MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

seems the majority disagree with you.

Nope. Don't think that's true.

I'm really starting to feel there's two threads going on here where op has done some incredible heinous deed with all the you are a mean girl/immature/petty/smug crap being thrown at the OP. Those writing that were you the mean bullies at school?!

Op just ignore the posters who clearly have intentions to make their dils life a misery by insisting they attend all family holidays and inserting themselves into their children’s future nuclear family at every inappropriate opportunity.

@Keeva2017 can you point out one single post where anyone has said or even implied that they intend to do this? You've just totally made that up.

Would it really destroy the holiday if she came along?

We do not know the woman and so simply cannot judge.

My PILs invited my mum to their golden wedding party. That was nice of them to include her.....but they were under no obligation to do so and wouldn’t be excluding her had they not chosen to include her. They didn’t ask my SIL’s mother and father.

If the OP is obliged to ask her MIL on her side’s family holiday, what about her siblings’ PILs? Depending on how many of them there are, it could turn into a coach party.....!

It is not OPs holiday to invite her MIL on, and she has to consider the impact this has on all members of the group.

Shoe on the other foot, if my sister invited her mother in law on a big family holiday I would be raging because she is an absolute ball ache. Fine in small doses, Xmas, birthdays etc made to feel part of the family, but 2 weeks contained space. No thanks!

Also can’t believe the amount of posters who have issues with other family members but don’t talk to anyone about it - pull the other one. I love my MIL to death, but have on occasion moaned to my mum or sis about her because she has done something I don’t particularly agree with (generally related to my kids) because that’s life!

Honestly don’t get the mentality on here sometimes.

I wouldn’t invite her, especially if she has chosen to decline a holiday with you and her son (her actual family).

Have you thought that your mil might want to enjoy disney with the grandchildren. Instead of Croatia!

From the sound of it OP's child is still very young. If it's about seeing the little one enjoy Disney MiL would be better suggesting they go in a few years before OP's next trip with her family.

I'm honestly baffled by some people on this thread and what they think is acceptable.

Ah yes. The drip feed ...

Oh give over . The OP was asked questions so she answered.

Never get this snooty "drip feed" criticism thing. So what it's more info.

You'd probably be criticising that she'd posted and run otherwise.🙄

I can't believe she had the nerve to ask. Cheeky cow!

I mean, how DARE MIL complain that you've pushed her out of her son's 'family' and life?

She hasn’t though has she she’s said they can go on a separate one.

Looks like someone’s got a big spud on their shoulder!

If I were the Ops parents, who go once in 4 years on a holiday that let's be honest costs big bucks, I would be furious if I had to include a woman who I don't particularly like. It's not a cheap weekend away where everyone can jog along for a couple of days .

OP I can't believe some of the replies you have had, sending you a hug xx

We had a big family reunion, it was the first time we'd all been together in 20 years.

It involved significant trouble and expense on many of our parts.

Some of us were less than impressed that one family member had invited their friends that had no ties to our family, and that none of the rest of us knew, to come and be a part of all of it.

It really did change the dynamic and feeling.

I really think people aren't understanding that it is not a holiday the OP is organising its her parents that are organising the holiday! I'm sure if they invited one set of in laws they would then feel obliged to invite the in laws of the siblings as well which seems crazy! My parents get along with my in laws but still only see them once or twice a year at birthdays or Christmas and wouldn't invite them on a family holiday 🤷🏻‍♀️

The OP has offered to organise a separate holiday to the ones her parents are organising.

I think the problem is the MIL seems to feel entitled here. Relationships don't work like that. She can ask to spend time with you but ultimately, it's up to you. I don't think she can expect to be invited to your family holiday - her son obviously is married to you and would do things with your family but that doesn't extend to her imo. If you had a great relationship with her, you might want to invite her. But if your side of the family are arranging a holiday and your husband is going by virtue of being your husband, I don't see why his mother feels automatically that she should go too...

If she wasn't so awkward she might have some friends she could go away with

We don't know if MIL has friends or not, but that's why I asked what she does to build a social life on her own behalf

There are a lot of assumptions on here about her being a sweet but lonely lady, but the first bit might not necessarily be the case - especially as OP said she's already alienated several family members

And sometimes people end up lonely for a reason ...

Oh btw on my post, I never implied that I think you should take MiL with your family Btw I don't think you're being unreasonable with that!

Yes things get presumed.. Florida pricey. Everyone has to be happy. Its everybody's break

My husband has a volatile relationship with his Mum. She's very up and down, one minute she is genuinely lovely and the next she'll bombard him with essay texts about various different things, and has got quite nasty in her messages in the past. Quite often we will spend the day with her and thought we'd had a lovely day and then as soon as we get home they'll be a long text complaining about something or another, which has resulted in us spending less time with her because we never know if we're coming or going and it just feels like 'hard work' all the time.

My husband is literally the most laid back person in the world, so tends to just ignore her messages and puts up with his Mum doing this, whereas it drives me silently mad how she is so inconsistent with the way she is with us.

She is also exactly the same with my husbands brother and his gf so it's not just us, and also recently fell out with her sister, so it's definitely not just us that find her difficult.

So this MIL is difficult with others, too, and it's not just OP.

OP's parents are the hosts, and have decided they want to stick with their DC, DGC and DC's partners.

Which is fine. Because if MIL comes along, then to be fair, they'd have to invite the PIL of their other DC. Which will change the dynamic massively and likely lead to real tensions and maybe even rows because they don't know each other well, or at all.

MIL is not losing out. She has been offered a holiday with her son, DIL and DGC. Location not yet confirmed, but Dubai and Croatia are under consideration. However, she's adamant she doesn't want to go anywhere but on the PILs holday to Florida.

Sorry, I'm with OP here.

@StormzyInaDCup

It's a shame there's no vote on here *@DisneyBaby*. It seems the majority disagree with you.

Have you thought that your mil might want to enjoy disney with the grandchildren. Instead of Croatia!

Well then it sounds like mother-in-law is more than welcome to organise her own trip to Florida to Disney World.

Maybe she could up the game and organise a trip to Disneyland in California.

Perhaps the first trip to Disneyland Paris/ Shanghai/Beijing/ Tokyo?

So many options if all she wants is Disney. But she doesn’t need to go on vacation with her sons in-laws.

Your poor MIL. She must feel so unloved and dismissed by you and your big family. Has no one ever thought to include her, ever? That's horrible and akin to bullying.
Be kind, it's important.

@Megatron a bit yes just can’t believe how many posters think op is out of order for not asking her family to invite her mil. Just seems so extreme? I think my mil would raise an eyebrow if I invited my mum to her family holidays. Yes mil might like to go to Florida but id quite like to go on the fancy cruises my sister goes on but I don’t think that entitles me to demand an invite because I’m lonely.

I will admit I was being a tad facetious I’m response to posters making really nasty comments about op. In 2020 is it really still the woman’s job to maintain wider family relations on behalf of the men folk. If mil feels left out as op states she does, surely that’s down to her sons lack of effort, not her dil?

Im with OP too. If MiL is that bothered she can organise a holiday and take all the burden that it involves getting it sorted. Not tag along on another family's organisation

I've not read all of the posts on here but I think that you sound immature and horrible (and that comes from somebody who has gone NC with my MIL - and rightly so).
Honestly, I'd work on your behaviour towards this woman because your husband may become very resentful as the years go on and when she eventually passes away. One more person joining a big group going on holiday wouldn't hurt particularly, if it brought so much joy. Shame on you.

@DisneyBaby this doesn’t help you but I’ve had a giggle at the blistering, triggered, hyperbolic posts to you on here!

As usual posters are so busy climbing on the bandwagon that they’ve forgotten basic comprehension skills.

It seems they’ve also forgotten that some families do things differently to others - gasp!

To be clear: ONE holiday with your family once every FOUR years is not OTT.

Nor is actually getting along with your family.

Nor is talking to your loved ones, with whom you have a good relationship, about problems and issues in your life.

Also:

It’s not your holiday to be inviting people on.

It’s not ok for you to try to pressure your family into holidaying with someone they don’t like (for WHATEVER reason. They’re not obliged to like her because you happened to marry her son).

If a holiday, regardless of where, is what she’s really after then she’ll happily go to Croatia, or Dubai, or Centre Parcs, or bloody Scunthorpe without moaning.

And contrary to what the weirdly over-Invested posters are saying on here, you’re not immature or odd, or selfish to continue with a family tradition.

Some of us were less than impressed that one family member had invited their friends that had no ties to our family, and that none of the rest of us knew, to come and be a part of all of it.

Of course!

Fancy all the others planning this for 4 years and have one person bring their MiL along. Someone who is the kind of person who sounds difficult and not that nice, that they've only met vaguely. 🙄 Grreat.

It's just not fair on everyone else. Particularly the OP's parents who have organised the holiday.

She will change the whole dynamic and by the sound of it be difficult and pushy.