MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

I feel sorry for her. My MIL has given me a hell of a lot of stress too but I wouldn't exclude her from a big family event. She is your family.

Does that mean that she forfeited the right to be included now when she is single and clearly lonely.

There is no right to a holiday with your adult children. If you want to go on holiday with people you need to get along with them and convince them them you will enhance the holiday, not make it less fun. Even if you’re lonely, your children don’t owe you a social life.

So many people seem to have come to the conclusion that the MIL is a kindly, aging (when most likely is early 50s) mistreated lady from whom love, positivity and happiness just radiate. That she has been a wonderful mother to her sons and a welcoming and supportive MIL to the OP, and that OP is a nasty cow for not expecting 8-10 people to compromise their four-yearly dream holiday to invite a near stranger along. Is OP the only one who has a say in inviting MIL along on her family's holiday? Does everybody else just have to put up with it? That would be incredibly selfish.
If the MIL was this wonderfully charming and kind little mouse, why is she lonely?

No to her on the Florida holiday, otherwise your parents would have to invite all their in-laws' parents too, as you mention your sister's partner and brother's partner. It is your family holiday, with your parents. Does she arrange a holiday where she invites you and your parents? I bet she doesn't.

I think the texting you after you thinking the day has gone well is the worst thing. It will make you constantly second guess yourself every time you are with her, walking on eggshells so as not to upset her. Why would she not bring something up at the time?

Just because people are related by blood does not mean you get along with them. I really wanted a great relationship with Dh's sister, but we are very different people and no matter how much I tried to connect with her she just brushed me off. I have just stopped trying. I now see her about 3 times a year, never by herself, always with my FIL. We get on for those few hours but that is it. I accept that.

You are her family as her DIL and mother of her grandchild and clearly she is your dh family. Your dh gets to come along with your birth lot so...

And she's been offered a holiday with her family.

But, OP's family of origin are not MiL's family. They are her DH's now they're married, but they're still not the MiL's. That's quite clearly what OP meant, I can't understand why so many people aren't grasping that.

I feel very sorry for her - she sounds lonely whilst your big family all go have fun in Florida with spouses who have been welcomed into the family ! Your own dh has been welcomed along.
She may very well be a pita.
It might not be right to invite her to this type of holiday but it sounds from your op that she needs some attention And to feel part of her own family ! (Her her ds and you).

There is no right to a holiday with your adult children. If you want to go on holiday with people you need to get along with them and convince them them you will enhance the holiday, not make it less fun.*

Frankly if she was lovely and nice to be around it might be different.

Though I still can't get my head round thinking she gets to go on these other people's holiday just because SHE wants to. Who behaves like that?

I see that, but don't you understand that both her parents are going. The OP's parents. Why would the MIL, husband's mother not wish to join in? I do feel sorry for her in a way. It must be difficult the politics between daughter and MIL but I'm sure MIL would like to spend time with son and DIL's DIL's family and grandchildren!

She's been offered to spend time with her son, DiL and GC, she's chosen not to take that time.

I only know of one family where the in-laws get on well enough to actively want to spend time together (they actually holiday together without their respective children). But most families I know the only contact both sides have are kids birthdays, milestone birthdays of the adults and odd days during the year. A few have Christmas together. But mixing families for holidays isn't something I've ever known any of my friends etc to do. Not saying it doesn't happen but I don't think it's really something people expect.

Your poor MIL.

Unless there's a huge backstory you sound so mean, like you're trying to cut her out while maintaining a great relationship with your own family.

Very sad also that your DH doesn't stand up for her more.

All mothers of sons hope not to get a DIL like this.

I’m another one confused as to why it’s OP’s place to invite MIL? If my parents invited me and DH on holiday would I be obliged to invite my in-laws?

It’s kind of rude she expects an invite to be honest

Dont do it

Just the switch in family dynamics will make it odd for every one else too. They don’t have to have her on their holiday.

You’ve offered to do a holiday with her else where she’s decline.

I went to the Caribbean with mil. Against my better judgment. It was the worst holiday of my life! Thousands of pounds down the drain . Fucking nightmare!

Also, does this mean OP’s siblings in-laws also should be invited?!

I think the fact she is on her own and has asked means there is something up and she is lonely.

Imagine if your H told you that him, your child, MIL, SIL, & BIL ... were all going on holiday, without you.

Imagine if your H told you that him, your child, MIL, SIL, & BIL ... were all going on holiday, without you.

🤦🏻‍♀️

That's not the same thing at all. The OP isn't excluding anyone, least of all her husband.

There are some nasty posters on here.

Just because 2 people marry doesn't mean one side can gatecrash the others holidays!!!!!!!!! Some people here need to live in the real world!!

It is NOT OP's place to invite her MiL. She goes on the family trip - her family need to decide. OP has a sister and brothers, so at least 3 other sets of IL's to this family - should they all automatically assume they can come along and throw a hissy fit if they can't?

I've had a blended trip. NEVER AGAIN!!

*We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday.

I think lots of posters have missed this in your OP. You're being more than reasonable by offering it.

You don't become entitled to muscle in on someone else's holiday just because your offspring have married into the family.*

Not sure how this was missed unless some posters couldn’t be bothered to read the full comment.

I agree. Regardless of OP’s mother-in-law being family to her husband, it isn’t up to either of them to invite her on this family holiday that wasn’t planned by them. Adding a person regardless if they’re family or not who doesn’t know the dynamic and also already has friction with some that will be there rarely goes well and you don’t want your holiday ruined over one person.

My mother had a friend who pushed themselves onto her holiday visiting us. My dad had agreed to it, but didn’t know this friend well. By the end of it, I checked with my mom that she wasn’t going to bring this friend ever again. The woman was nice at first, but it quickly showed she loved to hear herself talk and was quite rude. She had upset everyone before the trip was over.

We go on holiday with the in-laws because they plan these things for the whole family. It’s eight adults, six children, sharing a villa and we have fun. My parents know this and see it as a way of me scoping out some future holiday visits for us to go on when they visit since I know what they like.

Tell her that it isn’t your decision and that she would have to talk to your parents about it. You both already offered to take her on a separate holiday so not much else you can do.

Imagine if your H told you that him, your child, MIL, SIL, & BIL ... were all going on holiday, without you.

This is so different. 😂 Ridiculous comparison. And anyway they've asked her to do a holiday with DH and DC and OP.

And remember this Florida holiday happens once every 4 years.

@DisneyBaby you're upsets aren't help paint you in a better light. It seems that you are searching for excuses to justify your dislike of her!

Also, why aren't you answering the numerous posters asking about where this alternate holiday destination is?

If its your parents that are organizing the holiday and have invited you, your husband and baby along I don't think it's down to you to then be able to invite your MIL without your parents asking if she wants to come. If it was a holiday you were organising then yeah definitely invite her - maybe you could organise a trip to orlando with her in a few years time, explain your parents are organising the other trip and have invited you but your happy to organise a separate trip with her as well but due to costs and the trip with your parents that is already planned it may have to be a few years time.

I agree with the comments saying she is your family and you should make an effort but that doesn't automatically mean that in laws will become friends with your parents - sadly it doesn't always work like that. A holiday with both sets of in laws who aren't that close could go either way they could become really close or end up disliking each other!

Honestly, I think it’s quite shameful you haven’t made more of an effort to make her part of your wider family. Especially as you are so close and jolly.

I’m a DIL. My parents are dead, my brother is no contact. I sometimes feel absolutely crippled with the good that no family of my own can lay down on me. I am so grateful that my DH and his extended family are as inclusive as they can be.

I feel ever so sorry for your MIL.

No way. You have offered to do something with her but she is insisting on pushing in to your families' holiday.

My parents and and my in laws only get together at my kids birthdays etc. Neither of them would presume to be included in each others plans.

What is stopping her from organising a holiday with her two sons and her sister? Other than no one would want to go?

If your MIL was better company and not what sounds like a pain in the arse she would have people to go to Florida with. You reap what you sow.

The good!

The depression.

OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable. I would have hated to have had my siblings PILs on our family holiday, and so would my parents. Nothing agAibst them - it just totally changes the dynamic. Besides imagine how upset your siblings in-laws would be to see your dh’s mum in photos etc.

I wouldn't be taking my MIL on a holiday with all my family. I get on well with my in-laws and we have them over a lot. They get on with my family when they see them at family birthdays.

I think there is a big difference between going on holiday with your MIL and then inviting her along (or her inviting herself) to your family holiday. It would completely change the dynamics of the holiday that your family have. Also, I don't really think it's fair on the rest of your family for you to take someone they don't know that well. They may not be able to relax and behave how they usually would and it's their family holiday too.

If it were me I would say no to the family holiday but tell her you would like to go away with her separately (with husbands family if they want to). If she didn't want to do that then it would be tough!!!