MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

In a situation like this I think it best to think of the kindest solution and do that. Would it really destroy the holiday if she came along? It could make her year.

Would it really make MIL happy to actually be there though?

She would be sharing that time with her son and grandchild with the other grandparents and family members vs having time just with her son, dil, and grandchild?

Why would you choose to go on a holiday with people you barely know and have to share your grandchild with the other grandparents and family members when you’re son and dil are offering to go on a holiday with just you and their child?

Also, if she does go and does ruin the holiday for everyone or has a horrible time, is that going to be on OP?

Is it going to be on OP to make sure MIL feels included when she wants to spend time with her own family or will it be on MIL’s son? Since MIL barely knows anyone else, who is she likely going to keep close to? Her son. Plus, her son might not want her there either and prefer just a trip with her and his wife and child.

As it has been repeated several times, OP’s parents are planning it so it’s not OP’s decision. How hard is that to understand?

@whiteblue

Your poor MIL. She must feel so unloved and dismissed by you and your big family. Has no one ever thought to include her, ever? That's horrible and akin to bullying. Be kind, it's important.

It's bugger all to do with bullying. And if MIL is lonely, the fact the OP has said she's difficult to everyone and has also fallen out with her own wider family might have something to do with it.

When I read posts like this, I often despair. I have always had a good relationship with my mothers-in-law from 2 relationships, and having brought up a largish family, I am a mother-in-law to several. I never interfere, or have ‘expectations’ of inclusion, but get lots of invitations anyway.
If you have children, then you will most likely be a mother-in-law one day.

Treat others the way you would wish to be treated yourself.

@whiteblue

Your poor MIL. She must feel so unloved and dismissed by you and your big family. Has no one ever thought to include her, ever? That's horrible and akin to bullying. Be kind, it's important.

OP is trying to include her on a different holiday!

It’s just not the one she wants.

It’s not OPs parents job to ensure that mil has a florida holiday!

Let’s hope one day you get a DIL like you!

Honestly your poor MIL. I bet your DH goes to your mum’s house on Mother’s Days too.

You sound spoilt and spiteful.

Let’s hope one day you get a DIL like you!

Yes, let’s hope you get a DIL that puts up with your erratic behaviour, complaining, manipulation, lack of boundaries, who still spends time with you, and who offers to holiday with you.

You can’t ask for more, really, can you?

I'm trying not to shoot my MIL down too much and be as fair as possible with my posts to get a fair response from everyone.

I'm also new to Mumsnet and this is my first post.

On one hand, I do feel for her because I know we don't see her too much compared to my own family - we often go for weekends away, UK breaks and days out with my family and spend a lot less time with her. (It's not like she's indoors on her own, she often does social things including holidays with friends).

But on the other hand. When we have invited her or done things with her, she has caused conflict or rubbed people up the wrong way. She often says things without thinking that come across really rude, for example most recently she told me I shouldn't lay my baby on our sofa because "it's filthy and harbouring germs". I personally wouldn't dream of saying that to someone, especially a new Mum, it's just rude. When my husband called her up on it, she said she is just 'caring and concerned' about our daughter.

Naturally being from a big family with 10 adults, there are more birthdays and plans made with my family, I don't want to feel like I have to say no and withdraw from my family unit because I'm upsetting her.
We have tried to make holiday plans with her and my BIL and his gf before but they're not overly keen because they have a similar relationship with her where they do more things with her family and have fallen out with her numerous times too.

If I am in the wrong, I would invite her on the holiday. But as other posters have mentioned, it's not just my husband and I going on this holiday, it's 8 other people too, and they don't really know her or like her.

It's interesting to see how some people view getting married as a merge of the two family's, and others don't.

Yeah, I wouldn't invite her. You don't want to set a precedent if your family don't like her, it's not fair on them.

If I am in the wrong, I would invite her on the holiday. But as other posters have mentioned, it's not just my husband and I going on this holiday, it's 8 other people too, and they don't really know her or like her

Another tiresome thread where 99% of posts say OP is being unreasonable, yet OP clings to the 1% that agree with them 🙄

Saying a sofa is filthy isnt polite but it is hardly crime of the century is it?

I get the feeling you would jump on anything she said in order to justify spending so much time with your own family and none with her.

If I was spending thousands on a holiday with my family, and my sister randomly decided to invite her difficult mother-in-law she’d be given short shrift.

And rightly so.

It’s your family holiday. Simple as that. Not yours to be inviting whomever you choose.

YANBU. This is a holiday organised by your family for your family. You imply it would change the dynamics of the holiday and i understand that based on that alone, you wouldn't want her to come. You suggested a separate holiday but she refused. You tried to compromise, kudos.
On the other hand, maybe she's trying her best to be included in the big happy family. Could you possibly try and have a big get together including your family and her, see if it's awkward or difficult? That could help you make a decision? You might all get along great and it will change your mind or it might just prove that it isn't a good idea at all?

Aw I feel really sad for her. If you were my DIL I'd really dislike you.

And this kind of attitude likely explains why so many DiLs and MiLs are at loggerheads.

If I were OP's MiL I'd be grateful to her and my son for wanting to plan a lovely holiday to Dubai or Croatia, complete with grandchild, and invite me along. I'd try to embrace positive relationships on their own merit, not having had a shared family history with DiL's family therefore recognising that the connection will invariably be different, and that different doesn't necessarily equal 'bad'. I'd not spend a lovely day with them and then pick them apart for every perceived slight.

It's these constant comparisons between time spent with one side and the other side, and the misconception that this has to be exactly equally shared or 'it's not fair' (as though they're toddlers) that's at the root of most of these problems. You see it from the other side too - DiLs complaining that their DH's mum spends more time with her daughter's children, without recognising that the family dynamic is different. But it IS different. It's not a slight on the other side of the family, it's simply the way things are.

The accusations that OP is being unkind to MiL seem without merit. She sounds excessively kind, particularly considering that she doesn't particularly like her. I'd no more invite my MiL - who also takes on a 'different is bad' approach especially in relation to me - on my family holiday than I'd immerse my feet in a vat of boiling oil. I make no apology for it, either.

Ok so let's say OP and her husband arrange a holiday with MIL, BIL and his partner and then OP's mum started stamping her foot, you'd all advise the same then, that of course OP should invite her mother too?

If you don't think that you'd all get on well enough then I think that that's fair enough.

Plus, siblings ILs aren't invited, are they?

If you spend so much time with your family that you don't have time for her then I think that that is a different matter, but also for your husband to say that actually he thinks that you should do something with his mum rather than your family.

The MIL may have simply suggested or hinted at it would be nice to join the big holiday this time around, given the new GC. Also a grown woman can't exactly go to disney on her own so I can see why she wants to join you all. OP comes on here saying MIL is demanding to go with, and given MIL are the devil incarnate according to MN, it was never going to go well.

Sometimes the DIL can be an unpleasant piece of work too. It's clear how the OP feels about her MIL. It's shocking MIL is described as jealous because OP and her DH don't bother with her as much as her parents. I wonder how many of you will be on MN in years to come, bitching about your DIL and how they are treating you.

Another tiresome thread where 99% of posts say OP is being unreasonable, yet OP clings to the 1% that agree with them 🙄

Not even close to this split.

OP, has your MIL ever been interested in spending time with your parents and siblings before this?

I would rather spend 14 days pulling out my own teeth with pliers than spend that time forcing my company on people who clearly didn't want me there with them. What is she thinking of? Either way OP looks like you've got a family row ahead of you so leave her behind. Fewer people involved. Good luck.

Another tiresome thread where 99% of posts say OP is being unreasonable, yet OP clings to the 1% that agree with them 🙄

99% . in your dreams. 🙄

Your parents host this trip, even if most of you do pay your way. And the eight other people deserve a say. No-one in that situation should unilaterally invite someone else.

My late FIL was exceptionally hospitable. A really lovely generous man. But he used to do this on us. Anything from a day out to a holiday abroad, he'd just randomly invite someone to join us without any consultation whatsoever. Once it was a next door neighbour, once a distant relative with such serious mental health issues that we had to come home from our holiday early. It was a nightmare.

I knew it would be centre Parcs almost full house first thread.

Look I don't care whether you have a good or bad relationship with your MIL or not. It's really up to the two of you as adults and parents to meet in the middle where you can.

I would say however if you want a happier life let any comments about sofas not being clean go over your head, include her more often (she sounds awkward but not horrible) and recognise that you are all in it for the long haul. Think about how you'd want your mum to be treated if she was alone (and don't let your family dominate Christmas).

My Sad is widowed and can be needy (or truculent!)- my husband is brilliantly patient with him and I love him all the more for it.

Dad not sad!

@twilightermummy

The irony of someone who is NC with her own MIL calling shame on the OP for not including her MIL on a holiday being organised by someone else.

Sometimes the DIL can be an unpleasant piece of work too. It's clear how the OP feels about her MIL. It's shocking MIL is described as jealous because OP and her DH don't bother with her as much as her parents. I wonder how many of you will be on MN in years to come, bitching about your DIL and how they are treating you.

Have you actually read all of OP’s comments? Obviously not or you would have read this:

We have tried to make holiday plans with her and my BIL and his gf before but they're not overly keen because they have a similar relationship with her where they do more things with her family and have fallen out with her numerous times too.

If she didn’t care, then she wouldn’t have made up an effort at all.

If I ever become a MIL (have two sons), I sure as hell wouldn’t invite myself to someone’s holiday.

It's incredibly rude to expect that she can just invite herself to OP's family's holiday. Op has offered her a different holiday, and she has said no. I would not invite her. Especially since she doesn't sound like a very pleasant person. Not only that, it's not the OP's place to invite her.