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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL expects to come on family holiday

999 replies

DisneyBaby · 11/06/2020 11:49

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ILoveYou3000 · 11/06/2020 21:44

It's nasty that you've told your family about the disagreements you've had with her and that you are so obviously putting your family above her

Why is it nasty? Are people not allowed to talk to or confide in their family? Maybe OP's family have witness the behaviour of MiL. And it's not the OP's responsibility to put her relationship with her MiL above that of her relationship with her parents.

Rubyupbeat · 11/06/2020 21:53

This is so sad for her. She must feel really pushed out. My friend is in her position. she is a lovely person but her dil is like you, and she is left out such a lot, you sound like you want to bring your partner into the fold and just cast her off.

ILoveYou3000 · 11/06/2020 21:57

🤦🏻‍♀️

She feels so pushed out she turns down holidays with her son, DiL and grandchild. But don't let facts get in the way of blaming a woman for the fact her husband doesn't have a good relationship with his mum.

Poppinjay · 11/06/2020 21:57

My friend is in her position. she is a lovely person but her dil is like you, and she is left out such a lot,

Has her DIL offered to take her on a lovely family holiday to Dubai or Croatia?

Poppinjay · 11/06/2020 21:58

you sound like you want to bring your partner into the fold and just cast her off.

She does.... for the duration of her parents' whole family holiday, once every four years. How dreadful!

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/06/2020 22:04

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her.

Reads to me like the OP, DH and child spend a lot more time with her family than his, and that the MIL is aware of this. She has nothing but good to say about her own family and nothing good at all to say about MIL.

Its not about a holiday at all. Once every four years? YANBU. All the time? Not so much.......

coronafiona · 11/06/2020 22:07

It's mean not to invite her. She's lonely.

Macncheeseballs · 11/06/2020 22:08

U6ou talk about a cycle of negativity initiated by her behaviour in the past, then why not break that cycle by generously giving more of your family life to her, bring her into your fold, surely your family have enough bonhomie to spread around

Macncheeseballs · 11/06/2020 22:09

*you

Lynda07 · 11/06/2020 22:12

I doubt you'll be going to Florida this year so why discuss it so openly with your mother in law. Just tell her nobody is thinking of foreign holidays right now because they may not be possible.

Be vague and change the subject.

I'm really surprised the woman doesn't have more pride than to suggest muscling in, at the same time I don't think it would hurt your parents to include her occasionally. She would appreciate that.

sleepingpup · 11/06/2020 22:15

It's mean not to invite her. She's lonely.

She's been invited on a holiday with OP, DS and Dc. Did you realise that?

She just wants to go to Florida with OPs family.

@coronafiona

ILoveYou3000 · 11/06/2020 22:16

It's mean not to invite her. She's lonely

Not that lonely she accepted the invitation to Croatia or Dubai.

Also, it's not the OP's place to invite her. Her parents are hosting the holiday for their children and their children's partners.

then why not break that cycle by generously giving more of your family life to her, bring her into your fold, surely your family have enough bonhomie to spread around

You mean by doing something like inviting her on a holiday with her son and grandchild and attempting to arrange one with both her sons, their partners and her grandchild?

ILoveYou3000 · 11/06/2020 22:21

She would appreciate that.

How do you know she'd appreciate it? Seeing as she usually finds fault in days out and has turned down a holiday with her son's immediate family.

Where is the line drawn if OP's parents invite her MiL, what about the FiL? BiL? How about the in-laws of their three other children?

Itsnotalwaysme · 11/06/2020 22:36

Its cheeky as hell to invite yourself on holiday with anyone.

Best case would be a new tradition with MIL that keeps her happy and keeps your holiday stress free

tillytown · 11/06/2020 22:43

I don't understand why people think its the OPs responsibility to make time for her MIL instead of her husband. Men aren't idiots, the husband could easily arrange a holiday, meal, get together with his mother, but he hasn't, that's on him, not the OP. You lot really need to stop blaming women for the laziness of men.
Also its not her holiday, its her families, it they wanted her there they would have asked.

User8008135 · 11/06/2020 23:04

Yanbu. it's once every 4 fucking years, not every 4 weeks or months!

The MIL is not the OPs parents or her siblings family, she doesn't sound that great to get along with either if her own other son and his gf won't holiday with her. If you go the family route then the PIL of every sibling plus FIL should be there.

I'm not sure if a load of people haven't read the thread updates, are very masochistic and into being a doormat, or on a wind up.

It's good you've realised you are the one always instigating she joins in and you meet up but it really does emphasise your dhs (and backs up his brothers) reluctance too. Push him to be the one inviting and reoffer the holiday without your family.

Cornishclio · 11/06/2020 23:14

Honestly some of the people on here are mad. The family have organised the holiday and invited OP and her husband and GC plus her siblings and their partners. No PIL of anyone, no single friends who don't have anyone else to go with. It is a holiday every 4 years not every year and an expensive one at that. Why would you invite someone that most of the group (her own son included) finds annoying? Whilst I appreciate she may be lonely there may also be reasons for that. Ultimately making his mum feel less lonely is down to OPs husband but it does not have to be on the two weeks in four years time that the OP and her DH and DD are on holiday with her family. Just tell her that it is just your side of the family going OP but maybe encourage your DH to make more effort with her to stop her feeling so lonely. It does not have to be a holiday, it is not your responsibility to arrange your MILs holiday plans. Does she have friends?

Just ignore the nasty name calling people on here who are not content with just YABU but have to make personal vindictive remarks about people they do not know.

ProudMarys · 12/06/2020 00:13

I think then you need to push your laid back husband to sort issues out with his mum more and make her feel included as it's his mum. I would expect my DH to do that. My sisters mil has mental health problems and can be very difficult but she is on her own and very lonely. My sister had experienced being told off after a day visit, when they thought they had a nice day. It's not an easy relationship at all but it's her husbands mum so she tries to be supportive plus her mil has bipolar I think. I don't think she should go to Florida if she won't feel welcomed but I do think your husband needs to make more effort with his mum all you can do is be supportive and try to remember she is family too and you can't choose family so long as she is not toxic try to ignore annoyances or if not possible politely but firmly stick up for yourselves.

Maggie90 · 12/06/2020 00:24

I feel so sorry for your MIL. That’s her son. Imagine how much you live your daughter, that does not change as they get older. She just wants to spend time with you all.

I understand some MIL overstep the mark but I think ultimately most just want to be apart of their children’s and grandchildren’s life.

I think it’s nice that you offered to organise another holiday but I can see why she feels a little left out.

Maggie90 · 12/06/2020 00:27

Posted to soon.

I don’t think you should feel obliged to invite her on your family holiday but you sound as if you don’t really like her and can’t understand why she would want to come along.

I may be projecting slightly on this thread as I can’t stand all the MIL bashing on Mumsnet.

GreenTulips · 12/06/2020 00:54

Ultimately making his mum feel less lonely is down to OPs husband

Since when is it a child’s responsibility to sort his/her mother’s social life? I’d be horrified if my kids felt the need to include me because I was lonely!!

Sweettea1 · 12/06/2020 01:02

I feel sorry for mil its her son who she brought up on her own an grand baby but she's not classed as family all about your family an what you want very selfish. How about you go away with your family and let mil go away with hers ya know her Son and gran baby!!

Jeremyironsnothing · 12/06/2020 01:08

It's a can of worms. You let her come then other in laws will want to invite members of their families.
Best to stick to the family and partners only.

BeingLonely · 12/06/2020 01:13

@Sweettea1 do you not read the OP’s posts? She didn’t bring him up on her own, her dh’s parents split 4 years before they got married. She’s bloody offered MIL a holiday with just them but it’s not good enough apparently!

tillytown · 12/06/2020 01:17

Beinglonely - I swear some of these people are reading something completely different to the rest of us, the hate for the OP is nuts.

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