MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

The whole thing sounds utterly ghastly. Are you sure your DH enjoys living half his life enmeshed in your family? Why don't you all grow up a bit and spread your wings?

I'm sure if he didn't he wouldn't agree to the holidays. And how is one holiday every four years with OP's parents stopping her from spreading her wings? What's so wrong with being close to your parents? Or, gasp, being friends with your siblings?

OP, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not invite your MIL on the holiday with your side of the family.

But you do sound a little bit obsessed with your family, still doing loads of stuff that you did as children, and describing it in such glowing terms while MIL is described as boring.

How does our DH feel about being expected to go on holiday with your parents and siblings? And to be expected to do loads of stuff with them?

I've a friend who married into a "big, happy, extremely close family". She quickly found it quite suffocating. Her husband constantly wanted to do things with them; she was expected to turn up for every birthday, New Years party, Easter holiday, summer holiday etc. Once she had kids things were quite strained for a while, as she wanted to pull away a bit and focus more on the little family unit they had created... not to leave his family out, but just to see a bit less of them.

Eventually she pointed out to her DH that he didn't enjoy doing things with his cousins all the time as a child, but that he was basically making his kids do that (his sister's DC had never been on holiday with just their mum and dad, and as they got older, it was starting to be obvious that they couldn't really be bothered with the whole thing any more). Anyway, he agreed to pull back a bit - still saw his smile once a week, but they spent a bit more time with her mum and sister as well. Over time, he said he actually started to appreciate the quiet of her mum's house, and the way her mum would take time to bake and read with the kids - his mum never did that; things at his house were just constant noise and "fun".

I would suggest you pull back a bit, stop seeing your family as the only way to do things, and start appreciating your MIL a bit, and appreciating what she can bring to your little family that maybe your parents can't.

Start doing things as just you, DH and DC. See what your kids really enjoy - what if they hate Disney and don't really want to go every 4 years? What would they enjoy?

But, no, I would definitely not invite your MIL on the holiday!

You have effectively taken your husband away from his only blood relation.
Yes OP please unchain your DH from the box you have him trapped in....

YABU

You should invite her
Prob FIL as well and any partner he has
Maybe BIL and SIL so they don’t feel left out?
How many siblings do you have? 3? They should prob invite all their in laws as well.

Just so you are welcoming everyone into the family equally.

Does everyone who thinks op is BU agree?

God forbid 2 parents invite their children plus their partners and kids on holiday.

Tbh I don't think she's that bothered about spending time with her son and DGC.

Me either with her trying to insert herself into this trip and turning down the trips alone with them that have been offered. Why wouldn’t you take that opportunity?

If MIL feels so sidelined, why is she turning down a proposed trip with her son and grandchild where she would have time with them and dil alone?

2 things jump out at me.

1,Maybe the dh doesnt want to upset his wife so he goes along with it.

2.Maybe the mil is a bitch,i dont know.But the op is not covering herself in glory either.

The whole thing sounds utterly ghastly. Are you sure your DH enjoys living half his life enmeshed in your family? Why don't you all grow up a bit and spread your wings?

Once again poor old DH . Utterly unable to manage his own life. 🙄

*I would suggest you pull back a bit, stop seeing your family as the only way to do things, and start appreciating your MIL a bit, and appreciating what she can bring to your little family that maybe your parents can't.

Start doing things as just you, DH and DC. See what your kids really enjoy - what if they hate Disney and don't really want to go every 4 years? What would they enjoy?*

As your friend did if OP's husband is unhappy with the situation I'm sure he'll tell her.

But why should OP pull back from her family if they all enjoy spending time together? What is so wrong with her being friends with her siblings and having a close relationship with her parents?

Her child is still a baby, I'm sure if I'm the future the baby hates Disney then OP will reassess the family holidays. And where does it say that OP doesn't ever do anything alone with her husband and child?

She's also offered alternatives to MiL and BiL which have been rejected. So, because they're not as close a family OP now has to pull away from her family so MiL isn't upset.

Maybe the dh doesnt want to upset his wife so he goes along with it.

He goes along with his wife suggesting that they take his DM on a family holiday somewhere nice? How does he cope with living with such a bitch I wonder?

Omg the sexism in this thread is driving me mental!!! Poor little timid DH, who is too scared to stand up to his EVIL bitch of a wife

Why are we constantly trying to blame the woman?! The OP has already told us that her husband has a strained relationship with his mother.

I feel sorry for your MIL

So hang on, you spend loads of time with YOUR family but not as much with her because she's single

You sound incredibly unkind.

Your DH has joined in on your 'family holiday' as has the spouses of your family members, so why can't MIL come? The poor lady is on her own and has wanted to go!

Very cruel

@OhCaptain I didn't express myself well. What I meant is, my parents haven't done anything horrible to my PILs, but they have been difficult. For example, they insisted that my PILs must watch a film that my parents found fantastic, because they were sure my PILs would love it. It was a black and white Bollywood film from the 50s, in a language they don't speak, so my dad paused every 30 seconds to translate. PILs made their excuses half an hour later and left.

So not horrible, but difficult. Does that make sense?

I feel sorry for your MIL

Do you usually feel sorry for CFs or is it just those who try to muscle in on other people's holidays?

So hang on, you spend loads of time with YOUR family but not as much with her because she's single

Another one who's got it all muddled up🙄

@BlackWhitePurple why should the OP pull back from something she enjoys? Why should she appreciate MIL more? Just because your friend had this experience doesn’t mean others will.

Maybe her DH should take more responsibility for his mother instead of things being left to OP.

There's something really infantile about this thread. It's to do with this idea that grown adults are somehow responsible for the happiness and emotional wellbeing of other grown adults. And that said other grown adults have zero responsibility for making their own happiness, and have carte blanche for trying to place the onus of responsibility on others. Because ... family.

No, no and no.

The happiness of another person is not within anyone's gift.

OP has been eminently reasonable. #BeKind to everyone else, it seems, except herself. It's the age old assumption that family relationships are always for the women to sort out, and they are the ones who should be 'unselfish' and to put their own desires last. Wife Work is alive and well and living on Mumsnet.

So hang on, you spend loads of time with YOUR family but not as much with her because she's single

Err no. They don't spend as much time with her because she makes being around her quite unpleasant. However, despite this, they have offered to take her on an expensive family holiday with them. They just aren't willing to insist that she's allowed to muscle in on her parents' family holiday.

I feel sorry for your MIL

Why?

*So hang on, you spend loads of time with YOUR family but not as much with her because she's single

You sound incredibly unkind.

Your DH has joined in on your 'family holiday' as has the spouses of your family members, so why can't MIL come? The poor lady is on her own and has wanted to go!

Very cruel*

Where did the OP say the reason they don't spend as much time with MiL is because she's single? Stop making stuff up.

And why can't MiL come but the spouses of the adult children whose parents are hosting the holiday can? Perhaps read that again and you'll find your answer.

Are you also saying all people who are on their own should be free to invite themselves on someone else's holiday because "they want to go".

Did you also miss the bit where OP has invited her MiL on a holiday but that's not good enough for MiL.

The OP has already told us that her husband has a strained relationship with his mother.
HE doesn't get on very well with HIS own mother. This is the crux of it.

He is probably gutted OP suggested the Dubai/Croatia holiday.

It so easy and lazy to blame this on OP and expect her to "pull" back from her family who have the timerity to get on well with each other.

Maybe ops sofa is filthy? Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ we only have one viewpoint and it's the DIL who so obviously dislikes the MIL, that even when trying to write nicely about them, they can't..

It's nasty that you've told your family about the disagreements you've had with her and that you are so obviously putting your family above her. I'd say both you and DH, but we only have your view.

Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ we only have one viewpoint

Well that is how MN works 🤷🏻‍♀️

This thread is more batshit than Dracula's castle.
Let's all invite our in-laws to join in other people's holidays without them having a say...

And why can't MiL come but the spouses of the adult children whose parents are hosting the holiday can? Perhaps read that again and you'll find your answer.

Yaaassss!😂

I'll tell you what, OP.

Buy her a flight to Florida for a different week and send her to join in someone else's holiday. I'm sure they'd let her join in because it would be mean not to.