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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL expects to come on family holiday

999 replies

DisneyBaby · 11/06/2020 11:49

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 11/06/2020 20:27

MIL is as much the OPs family as her parents are her husband's family

To the OP, not to her parents or her siblings.

rayoflightboy · 11/06/2020 20:28

Thing is that OP has a good relationship with her family. As does her husband. Her husband doesn't seem to have quite such a positive relationship with his family.

Yes maybe if they spent equal amounts with each family MIL wouldnt feel so sidelined.

Original poster
DisneyBaby · 11/06/2020 20:29

Thanks for all of your reply's.

Whilst it's not very nice to have been called mean, miserable, spiteful and a nasty piece of work etc, your comments have certainly given me some food for thought.

For example, what would I do if it was round the other way and my family was small and my Mum was on her own.

  • Well firstly I wouldn't expect her to be invited on holiday with my husbands family at all. If his MIL chose to personally invite her then that's different but I would never expect her to be invited and I would find it strange and rude if she was insisting on coming with my in laws family too.
  • Secondly, if she was on her own. I would make sure that we definitely had a few things to look forward to with her. Which thinking about it now, my husband does not do, it's always me putting a branch out to her. So perhaps this is where the problem lies?

But the reason my husbands relationship with her isn't the best and he therefore doesn't reach out to her much is because of the way she has criticised and been such a difficult person to be around in the past. It's a vicious circle of her feeling left out and unappreciated, but then when we do do things with her, she makes it such a negative experience that we don't want to spend time with her...

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 11/06/2020 20:30

Yes maybe if they spent equal amounts with each family MIL wouldnt feel so sidelined.

Then that's for the OP's DH to arrange with HIS mum. But it seems he doesn't want to 🤷🏻‍♀️

sleepingpup · 11/06/2020 20:30

Yes maybe if they spent equal amounts with each family MIL wouldnt feel so sidelined.

She's not interested in going on holiday with just her DS, Op and DC though is she?Hmm

ILoveYou3000 · 11/06/2020 20:31

@DisneyBaby is FiL still around?

BeingLonely · 11/06/2020 20:32

@DisneyBaby if your husbands job to maintain the relationship. Not yours. Some people on here need a reality check. I don’t believe your are mean/nasty or spiteful in anyway.

Maybe just be thankful the people calling you names aren’t you MIL?😂

phoenixrosehere · 11/06/2020 20:34

Yes maybe if they spent equal amounts with each family MIL wouldnt feel so sidelined.

If MIL feels so sidelined, why is she turning down a proposed trip with her son and grandchild where she would have time with them and dil alone?

leftovercoffeecake · 11/06/2020 20:35

OP your reasoning is perfectly valid. If your husband doesn't want to spend time with his mother because of her nasty behaviour, that's fair enough. You don't have to spend time with someone if you find their behaviour toxic, even if they are family.

Have a lovely time in Florida with your family!

HeronLanyon · 11/06/2020 20:35

Op I want to wish you a happy holiday in Florida next year whether Dh’s mum comes or not.

Littlegoth · 11/06/2020 20:35

The more I read this thread the more bonkers it seems. I love my mil, she’s amazing. If she asked to come on holiday with my side of the family though I’d wonder if she’d gone mad! So would my OH. I don’t know anyone who has taken their MIL on holidays with the other side of the family, unless they were already really good friends.
I don’t think my parents have even met my in laws more than a couple of times, or see any reason they would need to ....

OhCaptain · 11/06/2020 20:41

@DisneyBaby this thread is completely batshit but if you take nothing else from it, take this lesson:

You cannot and shouldn’t “fix” your DH’s relationship with his mother, or try to bridge the gaps. I speak from experience. No good ever comes of it.

Stop reaching out and see how long it takes either of them to do it. If they don’t, it’s on them.

You can see from this thread that far too many women (and I hope they’re older women whose opinions will die out) insist on blaming the daughter-in-law, insist that maintaining relationships and communication is wife work. And look what happens! You get called names when you’ve done nothing other than not be a cheeky fucker and invite someone else on a group holiday.

Rosebel · 11/06/2020 20:43

So those of you who think OP is mean so you invite your I laws to everything your parents plan? Why shouldn't OPs family have time with their grandchildren without the other grandparent?
MIL has been offered a holiday and she said no. So I'd have no guilt in saying she can't come to Florida. It sounds like she'd want everything on her terms.

Wolfgirrl · 11/06/2020 20:45

@rosebel

I'm sorry, did somebody say she should invite MIL to everything she plans?

Why shouldn't OPs family have time with their grandchildren without the other grandparent?

They do, that is the point. OP has said herself they see far more of her own family than her husbands.

BeingLonely · 11/06/2020 20:47

@OhCaptain your completely right.

It’s scary how many woman on here immediately blame the DIL for any issues. Perhaps if they had brought up their sons properly then they wouldn’t feel so left out.

ILoveYou3000 · 11/06/2020 20:47

They do, that is the point. OP has said herself they see far more of her own family than her husbands.

Who do you hold responsible for this @Wolfgirrl

Mary46 · 11/06/2020 20:49

Well maybe the person has to reflect on how they treat others. Daisy I agree with y you. My mam is hard work away so zero holidays. And no break for anyone.

Rosebel · 11/06/2020 20:52

Yes but MIL has also been offered a holiday where she could spend time with her grandchild without the other grandparents but that wasn't good enough.
My first point was you shouldn't invite anyone to an event someone else is organizing. It's rude.

sleepingpup · 11/06/2020 20:53

They do, that is the point. OP has said herself they see far more of her own family than her husbands.

And they initiated the holiday to Croatia together with MiL. she's not interested.

Tbh I don't think she's that bothered about spending time with her son and DGC.

Daftodil · 11/06/2020 20:57

@OhCaptain what are you talking about?! None of the other siblings’ parents-in-law are invited.

I didn't say other siblings' parents-in-law, I said in-laws via her siblings, as in the partners of OP's siblings, which would be the OP's BILs or SILs who have been welcomed into the family. OP is welcoming everyone "into the family" apart from MIL.

I don't think MIL necessarily should go on the holiday, but it is unreasonable not to see your MIL as part of your family (after 10 years) and to "fall out numerous times" over MIL saying she wants to spend more time with her son and grandchild.

OhCaptain · 11/06/2020 21:00

But you’re comparing MIL to her siblings’ husbands and wives. It’s not the same. If it was, then all her in-laws’ parents should be invited to absolutely everything always.

An nice, cozy family of 60 or so. Hmm it’s ridiculous!

Poppinjay · 11/06/2020 21:01

OP, I love that you've managed to take something positive from the batshit responses Grin

You're quite right that you need to encourage your DH to take some responsibility for making arrangements to spend time with his DM. I had a similar lighbulb moment once and it was a great relief.

You aren't mean not to invite someone who is difficult to be around to join in a group holiday you have been invited to join yourself. I think sometimes MNers just follow the crowd. Half of them would say the polar opposite on a different day where the first few posts correctly identified your MIL as a CF.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 11/06/2020 21:02

The whole thing sounds utterly ghastly. Are you sure your DH enjoys living half his life enmeshed in your family? Why don't you all grow up a bit and spread your wings?

ILoveYou3000 · 11/06/2020 21:02

*I didn't say other siblings' parents-in-law, I said in-laws via her siblings, as in the partners of OP's siblings, which would be the OP's BILs or SILs who have been welcomed into the family. OP is welcoming everyone "into the family" apart from MIL.

I don't think MIL necessarily should go on the holiday, but it is unreasonable not to see your MIL as part of your family (after 10 years) and to "fall out numerous times" over MIL saying she wants to spend more time with her son and grandchild.*

OP clearly meant the MiL isn't her family's family. As in nothing to do with her parents, siblings or their partners.

I also don't think they've fallen out over MiL wanting to spend time with her son and grandchild. They've fallen out because of the negative attitude of the MiL.

If she is so desperate to spend time with her son and grandchild why isn't she accepting the offer of Dubai or Croatia? A trip which would allow her far more quality time with than Florida with 8 other of the GC's family members.

OhCaptain · 11/06/2020 21:05

Why don't you all grow up a bit and spread your wings? 🤣🤣🤣

Yeah, grow up. No adult on here has ever holidayed with family...

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