MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

OP sounds like an absolute bitch from her original post. Her MIL raised her DH as a single mum, apparently did a great job, and now she's been shut out in favour of your family.

Haven't read the full thread but YABU. It's cruel to push her out like this. Why can't she come along and be part of the fun? She clearly wants to be a part of your family, she sounds a bit lonely too. Invite her and tell her to bring a friend!

@Cornishclio
Nah, not that ironic. I made it clear that it was for a very good reason. This doesn't sound like that. It sounds like somebody who expects to spend time with their partner and family whilst excluding his. She clearly does not like this woman.

I think perhaps you ought to read the full thread.

I think op said mil and dil separates 4 years before she married dh.
Actually I also have to confess that after my own Parents divorced probably around the same age my ma found it really tough being on her own. She didn’t turn into a pita but us kids do feel there were a few years we didn’t do enough to support her. We then grew up and did. So I think my sadness for her is quite personal and maybe misplaced !!!

I've now read the rest, and my opinion hasn't changed.

You're picking 'fun' and 'drinking' with your family over love, inclusion and fairness when it comes to including his mum when it wouldn't kill to you include her on the 'big events' in your lives.

You sound awful.

YANBU I can't believe some of the responses on this thread.

This is a holiday with your family. Do all the other in-laws come along? Of course not.

It's not fair on everyone else if you invite an extra person that they don't really know (or like).

@Iloveyou3000 I accept that was a poor attempt at humour. I have been watching Coronavirus threads for so long I'm afraid I'm perilously close to enjoying a change of topic. Apologies.

As it is I don't think MIL should be squeezing her way in to a family trip to Disney. The ball can be put in MIL's court if she want to suggest an alternative trip.

When is this next trip supposed to occur? I'm assuming next year as this summer is going to be a washout with all the restrictions.

Could it be that her wanting to go is because it's her grandchild's first trip to Disney rather than her just wanting to 'horn in' on your family's trip? As a Disneyphile, I can see a grandmother wanting to experience that. At any rate, perhaps suggest a trip to DL Paris so she can see her DGC experience Disney without going all the way to Florida if you can't afford two separate trips.

My MiL was a dream but even so I think I'd probably have felt that inviting her on a large 'family tradition' trip probably wouldn't have been fair to the greater family. There may be others who would like to invite their iL family members, such as nieces, nephews, siblings, etc. And I'm sure there are other 'disappointed' iL family members who know about this trip and would love to come.

It would be 'interesting' to get the MiL's perspective on not only this trip, but how she feels she is treated vis a vis time spent with each side of the family.

You sound horrible to be honest. It’s all you, you and you isn’t it?!! If I was your husband, I wouldn’t be happy with this situation at all.

@twilightermummy

The thing about good reasons are that they are subjective. I actually think the OP has a good reason for not inviting her MIL on a holiday organised by the OPs parents. The MIL invited herself for one thing and that is one thing I would never do which is impose myself on either of my daughters family holidays whether on their own or with in laws. It makes it awkward and difficult for them and it is not totally up to them as there are 10 other adults going. MIL does not get on with her other son and his GF and OPs own husband finds her difficult. I don't know if you have ever been on holiday with someone who is awkward but I have and it is a pain in the neck and I now only go with people I know are easy going and don't have fixed ideas on how holidays should go. Florida is expensive so I can quite understand why it is not an easy ask to bring someone they cannot spend a day with without dramas on a two week holiday.

If you were going alone I would understand it but you are going with your parents so why cant she come along? it seems a bit mean spirited and nasty to exclude her yet everyone else is going.

I wonder how you would feel if your baby does this when they are a grown adult?

If I was your husband, I wouldn’t be happy with this situation at all.

The thing is, it sounds like the husband is quite happy with the situation, finding his mother to be fairly hard work himself.

it?!! If I was your husband, I wouldn’t be happy with this situation at all.

Have actually read what's going on?

He has a difficult relationship with his mother. He probably doesn't want to come either.

I'm with you OP.

It's not your holiday - it's your parents holiday and they get to decide who should go. They've chosen not to include your MIL so that's that really.

She's been to Florida several times before so it's not like it's a trip of a lifetime for her. She's also had holidays with partners and friends so it's not like she's not got anyone but you to holiday with.
She's got form for doing outings and being nice to your face and then texting a tirade to your DH of all the wrongs done to her on said outing. Would I fuck bring someone like that on holiday with me!

And those people who tell you that they would bring their MIL - bollocks. On a family holiday with just you and the grandkids maybe, but not a family reunion type one where there could be the parents, 4 siblings, 4 spouses, grandkids AND each of those 4 spouses bring their parents who will then want to include their other kids, kids spouses and their grandkids...

We holiday alone and it's bliss. We tried the family holiday once and tbh it was a disaster. We got side-eyes and snide remarks when we wanted to go to the beach or book boat trips or do anything other than lie by the pool and eat in the one same restaurant for two whole weeks. My pensioner mother with a chronic bad back was ousted by a family friend of my aunts onto a shitty foam sofa bed cushion on the floor because Aunt's friend wanted the bed to shag randomers in. A bed that my mother paid for and Aunt's gatecrashed supposedly to crash on the sofa. I was in another part of the complex so never actually saw DM's room and DM hid it from me until almost the end of the holiday because she knew I would go nuclear. In a big group like that there's always one awkward cunt but the saving grace of it being just family is that you KNOW which one is going to be the awkward cunt and you can call them out on it as you would a sibling.

It wouldn't kill you to include her

I really don't think your family can be as warm and welcoming as you say if when a big group is going on holiday you can't invite your own DH's mom who doesn't have the blessing of a big family.

I struggle with my MIL at times but I would never leave her out of a big family event. You will be surrounded by so many people you love, is one extra person really going to ruin everything?

Why not give it go and see what happens? If it truly becomes a nightmare, then OK, maybe not again but how can you know before you try it?

Why can't you talk to all your family and say "I know we have had our moments with MIL but can we please make an effort to make her feel welcome for DH and our children's sake?"

My DH is American and I am sure I'm not my in-laws cup of tea all the time but they have been very welcoming and always invite me to everything.I encourage him to go without me if I can't make it.

Whilst OPs relationship with her MIL sounds tenuous, it's completely irrelevant to the main point of the post. The OPs parents are the hosts of the holiday (regardless of who is paying), they (and the rest of the family) get to decide who is/isn't invited. The fact their daughter married MIL's son does NOT automatically make MIL a member of their family (hence the in-law portion). It's not OPs right to invite her and MIL has no right to invite herself. If I was one of OPs siblings, I would probably be pretty pissed off if someone I barely knew/didn't know at all was brought into a family holiday costing me thousands without everyone in agreement.

"My DH is American and I am sure I'm not my in-laws cup of tea all the time but they have been very welcoming and always invite me to everything."

You're their Dil-of course they invite you!

Do they also invite your mum?

seems a bit mean spirited and nasty to exclude her yet everyone else is going.

OMG! Do you know who this 'everyone else' is?

On a holiday organised by OPs parents 'everyone else' is their DCs and their DiLs and SiLs . People only vaguely connected to OP's MiLaw.

That is not everyone else it is frankly OP's own family.

You're picking 'fun' and 'drinking' with your family over love, inclusion and fairness when it comes to including his mum when it wouldn't kill to you include her on the 'big events' in your lives.

Yes OP how dare you want to enjoy your holiday and have some downtime with people you actually get along with?!

They've attempted to offer his mum a holiday, just the four of them, and also attempted to arrange one with her other son.

It isn't only OP and her DH whose holiday will be impacted, why do those other 8 people not matter? Why is it okay for their holiday to be awkward and uncomfortable?

YANBU. Ignore those saying that you are. Your MIL sounds like she would disrupt a once every 4 year family trip. An expensive one at that. You've offered her alternatives, which you didn't need to do. And she's petty with a new mum. She's burning her bridges, tbh.

Op hasn't excluded her though-she hasn't issued any invitations!

"You're picking 'fun' and 'drinking' with your family over love, inclusion and fairness when it comes to including his mum when it wouldn't kill to you include her on the 'big events' in your lives."

And the woman's own son isn't?

Have you shown your DH what you've actually written? You appear to winge to everyone else. How disrespectful can you be? Please show your MIL what you've written so she knows how you truly feel. I'd take a guess that she wants to go on a holiday and be with her son and grandchild, and is thinking, "Oh, but I'll have to endure you".