MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

csstaff agree but some of us are a bit more worried that a grown adult rarely asks to come in a holiday without there being something up.
I personally read it that she was lonely and feeling less a part of their lives. She’s fairly recently divorced/separated and in her own.
Agree there’s no way she should be invited unless the family want to but I am really sad that she’s asked.

@HeronLanyon

Why do you think she doesn't want to go on the holiday with just her Son , Op and Dc. where she would see much more of her own family?

So where does this end? Their nice family holiday could end up with all sorts of in laws invited.
They agree to take ops mil. Her siblings parents in law hear that someone outside the immediate family is going too, so they want to be included and so on. They can't say no as already ops mil is going. Where does it end?

Both sides of our family are lovely, but we do things separately with them. Wouldn't want to change the dynamics of either by allowing others to tag on.

Would be different if they never went on holiday with ops mil. But they've already offered that.

I can't believe anyone thinks it's wrong of OP not to invite MIL on a holiday organised, largely, by OP's parents. And that's setting aside the fact that MIL's behaviour is unpredictable.

I think people are not being very objective on this thread and thinking about how they would want to be treated if they were MIL and not about the circumstances set out by OP. MIL isn't the only person to consider here - why should what she wants trump what everyone else would want? If it was DB/SIL writing that OP wanted to bring her MIL I think there would (rightly) be a very different response.

We go on holidays with my parents about once a year but wouldn't dream of inviting MIL on holiday with just us, let alone with my family. Some people reading that would think we're awful people but there's a history (including a bad history of mixing families) and we're LC for a reason.

@DisneyBaby have you or DH had any further conversations with MIL about this?

I personally read it that she was lonely and feeling less a part of their lives. She’s fairly recently divorced/separated and in her own.
Agree there’s no way she should be invited unless the family want to but I am really sad that she’s asked.

She's been offered opportunities of other holidays but has rejected them. She's been on days out which she is then subsequently negative about.

If it's about loneliness then why is she not jumping on the offer of the Dubai or Croatia holiday?

Your MIL is being difficult, if she doesnt want to go on a nice seperate holiday with her son, you and GC , why does she want to go to Florida?
I wouldnt invite her, its also up to your husband to sort this

Tricky situation. My mam difficult so I dont get into breaks. You set a pattern then. They want go every year.

Why do you think she doesn't want to go on the holiday with just her Son , Op and Dc. where she would see much more of her own family?

Maybe she knows it won't happen.

We know the op doesn't like her,so what are the chances the holiday will actually happen.

*Maybe she knows it won't happen.

We know the op doesn't like her,so what are the chances the holiday will actually happen*

What evidence is there it won't happen? Seeing as they've previously arranged and been on days out with her?

A lot of mothers with Sons are projecting/panicking on this thread.

Imagine you are the OP’s sister. Would you be chuffed about going on holiday with your brother in law’s mother (given you don’t know her all that well)? Should you and your husband then invite your own MIL along too? Where does this end....?

Maybe she knows it won't happen.*

She doesn't know it won't happen. There's no evidence for that.

And We're not talking about a shrinking violet here.

Were talking about someone who makes her views very clear.

There was a thread on here not too long ago where 4 female friends were organising a girlie holiday and there was war when one of them tried to insist her husband tag along. All the replies decided he was a CF.

There was another thread where a maid of honour caused ructions because she wanted to bring her baby and her husband on the brides hen - and commandeer the best and biggest bedroom for herself. Again she was clearly the CF.

Family arrange a family reunion type holiday. Someone who's related to their in-law wants to come. Someone who they've only met a handful of times in their life and has a reputation for being rather difficult. It's perfectly reasonable to say "no, we would prefer it if it was just our offspring, spouses and grandchildren on this holiday. We aren't extending the invitation to your husbands mother, when not even her son gets along with her"
MIL is a CF, pure and simple.

I would love to hear the MIL’s take on this.

Surely if your husband actually wanted her to come this would have been an issue before now? It sounds like she is quite a difficult person, not fair at all for the other 8 people to have to accommodate someone awkward they don't know very well on their holiday. Bit of a reverse situation here but when I was with my ex we spent a lot of time with his parents...they were fun, easygoing, liked a few drinks, made themselves at home when they visited, pitched in round the house and didn't need much entertaining etc etc. We didn't go on hols together, but I would have done happily. My own parents (mother plus stepdad) were very set in their ways, prudish and old fashioned, and just downright difficult a lot of the time and consequently we saw them far less. I would definitely not have holidayed with them!

I'm sure if OPs MIL was fun to be around, given that OPs family have met her a numver of times, she'd probably have been more involved previously and possibly already invited on one of the Florida trips. It's certainly not OPs or OPs family's job to provide her with a holiday if her own family aren't keen to go with her!

I would love to hear the MIL’s take on this.

So would I. I'd love to know why she's turning down a holiday with her son and grandchild and demanding she be taken on her son's PiL's holiday.

Your MIL is being difficult, if she doesnt want to go on a nice seperate holiday with her son, you and GC , why does she want to go to Florida?
I wouldnt invite her, its also up to your husband to sort this

Too right.

She's doesn't have a great relationship with her son. She's actually ( whispers) not that bothered about spending the time with him.

She just wants to be in the big group. I know someone like this. She thinks it's Ok to guilt trip and insist her DiL to organise her an in.
Even though she KNOWS it's Ops parents trip. That's just not very nice. Lonely or not.

Just because she's single, a MiL, has a poor relationship with both her sons It does not necessarily mean she is a nice person.

I do think her son and OP should make an effort with her. But she has rejected their holiday offer.Her being lonely and she probably is, doesn't mean she also gets to INSIST which holiday she goes on.

I

Imagine you are the OP’s sister. Would you be chuffed about going on holiday with your brother in law’s mother (given you don’t know her all that well)? Should you and your husband then invite your own MIL along too? Where does this end....?

Exactly.

The MiL is not part of the OP's family. The OP is part of her DH's family and he becomes part of hers but the in-laws are not tied to each other in the same way.

I surprised so many people think it perfectly fine to add on other adults to a holiday they haven't organised or planned. Do you all feel entitled to invite extended family every time you receive an invitation? Its all very well to say "be kind" but its not the OP's event to extend.

If MiL's relationship with both her sons is poor then that is for the sons to sort out. It isn't the responsibility of the female partners.

The MiL has been offered an alternative holiday and refused it. She was quite happy to go long haul without her sons when she had a better offer available.

Beyond that every family dynamic is different. Not everyone's in-laws/parents get on and that isn't automatically the woman's fault.

Honestly, with a new baby I would take her a long and get her to help with baby sitting! If it doesn’t work out you can ban her from future holidays. Although I think she is acting a bit entitled...the issue in my large family would be if I can take my m’n’law than my 4 siblings would want to invite their extended families...and then ultimately that would change the dynamic of spending time with my siblings.

lot of mothers with Sons are projecting/panicking on this thread.

And rightly so.

I do understand that women are going to be closer to their own mother.
But there's no need to completely block the other GPS out.

Plus maybe the op doesn't want the Mil there as maybe the mil isn't as bad as op is making out
After all she's painted mil Iman awful light.

I get the feeling that there are a lot of MILs on here. Think about it though if you are. How many holidays have you been on that have been hosted by your dil or sil family because in my world this is not the norm.

And the fact that they have invited her on another holiday just makes me think that she has a fear of missing out FOMO. She is carrying on like a spoilt brat.

But there's no need to completely block the other GPS out.

Why doesn't she want to go on a nice separate holiday ?
@rayoflightboy

That isn't being "blocked out"

I surprised so many people think it perfectly fine to add on other adults to a holiday

I agree, look at the ‘she brought her husband to the hen do’ or were 4 friends going to x party town and she wants her baby sister to tag along - it’s no different

I do understand that women are going to be closer to their own mother.
But there's no need to completely block the other GPS out.

Why is this women's responsibility? It's up to a man how he manages his relationship and that of his children with his parents. It's not the fault of the wife if her husband can't be bothered to see his family. She should not then have to sacrifice time with her own family in the name of 'fairness'.

This MiL is not being completely blocked out. She's been offered a holiday with her son and grandchild, she's rejected that offer.
The holiday she wants in on is a husband, wife, their four adult children and the partners of those children and now a grandchild. Why do they have to give up their holiday to MiL? She has no right to demand an invitation to another family's holiday that could mean they incur more costs or have to change their plans to accommodate her.

I do understand that women are going to be closer to their own mother.
But there's no need to completely block the other GPS out.

Oh rubbish. The MiL isn't being blocked out, she has been offered an alternative and was quite happy to go without them when she had a better option. If her focus was spending time with them the alternative would actually work better.

I have sons and daughters. My relationship with their partners' extended families is entirely my responsibility and it wouldn't occur to me to expect to be included in all their in-laws family plans any more than I was automatically invite them on family holidays I organise.