MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

Invite her, you are being really mean

She’s a single mum & it sounds like she’s always been on her own. I feel for her - esp as she sees her son get together for fun family times with your family. It sounds like she wants to be part of it. I don’t see what’s so bad about that in general but insisting on coming on this specific family hol is a bit much. I do understand that it would change the dynamic, then other in laws parents would also have to be included etc. You’ve offered an alternative holiday so not much more you can do, but I’d make an extra effort to include her. It sounds like her feeling left out is causing bad feeling all round. Maybe including her a bit more would help with this & everyone will be happier? Reading this makes me sad for her. I know how I’d feel if I were in her shoes.

It shouldn't matter where a holiday with MIL would be imo-she either wants to holiday with them or she doesn't.

If Op & her family go every 4yrs, MIL could suggest that they go in one of the years inbetween!

My husband has always preferred spending time with my parents than his.

I haven’t read it all but while I’m nearly always pro DIL in these situations, I can’t help but feel really sorry for your MIL.

She must feel very inferior and left out as I dare say it’s painfully obvious to her how much you both prefer being with your family. This may be perpetuating her ‘difficult’ behaviours as it’s hard to rise above feeling so sad and left out.

Your post smacks of how much you don’t like her. She must feel very alone and isolated from you all. But that said, she can’t really demand to come on someone else’s holiday. It’s just a bit tragic.

She is being totally unreasonable.

You are the kind of person that makes me dread being a MIL and exactly the opposite of who I would want my son to marry!

Your OP is all about what YOU want and what YOUR family think. What about your DH does he get a say in any of this? You sound extremely immature as well running back to your big perfect family telling them everything about your MIL.

Nasty, cruel mean spirited person you are!

Blimey op, you write like she’s some random not part of your family and then you bend over back wards to point out her bad points because answers didn’t go the way you wished.

What bloody difference does it make. Be kind. Invite her along. She’s just one more and she is family. Don’t be so childish.

Couple of extra points in answer to your questions.

We all pay for ourselves apart from my youngest brother who is only 20. My parents do the booking and we pay them back, they do pay for a couple of bits like the minivan hire, but for the majority - flights, park tickets, villa etc we pay our own.

Also my MIL has been to Florida twice before with her two boys when she was still with their Dad about 15 years ago. (They split up 4 years before we got together).

And we hadn't decided on on a location for a separate holiday with her, but we had discussed Dubai or Croatia, and are also planning a Centre Parcs trip in addition too.

Maybe she just wants to feel included in this big family holiday you all probably talk about all the time. Is that so bad to invite her?

Op just ignore the posters who clearly have intentions to make their dils life a misery by insisting they attend all family holidays and inserting themselves into their children’s future nuclear family at every inappropriate opportunity.

"My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with."

TBH my reflex thought on reading that was, 'Hasn't she any friends?'.

"We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday."

That's the sticking point for me. MIL could holiday with her son&DIL, so the "wouldn’t have anyone else to go with" doesn't stand up. That's not good enough, she wants to be included in DIL's wider family and to hell with what DIL's family want. She isn't asking for someone to go on holiday with; she's asking to impose herself on a large number of people and insisting all those people change their plans to include her.

MIL is being unreasonable.

Why won't you go to Florida with her but without your family if you don't want her with them? Maybe she likes Florida as much as you do!

OP don’t do it! It isn’t fair on the rest of your family to have someone else along on a holiday that happens once every 4 years. Mixing in-laws doesn’t always work, my partner’s mother came for Christmas last year with my parents - it was grim and I was glad when it was over.

I don’t understand why you are getting so many comments about being mean - it’s not even your holiday to invite her on and quite frankly if DH isn’t bothered I don’t know why you should be. There is not a chance in hell that my partner’s parents would come on a family holiday with mine - of course my partner is free to refuse to come too and to go with his - the fact he chooses not to says it all.

Aw I feel really sad for her. If you were my DIL I'd really dislike you.

Why wouldn't you invite the grandmother of your child, mother of your partner, along on a family holiday? You sound awful!

Aw I feel really sad for her. If you were my DIL I'd really dislike you

How would you feel about your son, who is also choosing not to invite you on this holiday but, along with his wife (the DiL you dislike) is inviting you to Dubai or Croatia? Just you, your son, his wife and child. No other grandparents there you have to share time and attention with.

OP, you sound like you come from one of those very enmeshed families who live in each others pockets....and when you get partners you manipulate them into joining 'our gang'.
You don't allow 'outsiders' to be part of 'your' family and that includes your in laws.

Ive met so many people like you - men and women.
The one thing they all have in common - they are like the borg, everything has to be done with the controlling 'family', revolve around them and they are the 'only ones' who are important.

Any attempts at asserting your own independent identity and doing things that go against'the way WE always do things' is met with self-righteous narcissistic rage.

I mean, how DARE MIL complain that you've pushed her out of her son's 'family' and life?
How DARE she say ANYTHING about how you make time for YOUR family but deliberately keep her at arms length?

As for your husband - i bet he daren't say anything to rock the boat cos he'll have your whole gang turn on him just like bullies do when someone stands upto them.
He'll probably have you giving him ultimatums - "either you do things the way me and MY family expect and want or we can divorce".

I think you are getting an unfair bashing on this thread. This holiday is presumably organised by your parents and you and siblings. No reason why the PIL on any of the partners cannot organise a separate holiday. I have done a massive extended group family holiday and it is a nightmare trying to keep everyone happy. If you have found something which works that is fine. It is not every year so plenty of other occasions for you to go somewhere with your MIL if you wanted to but if she is as difficult as you say and has fallen out with her family does that mean she has to latch on to your side of the family? When you marry yes you gain PIL and SIL and BIL but that does not mean your siblings and parents need to include them in everything.

There are a lot of people on here projecting. You have said you do go and visit and have suggested a holiday and presumably see her on some xmases. That does not sound like exclusion to me. Do the people on this thread invite their PIL to all their holidays even if they are with extended family? I don't think we took my MIL very often when she was alive because she liked completely different types of holidays to us which were not child friendly and she was difficult. On the other hand we did lots with my family because they are easy going and we got on ok.

Mil can go on holiday with them. Mil is demanding to go on her familys holiday - she obviously doesn’t fit in otherwise she would have been before.

Everyone on here saying you’re being unreasonable is ridiculous. It’s your family’s holiday, you have them to consider, it’s not like she’s just asking to come on holiday with the two of you. And MIL is trying to bully her way in, it’s likely she will throw tantrums while on holiday if she doesn’t get her own way and ruin it for everyone. I would never invite myself on a separate family’s holiday!

In a situation like this I think it best to think of the kindest solution and do that. Would it really destroy the holiday if she came along? It could make her year.

I think it's the way you write that makes you come across as immature and selfish. And more than a bit smug about your lovely, welcoming family. Hence the answers you have had.

Maybe not all families close. My aunt finds my mam hard work. It speaks volumes when my siblings dont take her either. Im a grown adult can make my decisions. Maybe some help while away babysit etc. I never had that 😕

I feel sorry for your MIL to be honest. It’s abundantly clear you really don’t like her. The way you talk about her is so sad.
Let’s hope you never experience loneliness, eh OP?

What coco bean said. Ignore those giving you a slating. Did your DJ invite her along on his stag? -same thing really.

And agree with PO. You sound incredibly immature, and the smug tones to your post as cringeworthy