MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

@GreenTulips

Ultimately making his mum feel less lonely is down to OPs husband

Since when is it a child’s responsibility to sort his/her mother’s social life? I’d be horrified if my kids felt the need to include me because I was lonely!!

Exactly this.

I'm in the same position as the MIL except I get on very well with my son and his DP. I'm on my own - I have some friends but they are married with families so their holidays are rightly spent en famille.

I wouldn't dream of muscling in on their time together or on the holidays they might have with her family. I'm cringing at the thought. They are entitled to spend their holiday time as they choose and it's very generous of them to offer to go with her somewhere else.

I simply can't get my head round the mentality of the MIL. Can she be so insensitive that she wouldn't feel pitied if they had acceded? Which reminds me. Don't pity people like me who are on their own. It's patronising.

If it helps
We took MiL to Florida
She did everyone's head in.
But we all look back and laugh

I feel sorry for MIL

I feel sorry for MIL

I feel sorry for the people who still think it’s the onus of the DIL to do their son’s job of contacting his own mother and to keep up their relationship. If this was OP saying that her husband isn’t really bothered with his mum and that she was urging him to include her more despite how difficult she is that both of her children fall out with her, most would be saying for OP to keep out of it and/or follow her husband’s lead because that’s his mother. Yet, completely different tune because he gets on better with her bigger family than he does his own.

Obviously some of you either don’t have a difficult parent of OP’s mother’s nature or you are that difficult parent but just don’t want to admit it.

It’s a trip that comes by once every four years for OP’s parents to spend time with all of their children, their spouses, and their grandchildren. None of the adult children’s in-laws are coming. OP and her husband have offered to take her on other trip options with just them and their daughter where she would get quality time with them, but no. She doesn’t want that, she wants to go on this trip ignoring the fact that it isn’t OP’s decision. It’s her parents so she trying to guilt trip them which is likely not winning any points with her son since she doesn’t want to spend time with just them. She has her own social life and what not, she just doesn’t have a partner.

It is not your responsibility to make her feel less lonely. Don’t invite her. You’ve offered her a different holiday which she declined so it’s clearly not about wanting to spend time with you and husband. You don’t sound like you hate her, just not that close. Which is ok. People have gone crazy on this thread. Again.

It is not your responsibility to make her feel less lonely

Ah the gold standard on how to treat your family 🤣

You go so often to Florida so what's the harm in letting her come for one visit. It would mean so much to her without putting you out too much. You sound really unkind

It might be kind to MIL to invite her, but less kind to everyone else to have what sounds like a rather critical person there who will likely destroy the easy going dynamics.

It's a lot of effort to arrange a big trip like this and it sounds like your DPs do it because they genuinely love having everyone around, but for MIL just to assume she can tag along meaning a bigger villa, minivan etc. etc. is a bit clueless.

Also when there presumably she will want to spend all her time with OP, her DS and DGS so they will have no time on their own - which to me is a bit of a necessity in a big group holiday.

If you'd said No and not offered the other joint holidays, then you would be being a little bit unkind, but you've said you will go on holiday with her to other locations so I can't see what the problem is other than she wants to muscle in on the big family holiday. As others have said if she wants the villa and extended family holiday she needs to organise that herself.

She's reaping what she has sown. Inviting yourself along or putting pressure on someone to do so is more proof she is a bit of an entited PITA. I would go quiet about the Florida trip and if she mentions it again say, "How's that going to work though? It's not me doing the inviting!" Barmy tosser that she is.

Bluntness, I get what you are saying. If I had a relative who was lonely I would want to do what I could to make them less so. I'm not sure about taking her on holiday with all of partner's family though, it's possible the rest of the family wouldn't want her and that would be dreadful, she'd feel even more lonely. There are families who are quite exclusive - my mother's was like that, they didn't mix 'outside' unless they had to. I hated it and am not at all like that but we're all different. I suppose there's security in what you know.

This is quite a tricky situation. Generally a mother in law would not have said anything even if she thought it but unfortunately she has - that is quite surprising! I wonder if she really means it. However it's not likely to happen this year so not a pressing issue. Nobody is going to make firm plans to visit Florida until they are sure they can and at the moment, America doesn't want anyone from Europe. I have a friend who lives in Orlando and she can't even visit relatives in a different part of Florida!

@DisneyBaby I find your post extremely sad.

I'm picking up a few things, I would imagine being a single mum having more than likely worked hard to bring up her son on her own to all of a sudden being cut out of his life will be difficult.

Having to listen to all the fun things and how great your family are can't be fun either.

Also I'm guessing your family 'find her annoying or don't really like her' will be because of what you have told them?

I agree with pp in that you have a dislike for the woman and the fact that you say why does she want to go on a holiday with a family that isn't hers well, even though you might not like it you ARE her family, your husband IS her son and weather you like it or not your baby is her grandchild. Maybe try and give her some understanding to how it might feel being the odd one out or being left out.

My mum is now on her own following my dad dying young and I would absolutely hate if my sister in law treated her how your mother in law is being treated. My father in law died last year and by god I make sure she has as much contact as possible with us.

I just find your post really sad

People are clearly not reading the updates.

She became a single mum four years before op and her dh got together. She did not raise young babies into men alone.

She has been offered two rather expensive holidays along side a centr parcs trip and refused.

The Florida holiday is not ops to invite guests on. It is organised by her own parents once every four years.

It is not a DILS job to arrange everything. If the DH cannot be arsed with his own mother that’s an issue between him and his mum not the DIL.

Wonder where some dils get their negative impressions of theirs husbands mums from? The husbands themselves!

- I swear some of these people are reading something completely different to the rest of us, the hate for the OP is nuts.

Or it doesn't fit their own agenda, so they're just making stuff up! Absolutely crazy some of these replies.

'It is not your responsibility to make her feel less lonely
*

Ah the gold standard on how to treat your family* 🤣

So you're saying it is the OP's responsibility to make MiL feel less lonely? Why is not her own as a fully functioning adult? Or her sons? What exactly is OP to do, seeing as they've already been on days out with her and offers of holidays have been rejected?

You go so often to Florida so what's the harm in letting her come for one visit. It would mean so much to her without putting you out too much. You sound really unkind

The MiL has previously been to Florida, if she's so desperate to go what's the harm in her suggesting that they go between the years of OP's family trips?

It also isn't the OP's holiday to invite people along on; its her parents. One extra person could mean having to move villas, not being in their preferred location and more expensive car hire.

Epic bold fail there 😬

I’d let your husband lead on this. If he ignores her that’s him. And you accept that’s how he wants to handle the situation. She sounds hard work, I would definitely remove myself from the line of fire on this one. Let your DH arrange holidays and things with his mother if he wants. He clearly doesn’t want as she turns pleasant times around and bitches afterwards ruining things for everyone.

I love my mother in law and remind DP to invite her to us. But otherwise stay out of the relationship it’s theirs primarily. I’m always polite and pleasant when we meet send pictures of our doctor her, but not going to shoulder responsibility for her.

And no you can’t invite her on your parents family holiday that’s so bizarre. It’s their arranged holidays not yours.
And it sounds like she’d be nasty about it anyway and ruin it for everyone.

Ummm I can see why she feels left out and wants more time with you guys, but I don't think it's fair to demand she gets to tag along especially if you offered an alternative and she can see it's your families special thing. It's a bit stubborn and shameless to carry on insisting she has to come if that's what she is doing. However, I can see it's a tense relationship, as long as she hasn't done anything terrible I would make more effort to include her in things esp as she seems quite lonely and was a single parent.

I absolutely 100% do not believe marriage means merging both sides of the family. This just does not happen in reality, for most families. I wonder if those replying so negatively to you have very positive, easy and amicable relationships with their in laws? Inviting an argumentative and difficult fully grown adult along (who they barely know) on your families' holiday sounds like a disaster waiting to happen... A holiday they've been waiting four years for, and will have to wait another four year for after that. No. Just no.

She needs to understand its not your holiday to invite her on and it would be very rude to bring her. Just reinforce you are happy to book an alternative holiday, and even suggest your dh other siblings and partners be invited. This is far less to do with your MIL being single, and far more to do with how she clearly can't maintain relationships with her own children.

YABU and your husband even moreso!

I think you sound really awful and unkind. I could never treat someone like that. I feel so sorry for the woman.
She really wants to go to Florida and her own son is happy to swan off their with his wife and all her family, leaving her out.
It's clear she's treated like a second class citizen compared to your family.
Just so sad.

How would you feel if you were in her position?

If I were your MIL, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with you.

TWO Questions

why doesn't MiL want to go on a holiday with her son, DC and OP ( if it is about being lonely and wanting to spend time with her son and grandchild ) ?

Would anyone else feel it was ok to invite themselves onto a holiday that was organised by people they had spent the odd Christmas with, getting SOMEONE ELSE to ask for them?

Oh come on - the Op has offered a number of other holidays and been rejected. If she genuinely wanted to spend time with her son, gc and the Op she'd have said yes.
You can't muscle in on a trip if you haven't been invited.

I think you are being unfair and childish , I am the same age as you and I have a mil I don’t exactly love but I wouldn’t treat her this way. If you family would be upset by it then they sound abit mean too

This thread is so frustrating. They have invited her on holiday - just not the holiday to Disney. She sounds like a spoilt child. I would be thinking about dropping the other holiday offer and Disney is not yours to offer.

She really wants to go to Florida and her own son is happy to swan off their with his wife and all her family, leaving her out.

They go ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS.

She has been to Florida before. None of OPs siblings are bringing their in Laws.

It's clear she's treated like a second class citizen compared to your family.

She does not have a good relationship with her own son BUT they have offered a holiday to Dubai or Croatia.

If I were your MIL, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with you.

Strangely she wants to ONLY go on OP's parents family holiday. Not on the one with her son and immediate family.