MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

I also find it really weird that this is an issue- why have your family never extended an invite before?

OP's parents have invited the MiL to family Xmases amongst others, despite being under zero obligation to so do. Does the MiL invite the OP's family to social/family engagements?

This is bonkers, its the OP and her DH who are married not the two sets of parents. The parents need to navigate their own relationships.

@sleepingpup Don’t shout at me.

Normal people work on an inclusions basis not exclusionary .

How bloody sensitive is this other family that one person would be so terrible.
The OP sounds highly strung and her partner an idiot.
I’m sure there will be many many more road bumps along the way.

Normal people work on an inclusions basis not exclusionary

So next time I organise a family week away I must invite DCs' partners' parents, step parents, possibly all their siblings as well? Maybe all their kids too? I'll just book out a castle. And in return obviously they must all invite us?

Bonkers.

@sauvignonblancplz

Normal people do not put pressure on to get an invite with their son's in laws close family holiday. No they don't.

oh give over with the shouting thing😂 Emphasising I call it.

Have you or your family ever tried being nice to her? Invited her on things? If she's always excluded and she hears about all these wonderful events, no wonder she has a negative attitude

Yes they have. They've stopped doing so as often because of her negative attitude. They've also invited her on a separate holiday which she has rejected.

Wow you must hate her ..I'm disgusted at your dh she bought him up as a single mum and he treats her like this unless he was a loving son till you came along and put your poison in .of course she's upset and jealous you spend all your time with a big family and exclude her how often do you let her see grandchild compared to the amount of time you brag to her about spending with your family .

She was a single mum for four years. You have no idea how much I put her ex-husband still had. But of course it's OP's fault her husband, an adult, has made a choice to limit time with his mother. Funnily enough his brother has chosen to do the same; I suspect that's his gf's fault?

How exactly does OP exclude her? By inviting her on days out and offering a holiday with just her son, DiL and grandchild?

So you’ve welcomed other in-laws in the form of siblings spouses but not the woman who raised your husband?

This isn't the same thing at all. OP's parents have welcomed the partners of their adult children, why on earth does that mean they have to invite the parents of those partners?

I also find it really weird that this is an issue- why have your family never extended an invite before?

Why should they? Because their daughter married her son? Why does that mean they have to invite her on their family holiday which they take every four years? Why, just cos someone gets married, does it mean they have to give up everything with their own family?

I've known families like yours OP. The people in the 'inner circle' seem to think it's a wonderful, warm, welcoming inclusive environment. Anyone who in not in the fahhhhmly unit is usually treated like an awkward outsider who is a burden to the group. It all does feel a bit mean girls with this big family ganging up on MiL based on some biased opinions from their own daughter whilst DH stands there like a wet lettuce.

Bet its hurtful for MiL to see the son shes raised bugger off to this shiny new exciting family whilst shes left on the sidelines apart from obligatory visits. Your DH sounds so selfish

@DilemmaADay it's one holiday every 4 years.

Are you on glue?

@DilemmaADay

This. Yep- the ones who invite you along, it’s lovely until they start tearing some other person to shreds In their absence ... and you realise Nah this isn’t for me.

Extend the invite - the more the merrier. I mean if it’s all just a bunch of mates what’s the big deal.

Quite a lot of miserable people on this thread- are you honestly saying if you knew that someone in your family was lonely you would just leave them.

I do agree that your partner is mostly to blame here though .

Anyone who in not in the fahhhhmly unit is usually treated like an awkward outsider who is a burden to the group. I

She doesn't really get on with her sons. She sees the OPs "fahhhmly" at the odd Christmas.

If we are getting to go on holiday with people we demand to, can I go on holiday with Tom Hardy ?

I don't mind if it's not Florida.

But send too soon.

If my partner didn’t value family and just latched on to others without ensuring he was promoting the same kindness to his own family I’d be thinking he wasn’t for me.

It’s difficult because it does sound as though you are leaving MIL out. Is it your opinion or does your husband not what his mother to come along to Florida???

If it is your husbands opinion you too. Then I would say stick to your grounds and perhaps plan a different day out with your MIL. If they had been arguments you wouldn’t want to complicate things. MIL is an adult so she will will have to respect your choices.

^*Normal people work on an inclusions basis not exclusionary .

How bloody sensitive is this other family that one person would be so terrible.
The OP sounds highly strung and her partner an idiot.
I’m sure there will be many many more road bumps along the way.*^

I honestly don't know anyone who invites their in-laws to their family's events or vice versa. Maybe an evening do of a wedding or if there's a big birthday party, the PiLs might get an invitation but definitely not holidays.

Where does it end? OP invites her MiL, what about FiL and BiL? What about her 3 siblings in-laws?

Quite a lot of miserable people on this thread- are you honestly saying if you knew that someone in your family was lonely you would just leave them.

Luckily the OP and DS invited her on a holiday too! Where they could get to spend more time together.

You missed that bit?

She rejected that. just wants to go on the once every 4 years holiday organised by OPs PARENTS.

@Mischance

What an uncomfortable situation.

Firstly, as a MIL myself, widowed and living alone, I have to say that I would never ask to go on a holiday with any of the family. I respect their privacy and the importance of their own family holidays.

But I have been asked by them to join them on some holidays, and my response was that I would love to, but that it was not setting a precedent and I would not be the least offended by them not asking me, as suits them. This has worked well - I enjoy the holidays I go on with them occasionally; and I take great delight in all the pics of holidays that happen without me there and love to see them enjoying themselves.

It sounds as though this lady is lonely and feels sidelined, but I am surprised that she is not happy with your kind offer of going away just with your family. She does sound an unhappy lady and I really am not sure what you can do about that.

When our children form their own families we have to accept that we are no longer the lynch pin of their lives as we were when they were young. It is challenging, and sometimes a hard road to begin with. But most of us get there and learn to enjoy their enjoyments by proxy; and to develop our own lives in new ways.

A difficult situation for both sides I think.

This

If it is your husbands opinion you too. Then I would say stick to your grounds and perhaps plan a different day out with your MIL

Did you miss that they offered her a holiday to Dubai/Croatia?

Did you also miss that it is organised by OPs Parents. And not really for her to dish out invites.

Bet its hurtful for MiL to see the son shes raised bugger off to this shiny new exciting family whilst shes left on the sidelines apart from obligatory visits. Your DH sounds so selfish

Except they've invited MiL on a holiday and she's refused that offer.

Extend the invite - the more the merrier. I mean if it’s all just a bunch of mates what’s the big deal.

The big deal is, they may have to move to a more expensive villa to accommodate another person. They may not be able to find one in their preferred area. It may mean an extra car needs to be rented.

The big deal is this is the holiday of OP's parents for their four children, who are now adults with partners and in OP's case a child. This is not OP's holiday to be inviting people along to.

@sleepingpup Tut tut - you’re shouting again

Listen I egg it there and the MIL needs to get over it because she’s an adult end of story . I agree 100%

But anyone surely can see there’s more to it than that. Clearly the DIL has some issues and the son sounds like an idiot .

The way the OP says on one hand her family doesn’t like her and on the other they don’t know her , it all sounds childish , gossipy and stupid.

I couldn’t be bothered, ffs. Invite her end of.

No one else’s in-laws have requested to go...so it’s not a problem .

Oh this is a tough one. You do sound a bit immature and that you definitely favour your side. However I don't think MIL should tag along with your family holiday; I think you should offer to go away with her. Which you have done, it's a shame she declined that. I would offer again, ask her to suggest somewhere.

My MIL is lovely but annoying and overbearing, we have a good relationship with her and she adores the DC but it's not been without its challenges. We have a close relationship with my parents. This thread has prompted me to suggest to DH that we invite his parents away as we have been away with mine (UK short break). He said no in fairness his reason is FIL rather than MIL, who is a misery and anti social and never bothered with DH and his siblings as kids so doesn't bother with us or our DC now either.

Is it your parents footing the bill for Florida? That is a bit different, my parents have treated us all to Center Parcs before and I don't count that as us going away with them in the same sense because it's a bit different to just inviting them where you're all paying your fair share.

I do think try and involve her a bit more though, give her ample babysitting opportunities and invite her round for lunch. My MIL's main aim is to babysit a lot, so we always ask her and make sure it's equal in that sense (or even swayed a bit more in her favour).

How lovely at 30 with a newborn you can afford Florida & possible Dubai/Croatia.
First world problems OP.

Extend the invite - the more the merrier. I mean if it’s all just a bunch of mates what’s the big deal.

IIts a holiday once every 4 years. So a reasonably big deal. Everyone saves up for it.

It's is organised by OPs parents. It is their holiday to dish out invites for. They pay for some of the group items like mini van to drive everyone around.

They do this for their kids and partners who they are close to.I expect it's quite a big deal for them.
^
How very dare they?^

Families like this are the worst. So cliquey and insular. I'd think anyone that wonderful would just do the decent thing and stop excluding someone from something they have every right to want to be a part of and not wish to inflict hurt or loneliness. People with the privilege of being born into a large family never seem to want to extend to sharing that happiness with others or welcome them in.

As an aside OP I've yet to meet one that doesn't bitch and snipe behind each others backs like anyone else, however much everyone thinks they get on and are the Waltons. Clearly you spend a lot of time doing so about your MIL.

I wonder sometimes if people actually ever bother to grasp that loneliness and wanting a big family and all you perceive that comes with it but not having been lucky to be born into one is a very, very painful thing and affects some people significantly. Imagine having to bulldoze into a holiday all the while people are making clear you're an outsider and your presence would spoil it. Find a way to make it work OP, in another life that could very easily be you, and you wouldn't like it.

How lovely at 30 with a newborn you can afford Florida & possible Dubai/Croatia.
First world problems OP.

Well that just smacks of jealousy. People are free to post about any problems they have on here.

Sorry OP I've now read all your replies, I can see you pay for yourselves for Florida. I still don't think you are BU in not wanting to invite her, especially as you've offered to go separately.

She does sound tricky, and tbh she sounds very unhappy. Have you noticed a change in her in terms of how critical she is when she's single versus in a relationship? It could just be her nature, which I agree is hard work, or it could be a signal she's very unhappy.

Either way I think to make sure you're doing the right thing, keep asking her where she wants to go on the holiday, and keep arranging social things with her so she can see her DGC. You mention your DH doesn't really bother, but if I was you (and actually I do this too) I would suggest to your DH to invite her round for lunch or out for the day etc. Don't feel like you have to replicate what you have with your family with the big group days out, we have a very different relationship with my PIL as we do with my DP, and that's mainly because as above FIL is a miserable shit! So we see PIL regularly (or did before lockdown) but in shorter bursts, an hour here and there, whereas we probably see my DP less often overall but tends to be for longer, a day at their house or an evening meal and overnight stay.