, having mil there would add a different dimension to it, you’ve compromised on a holiday with your little family and her, she should be grateful.

My mum or mil would never expect to go on holiday with us

I would never think to invite mil on holiday. We’ve been away with my mum for long weekends before however it’s only my mum and i(my brother is useless) my mil has 3 other children that can take her on holiday and do take her away.

Are people not getting it. If the MIL comes why not all the other extended inlaws?

If the OP hadn't offered another family holiday with MIL then I would say she was being a bit mean but as it stands she isn't. Also I think it's normal to tell your own family things which annoy you about in-laws/other people!!!

I agree with everyone saying they feel very sorry for MIL here.

Not sure of the answer to that, because it could easily be that she's absolutely awful OR that she can't do anything right in your eyes...

BUT - this holiday - it's not your holiday to invite her on surely?! Your extended family have this tradition, it now encompasses your own nuclear family but if I were your mum/sister etc I would not be ok with suddenly 'my sister's husband's mother' level of folk tagging along - that would ONLY be ok if you made sure to ask everyone individually and make sure they wanted to 'open it up' to linked people outside of your side of the family. Yes MIL is family; she isn't this side of hte family - if I were a cousin/parent here I wouldn't want someone I didn't know changing the dynamic on my extended family once-every-4-years get together holiday.

Go on holdiay with MIL and make a new tradition, to keep it fair.

You sound dreadful. So your family have embraced your DH into there family and you spend lots of time together and go on holiday. You state your MIL was a single mum...whats your point? Your OH had a different dynamic growing up and you sound like you have made no attempts with his mum as it doesnt suit you. Yes it sounds boring just being around his mum, but its his mum. Sounds like you would prefer it if she didnt exist. You and your family appear to do everything together to the point you openly tell them about your fall outs with your MIL so they dont like her. I am not surprised she is feeling jealous and put out....your DH is treating his mum badly as are you

It is her family, though. When you got married you joined your two families together.

I disagree with that entirely. When you marry, you marry your partner. If you gain good relationships with your spouse's family into the bargain, that's a bonus. It isn't and shouldn't be an expectation or a given.

OP, as a PP points your you're holidaying at your family's invitation which you're not at liberty to extend to others, and your family appear less than keen on your MiL. Added to the fact that once every four years isn't exactly what might be described as a regular holiday, I sympathise with you family's position.

As for your MiL, in her place there is nothing I'd loathe more than feeling I was tagging along through someone's sense of 'duty', and being a burden I knew they didn't really want. My pride would forbid it. Her stance isn't one I can understand but I also have sympathy with her obvious loneliness, and sense that everyone else seems more important to her son's family than she does. This likely makes her bitter and critical, hence your relationship with her suffers, and the cycle continues ad nauseum.

You must feel caught between her obvious unhappiness and your own family, who harsh though it sounds are not under any obligation to provide a placement family or an emotional crutch for MiL. A far kinder thing to do for her is to introduce her to social groups aligned with her own age, interests and beliefs. If she has her own interests which detract some of her negative energy away from you and into more positive pursuits, this might in the end have the affect of enhancing her own wellbeing as well as strengthening her own family relationships. You've done your best to offer a compromise by holidaying with her, and I don't think you can say fairer. She's a grown adult. You are not ultimately responsible for her emotional wellbeing, and any demand that you should be is unreasonable. But do also try to treat her with a bit of understanding and tact. You may find her a p.i.t.a., but she doesn't sound at all a happy person.

Threads like this make me dread ever being a mother in law. From the information given, this isn't someone who is an abusive parent who needs to be held at a distance, it is someone whose 'crime' is to want to spend time with her family.

I think mixing your extended family who all know each other with his Mum is awkward and a bit unfair to your parents and siblings if they wouldn’t be comfortable. Could you plan a trip to Disneyland Paris with her for one if the non Florida years perhaps?

@OneForMeToo

Well shoot I best email my mil to be outraged that they didn’t invite my mother on any of the family holidays they have arranged.

Common people this isn’t ops trip it’s a holiday that her parents arrange and invite their children, children’s partners and grandchildren. It’s not a an entire extended family trip and it’s nots ops choice anyway.

Ops offered a holiday with the mil, dh and baby she’s not entitled to holiday with ops siblings and parents for Christ sake.

My parents met my In-laws a hand full of times briefly but mainly at our wedding they are not family to each other. If we divorced they wouldn’t be friends.

Totally this

I wonder whether @DisneyBaby's MIL is seeing the Florida trip as the symbol of the way her family has changed - she raised her son as a single mum, and that must create some very strong bonds - but since he married, he and his child, her grandchild, have been absorbed into what sounds like a very big, social, welcoming family.

Perhaps, from her point of view, she sees her son going away from her, spending lots of time having fun with his wife's family, whilst she is left all on her own. It is as if her only friend has made a new group of friends, and she can see them having a wonderful time together, but she isn't welcome in that group, and her friend has utterly turned her back on her. I can well imagine how hurtful that must be, for her.

I suspect that, as I said, the Florida holiday has come to symbolise all of this hurt and feeling of loneliness and rejection - and that explains why the offer of a separate holiday with the OP, her dh and their child has been rejected - it feels like the crumbs from the table being offered to the beggar at the door, rather than inviting the beggar in and including them at the table, for the meal.

I feel sorry for the MIL.

Just read the OP again to see if I'd missed anything.

I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers

But your DH and DC ARE her family, and by extension so are you.

As someone who was until recently single and quite lonely, I was invited a couple of years ago onto a close friend's family holiday, none of whom I'm related to, because they are kind and thoughtful and they had a spare room in the villa (which they wouldn't even let me pay for). They absolutely made my year; I would never expect it to be a regular occurrence but I took such joy from being able to experience waterparks and stuff with the kids, not knowing if I'll have ever have that family experience myself.

I hope never to be involved in a family as unwelcoming as yours, to someone who as far as I can read has only committed the crimes of offering baby advice and being a bit jealous of your family dynamic.

It is her family, though. When you got married you joined your two families together.

Saw this post on the first page and I completely disagree with it. It's not two families joining, it's the person marrying into the family who is joining, not their parents and siblings. For the most part the two families meet at the wedding, although in our case my mil didn't even come to that (long story). Maybe they meet at christenings, possibly the odd party, but they aren't the same family. The two families in our case haven't seen each other since then, which is over 35 years.