MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

You sound like a really nasty piece of work to be honest. Also very immature.

OP is there a cultural aspect to this? My parents are Asian and class my in-laws as close relations and would expect to be included, even offended if they weren't. To them, my PILs are like a sibling relationship.

You know your MIL best. Unfortunately my parents are in the position of your MIL. I am absorbed in my PIL's family. The handful of times my parents were included in my PIL's plans... my parents' behaviour wasn't bad, but just a bit difficult, so now my PILs tactfully don't include them. My parents are so upset as they feel like they've been rejected by their siblings, even though they have only met about 4 times in 5 years.

What if it was the other way around and your mum was the single mum and your were going away with your DHs extended family? That’s my situation, and luckily my in-laws are amazing and my mum is always welcome and included, to the point where she spends time with my in-laws and talk to them regularly with out me being involved in that at all.
I really feel for your MIL, it sounds like her biggest crime is getting to emotional/upset over not being allowed to be as big apart of your life as your parents/family are

You sound like a really nasty piece of work to be honest. Also very immature.

how nasty and immature to initiate a holiday to Croatia with the MiL, OP, DH and DC.

She didn't like that though did she.

Sorry, but I think you do sound unreasonable. She is your family now. You want to spend so much time with your parents and in-laws via your siblings, it sounds like everyone apart from MIL is welcome. Can you really not see why she would want to spend time with her son and grandchild?

my parents' behaviour wasn't bad, but just a bit difficult, so now my PILs tactfully don't include them. My parents are so upset as they feel like they've been rejected by their siblings, even though they have only met about 4 times in 5 years.

What does that even mean? “Not bad, but difficult”?

And they’re not siblings, regardless of what your parents think.

It’s completely mental that people on here think OP’s family should be response for her husband’s mother!

@Daftodil
So go on the holiday to Croatia! Much more time with her son and DC then!

Poor bloody woman. When you started going with you DH he was a 'tag long' wasn't he and no one else objected

His mother wasn’t fussed when he went on these trips since she was going on holidays with her partner at the time.

Bloody hell. I don't think the MIL should go on the holiday but 'you sound mean', 'you sound awful' blah blah blah there's really no need.

What if it was the other way around and your mum was the single mum and your were going away with your DHs extended family?

Presumably OP’s mother would then be the one invited to Croatia or Dubai.

@Daftodil what are you talking about?! None of the other siblings’ parents-in-law are invited.

This thread is exhausting. I’m off to the Covid/JKR dramas.

@Daftodil she was offered a holiday with just them. Why is she so desperate to attend the Florida holiday instead of a holiday where she gets quality uninterrupted time with her son and grandchild?

She’s not family to everyone on the holiday. OP didn’t arrange this, she has been asked along. Do you invite your in-laws to everything you attend?

Sorry, but I think you do sound unreasonable. She is your family now. You want to spend so much time with your parents and in-laws via your siblings, it sounds like everyone apart from MIL is welcome. Can you really not see why she would want to spend time with her son and grandchild?

Should her BIL and his gf be invited as well? Also if MIL wants to spend time with her son and grandchild then she would accept the option of going on the trip with just them than trying to force her way into this Disney trio where she wouldn’t get much time with her son and grandchild if she went.

The MIL is not a part of that group - it would be weird. She already has a chip on her shoulder about the closeness of the family in question and that does not make for a harmonious holiday. She's an adult who has refused the opportunity to go on holiday with the couple but for some reason wants to be involved in a well established group of whom she is jealous. Nightmare recipe.

This thread is hilarious.
OP you sound lovely. Ignore the bollocks in this thread. You do not have to invite MIL on your parents holiday.
Go have a great time. It is up to MIL to sort her holidays, not your parents. That may or may not include a separate one with you and your BIL.znd frankly I would think you were a bloody saint if you did go with her. It sounds like days out are bad enough.
For the rest of you, wtf is it up to the OP to sort her DHs relationship with his mum. It is bad enough that men go on about womens/wife work but wtf are you women doing it too. Thd MILis reaping what she sowed. It is not up to OP to fix that. Although she has offered.

First off - I think you are perfectly reasonable to say MIL isn't invited to the holiday organised by your parents and suggesting a his side of the family holiday is a perfectly good compromise HOWEVER what that replacement holiday would vary depending on why she wanted to go to Florida with you

1. • she's always wanted to go to Florida and sees this as her only chance - If I could afford it I'd suggest we do an additional trip to Florida on a different year - so not join your family but still have a Florida trip

2. she wants the big family experience - invite brother and partner and go wherever, such as the suggested Croatia

3. she wants to experience Disney with her grandchild - could you book a trip to DisneylandParis

I think it's too hard for an outsider to decide if yabu or not. Only you and your dh know the dynamics. Your family also get a say as it's their holiday too.

I have taken my FIL on holiday my my dh, dc and my big family before and it has been great but we knew that everyone was fairly laid back and there wouldn't be issues, plus we had separate accommodation (in same complex).

I think the fact you've offered to go away separately is good enough. It is really sad that the dynamics between you , your dh and mil aren't better but that's life. You don't want to ruin everyone's holiday (which probably costs a lot!). I would personally feel terrible if my family had spent a lot of money on a holiday and I'd taken someone- in law/ friend/ whoever knowing that it could be awkward/ troublesome for everyone.

Is this the first holiday you're having with your baby? If so could you go away first with mil- perhaps she feels others are getting to be there when baby has first holiday.

Also very immature.

May I ask, why immature?

I really feel for your MIL, it sounds like her biggest crime is getting to emotional/upset over not being allowed to be as big apart of your life as your parents/family are

Did you miss where OP has attempted to arrange holidays with MiL and BiL? Or where OP has suggested they have a holiday in Croatia or Dubai.

Sorry, but I think you do sound unreasonable. She is your family now. You want to spend so much time with your parents and in-laws via your siblings, it sounds like everyone apart from MIL is welcome. Can you really not see why she would want to spend time with her son and grandchild?

What about BiL, his gf and FiL? And MiL may be OP's family but she isn't OP's parents and siblings family.

She's been given the option to spend time with her son and grandchild and has rejected it.

In laws are NOT 'your family'. Some earn that place over time and some don't.

@Squirrelblanket

In laws are NOT 'your family'. Some earn that place over time and some don't.

MIL is as much the OPs family as her parents are her husband's family.

Yeah but she’s not family to the people who’s holiday it is.

@ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords
And?

MIL is as much the OPs family as her parents are her husband's family.

Thing is that OP has a good relationship with her family. As does her husband. Her husband doesn't seem to have quite such a positive relationship with his family.

MIL is as much the OPs family as her parents are her husband's family

Then MIL can arrange and invite accordingly