MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

Neither the OP or her family, or even the DH, have time for or like, the MIL. There will be no Disney holiday, she is not and will not be invited.
There's no crime in MIL feeling jealous of the fun and good times all is had with OP family. Maybe if you were divorced and on your own, not seeing much of your son and being left out, then yeah I can see why she would want to be included on that. This whole thread is banging on about the Disney trip but it's clearly way more than that. Birthdays, Christmas etc. How much time is actually given to MIL, does it even matter? MN hates MIL. The DH either makes more effort with his mother, or he doesn't.

I just can't understand how anyone and there are lots on here think it is in any way acceptable to think it's ok to invite yourself on another families holiday. Yes, her son is going, but he's going only because he's married into that family. Mil is in no way part of that family. So she doesn't get to go.

She can go on holiday with her family, and has indeed been offered this.

How people think otherwise to this, is beyond me.

Exactly @Jeremyironsnothing

Do all these posters do that?

What an uncomfortable situation.

Firstly, as a MIL myself, widowed and living alone, I have to say that I would never ask to go on a holiday with any of the family. I respect their privacy and the importance of their own family holidays.

But I have been asked by them to join them on some holidays, and my response was that I would love to, but that it was not setting a precedent and I would not be the least offended by them not asking me, as suits them. This has worked well - I enjoy the holidays I go on with them occasionally; and I take great delight in all the pics of holidays that happen without me there and love to see them enjoying themselves.

It sounds as though this lady is lonely and feels sidelined, but I am surprised that she is not happy with your kind offer of going away just with your family. She does sound an unhappy lady and I really am not sure what you can do about that.

When our children form their own families we have to accept that we are no longer the lynch pin of their lives as we were when they were young. It is challenging, and sometimes a hard road to begin with. But most of us get there and learn to enjoy their enjoyments by proxy; and to develop our own lives in new ways.

A difficult situation for both sides I think.

I've just done a count in my family.
If we did a trip like the op we would have DM, 5 offspring, 4 partners so 10 adults and 13 grandkids (3 adult grandchildren). If offspring's spouses parents were expected to attend then it would be 10 more adult in the mix. That's 19 adults and 13 grandkids.
Then those PILs would presumably like their kids and other grandkids there so in our case that makes it...36 adults and 28 kids. Or, adjusting for adult grandkids 39 adults and 25 kids.

MN hates MIL. The DH either makes more effort with his mother, or he doesn't

The two are related. Women are expected to manage all the family relationships. its not surprising if the DiL/MiL relationship can become strained if the sons make no effort and the MiL expects the DiL to perform that role.

Most of the poor in law relationships I see are either poor relationships before the couple get together or a consequence of men (and sometimes their parents), assuming that the new DiL is responsible for managing the whole relationship. She isn't.

Once more for the people in the back:

This is OP’s family holiday. She has no right to start bringing stray relatives.

Or do you think all of her siblings should bring their in-laws too?

Secondly, they’ve offered to go on holidays with her. She doesn’t want that.

Thirdly, none of you have responded to the questions about whether you all invite your in-laws to family events all the time. If not, why not? Because in your world, in-laws should be included in everything.

I do understand that women are going to be closer to their own mother.
But there's no need to completely block the other GPS out.

What on earth makes you think she has been completely blocked out? Did you miss the bits about them going on days out with her and inviting her on a different family holiday with them?

If not inviting your MIL to join your parents' family holiday once every four years is completely blocking her out, we are clearly all victims of this blocking.

My parents have been on holiday without me. My children will do the same in years to come. Should I be offended and feel blocked out if they don't invite me to join them every time?

So glad I have a DD

@BillieEilish

If she were to go on a holiday with her OH immediate family and you liked the look of it would you put pressure on her to get you invited?

@Mischance

You sound lovely. And I bet that's why you get invited to go on holidays with family.

Being a nice person is always the best reason to be invited.

sleepingpup I will never, ever have this problem.

I think most of the new posters imagining they know the MIL very well and know exactly how she must be feeling have only read the first post and not bothered to read the following 30 odd pages.

In what world is it ever acceptable for an adult to ask to gatecrash near strangers' family holidays? To expect them to sort out the logistics of booking larger accommodation and car hire? To change the whole atmosphere of the holiday for the 10 other adults that are going? People saying, oh if it's a disaster just don't ask her again, but do you honestly think it's fair to gamble everybody else's holiday like that? Just so one woman gets her tantrum demands net?
Everybody claiming that MIL is a poor, lovely, lonely lady who has worked her fingers to the bone to bring up her boys single handed until the wicked DIL stole her previously loving son away from her and has now banned her from seeing her son and his child. This is not at all what the OP had described.

Lovely people are pleasant to be around. Maybe if the MIL was as welcoming and nice to the OP as OP's family were to OP's husband she wouldn't find herself in this position, where neither of her sons want much of a relationship with her. It is not up to OP to fix this. And it is not up to OP to ask the other 10 people who save for four years for this holiday to accommodate a stranger to them coming along to gatecrash it. She has been offered a separate holiday with the OP, her husband and baby but that's not acceptable to the demanding MIL.

@Mischance

That was beautifully put, and you sound like the kind of MIL I want to be when I grow up (it must happen eventually, right?!).

With that kind of thoughtfulness, empathy and understanding, there's no way you'd have anything but the lovely relationship you have with your offspring and their families that you clearly do.

My MIL and I have had our moments over the years, especially in the early years as their tightknit little family (they'd emigrated as a family of four to NZ, and it makes you turn into a very tight unit!) adjusted to expansion, and we outlaws tried to find our place and our role within the family. I am tremendously fond of my MIL, she's a lovely lady who I care for deeply.

It's such a complex relationship to navigate.

I don't understand why everyone is giving OP shit. A holiday once every 4 years with her family and she doesn't want to take her MIL. That's perfectly ok!! She has also offered to go on holiday with her husband child and MIL somewhere just as nice (frikkin Dubai!) but MIL is being awkward.

These are the same kind of posters that say when their kids kick off about not wanting to eat what's being offered they go hungry.

I think people are being a bit ridiculous tbh. Her MIL is trying to barge her way into a holiday she was never invited to and OP is in the wrong?

My dad is widowed and an only child whereas my partner's parents have each other & other family. They have always invited him to family events and extended the hand of friendship to him. They all get on really well. We try to spend more time with him because he is by himself. Have you or your family ever tried being nice to her? Invited her on things? If she's always excluded and she hears about all these wonderful events, no wonder she has a negative attitude. Try being kind & see where is gets you. If she is still a pain, then you would be justified in leaving her out.

So you’ve welcomed other in-laws in the form of siblings spouses but not the woman who raised your husband?

You need to be a lot more patient , inclusive and caring. She’s your family now too.
She wants to experience all this family fun you keep throwing in her face. Grow up.

I think the assumption that when two people get married their families are automatically joined and should spend time together is ridiculous. My ILs constantly bang on about how DH and I should be organising events for the parents to meet up. Problem is my parents don't want to spend time with my ILs because they're not my parents' sort of people. And there's nothing wrong with that, it was me and DH that got married, not our parents. We deal with it by pointing out that the ILs are adults and have my parents contact details so if they want to spend time with them they can sort it out themselves. It does also spring from the ILs having isolated themselves over the years and so not having many friends. Not my parents' problem though.

I also find it really weird that this is an issue- why have your family never extended an invite before?
The apple doesn’t fall far ...

But they haven’t invited the siblings in-laws. So it’s not the same, is it?

@jackie2669 you can't be serious. MN is full of threads encouraging people to go low contact/no contact with toxic family members. OP said in a reply that this woman is bloody hard work and can be very unpleasant. Why would you take her to Florida!!

she bought him up as a single mum

No she didn't. You haven't read the thread.

unless he was a loving son till you came along and put your poison in

Total projection.

how often do you let her see grandchild compared to the amount of time you brag to her about spending with your family .

"let her see" her grandchild

"brag" to her

Total projection.

Why does she even WANT to go on hols with this Poisonous Op's family?

Why DOES N'T she want to go on holiday with just her son, OP and DGC?
@jackie2669

You haven't read the thread have you?

So you’ve welcomed other in-laws in the form of siblings spouses but not the woman who raised your husband?

OP 's PARENTS are organising this holiday!!!!!

They have invited their children and spouses.

And NO they have NOT invited "the woman who has raised their SON IN LAW. "
^
Dear God.^

@sleepingpup exactly. Op has said both her DH and his brother have a strained relationship with MIL because she can be unkind. After spending a lovely day together she will bombard with nasty texts.

In any other thread everyone would be saying it's absolutely fine to distance yourself from someone who is toxic and can damage your MH. In fact OPS BIL has done pretty much that with his own mother.

But OP is the raging bitch for not wanting to inflict MILS nastiness on her whole family. For two weeks. In Florida.