MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

Why is there no voting allowed on an AIBU board?

It would be interesting to see the result without ploughing through 25 pages of repetitive posts.

FWIW, my opinion is MIL is a CF.

Aw, I feel sorry for her too. My family always makes sure that my BIL's mum is invited on group holidays. She is also single and doesn't have many other people to do things with, or the money to do things alone which is often a more expensive way of travelling.

We all individually make an effort with her to ensure she's included even though she's quite quiet and hard to engage with.

Especially amongst a large family where there are plenty of you to spend time with her and make her feel as welcome as possible - it's just a nice thing to do and no real hardship for any of you. In my family it would be expected, it's just manners and trying to be a nice person and we would all be embarrassed if one of us couldn't manage that I think. (Unless we're talking about a really evil person here?!!)

Perhaps she's not as 'fun' & easy going as you lot because she's had it bloody tough for a lot of years? I'm not sure I'd know how to behave as expected simply because I'm not used to that dynamic & would be overwhelmed at first. I'd enjoy getting used to it though & would appreciate the chance. For goodness sake, give that woman a chance. She deserves it!

How do you know how long or how tough it was for the MiL? Holidays in Jamaica with a partner don't sound too bad to me. Not denying being a single parent is difficult, but we also have no idea how involved OP's FiL was with his son(s) after they separated.

How do you know she hasn't been given a chance already? Or that she deserves one? You don't.

Regardless of what she deserves because she was a single parent to OP's DH for four years, she still doesn't have the right to demand that she's invited on the holiday her son's in-laws arrange for their children, partners and grandchildren.

@AlviesMam

I feel sorry for your MIL. I would definitely invite my MIL if she was alone and single. my family would probably invite her first anyway and make her feel welcome, it would also be nice for her to see her grandchild having fun. I think it's selfish of you especially when's she's asked if she could come along.

But she's not alone. OP has said that MIL has gone on holidays with friends and previous partners. MIL also has another son and DIL so it's not like OP's DH is all she has in the world. She has other people.

She's also been offered holidays with OP and DH in either Croatia or Dubai, but no. She wants to gatecrash a holiday of a family she barely knows in Florida.
And MIL has been in Florida before, so it's not like it's a place she's never going to get the chance to go to.

I bet that even if DIL says "Ok MIL, we can bring you to Florida next year ourselves MIL will still want this particular holiday with this particular family at this particular time.

In the interests of fairness then, OP should badger her parents and the 8 other adults who have saved for four years for their holiday to allow her to invite her husband's mother and his father. Wouldn't want MIL to feel that her husband's side of the family is being left out of her DIL's parents holiday. Why don't you suggest that, OP, that MIL's ex husband (and potentially his new wife too) are also invited along. It's only fair that they are all treated equally after all. See if she wants to invite her ex-MIL too.

@Purpletigers

You sound really mean . You have effectively taken your husband away from his only blood relation .

Apart from his baby with the OP, he’s a blood relation too?

YANBU

• it's only once every 4 years, it's not an annual let alone a frequent holiday
• it could alter/spoil the holiday for everyone else, for the positive of just making the one person (your MIL) happy. I would hate my sibling's MIL to come on our rare family hols. We wouldn't be able to fully relax, we would have to avoid in-jokes and references to past family memories as it would be rude etc etc what a bore, I would be well annoyed.
• it is utterly peculiar that she would insist on wanting to come on this holiday when you are inviting her on a different hol if she would like.

I would just say a firm no, but set a date for a different hol in the medium term and in the short term show her some love by a couple of days out together.

I'd happily let mil come along, baby sitter for a night while you two can have a romantic meal in the evening together

And what do the other 8 adults do? And how fair would it be to MiL then if the other 10 adults on the holiday toddle off to dinner leaving her to mind the baby?

I haven't say, if it was me I would invite her. My mil and mother are both single and I would never leave one out. As a mother of all boys, I fear this will be me in 20 years :(

Why don't you be kind? If you're such a large, wonderful, gregarious family, what difference would one other person make? You said yourself you've made other outsiders welcome.

Maybe this is the opportunity to build a new relationship with her. Your DH could have a gentle conversation with her to let her know she's a bit tactless at times so she'll need to be on her best behaviour.At least you'll have given her a chance to make amends. Please be kind and have a great holiday.

do however, think it's really spiteful to start a thread, complaining about a MIL who to me, just wants to be involved more.

If that were the case she would have jumped at the offer of Dubai or Croatia. A holiday with just the four of them and plenty of time for involvement without having to share that time with the other grandparents and OP's siblings.

@Ohtherewearethen

In the interests of fairness then, OP should badger her parents and the 8 other adults who have saved for four years for their holiday to allow her to invite her husband's mother and his father. Wouldn't want MIL to feel that her husband's side of the family is being left out of her DIL's parents holiday. Why don't you suggest that, OP, that MIL's ex husband (and potentially his new wife too) are also invited along. It's only fair that they are all treated equally after all. See if she wants to invite her ex-MIL too.

😂😂😂 from the sounds of it some people must actually do this! My in laws are split up and remarried and the only time they have all been together with my parents and my siblings in laws would be at a wedding etc!

"As a mother of all boys, I fear this will be me in 20 years"

What-not invited on holiday once every 4yrs with their partners family?

Why would that bother you?

If you have a good relationship with your sons you'll be Ok!

Your “family holiday” isn’t really a family holiday though, is it? All those hangers on-sons-in laws and daudgtrr-in-laws. I feel sorry for your poor mother-in-law. It’s all about your crowd, isn’t it? A “family holiday” is you, your partner and child/children when you’re married, in my opinion. I feel really sorry for your mother-in-law and your husband.

• feel sorry for your MIL. I would definitely invite my MIL if she was alone and single. my family would probably invite her first anyway and make her feel welcome, it would also be nice for her to see her grandchild having fun. I think it's selfish of you especially when's she's asked if she could come along.*

She asked the wrong person. OP’s parents have planned this and OP’s parents are the people she should be asking not trying to guilt trip her dil, especially since her son and dil offered to take her somewhere else where they can all spend time together.

My mother would never presume to seek to impose herself on my in-laws. My mother in law would never presume to seek to impose herself on my family.

My family is not responsible for the social life of my in-laws family members. Nor are my in-laws responsible for the social life of my family members.

The families didn't get irrevocably wed to each other, with responsibilities to each other. The families are still separate.

Poor bloody woman. When you started going with you DH he was a 'tag long' wasn't he and no one else objected. Maybe one of your other family members doesn't really get on with him but they have accepted him. No doubt advice from your mum would be loving and caring but hers -pushy and judgemental. She raised him as a single parent and he pushes her out for your family -nice one -not!

The MIL wants to go to disney, I've said it before, it's not the kind of place she can go alone is it? There's nothing wrong with wanting to go there. Hell I want to go there.

Why doesn't DH and the OP do a smaller trip to Disney with the OP, or maybe the Paris one as suggested by a PP. I honestly don't see what harm it could do if 1 extra person got to go along with the group, but as that's never going to happen, they could go as their own group.

Your “family holiday” isn’t really a family holiday though, is it? All those hangers on-sons-in laws and daudgtrr-in-laws. I feel sorry for your poor mother-in-law. It’s all about your crowd, isn’t it? A “family holiday” is you, your partner and child/children when you’re married, in my opinion. I feel really sorry for your mother-in-law and your husband

🤨 eh? Of course it's a family holiday. It's the OP's parents family holiday. By your own definition: Husband, wife, 4 adult children, children's partners and now grandchild. Hardly hangers-on.

Also why do you feel sorry for the OP's husband? He's an adult, if he wasn't happy with the holiday he could choose not to go. He's, I'm sure, quite capable of facilitating his own relationship and arranging holidays with his own mother. Or is that wife-work?🤔

People saying oh what difference would one more person make are being utterly ridiculous. How many of you would be happy at the prospect of having a stranger crash your family holiday? Seriously. How many of you would delight in your family holiday being completely changed because a near stranger stamped their foot and demanded to come? It's not a case of her just tagging along and being invisible the whole time, of course her presence there is going to alter the atmosphere of the whole thing. OP and her husband will have to be constantly checking she's ok and not on her own as she is the only one who doesn't know everybody else. The awkwardness when it comes to paying for meals, etc. People feeling they can't fully relax or let go on their own fucking holiday because they've been forced to share it with a stranger. It will affect everybody's hard-earned holiday and that is neither fair nor kind to everyone else.

Your “family holiday” isn’t really a family holiday though, is it? All those hangers on-sons-in laws and daudgtrr-in-laws. I feel sorry for your poor mother-in-law. It’s all about your crowd, isn’t it? A “family holiday” is you, your partner and child/children when you’re married, in my opinion. I feel really sorry for your mother-in-law and your husband.

This is getting more and more ridiculous.😂😂😂😂

All those "hangers on " are the ACTUAL children and partners of the people who organised the actual bloody holiday.
OPs PARENTS!

OPs husband is fine with it. And MiL doesn't WANT to go on a family holiday with her son, op and dc.

Incidentally, villas been booked and paid for. Where is MIL going to sleep? I imagine that like most family holidays, accommodation was booked to maximum capacity!

Poor bloody woman. When you started going with you DH he was a 'tag long' wasn't he and no one else objected

What a ridiculous comparison. Clutching and straws come to mind.

@ballyboy

I haven't say, if it was me I would invite her. My mil and mother are both single and I would never leave one out. As a mother of all boys, I fear this will be me in 20 years :(

You never see threads where women are saying they've been welcomed into their husband's big, friendly fun-loving family and the woman's mother/parents are the annoying/boring/interfering ones do you?

@mbosnz I was just about to say about the villa. People saying 'one more person won't hurt' yes it will if the villa only sleep 10 (baby presumably in travel cot so not in bed count), then they'd have to book somewhere new which could mean quite a bump in price or not being in the area they want to be.