MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

Do not invite her. It would be exceedingly rude to invite on a holiday with other people someone you thought likely to make people uncomfortable. Some people on this thread have suggested that it’s mean not to invite her, but there’s only one person appeased by you inviting her and many others put out. It’s not mean to not want to spoil the holiday for everyone else just because your MIL is acting entitled.

I would also not invite her on family holidays for just your immediate family if she doesn’t add joy to them. As others have said, your children will be watching. They will grow resentful if you constantly put the feelings of their grandparent above their own.

Don’t try and appease her. Parents aren’t owed a social life by their children. They need to be pleasant to be around if they want to spend time with people, just like everyone else.

i'm imagining my MiL "expecting" to come on holiday with my family half way round the world with lots of activities involved.

Doesn't bear thinking about.

3 days at Christmas half killed me.

I can't believe that you have squealed to your parents & wider family about your disagreements/rows

Squealed? OP talks to her family when she has a problem, I'd imagine most people do this, me included

Perhaps she wants to see DGCs reaction to the Florida parks? Is it her first holiday? She may well want to be involved if that is the case.
Perhaps she’s always wanted to go to Florida but not fancied or been able to afford it alone.
I’ve done a few group trips to Florida and the more the merrier!

You are her family as her DIL and mother of her grandchild and clearly she is your dh family. Your dh gets to come along with your birth lot so...

Well of course she wanted to go on holiday with her partner when she had one and didn't need as much company from her son as she does now. Does that mean that she forfeited the right to be included now when she is single and clearly lonely. Yes, it might change the holiday dynamic, but she's less likely to act up when surrounded by your family in any event. Do you still feel that you are right, having read all the responses? Are you now going to consider inviting her along or did you post primarily because you thought that everyone would back you, rather than your MIL up?

After reading your update, then no I don’t think she should be invited to Florida. She sounds difficult and would probably ruin the dynamic of the holiday.

You have invited her on another holiday, but she said no. You can’t win really!

You are her family as her DIL and mother of her grandchild and clearly she is your dh family. Your dh gets to come along with your birth lot so...

just no.

@Squeakymarymouse

If I understand this correctly it's your parents who are hosting, OP? You should discuss it with them if this is the case, they might be happy for her to come along and your Mum might like a lady of a similar age to chat to (moan with!)

Problem is that OP has dropped poison in her mother’s ear over the years about the MIL, and you can only imagine how eager OP’s Mum will have been to lap it all up and gloat about being the best grandparent, best Mum etc- sounds like OP’s DH has been complicit in all this and not stood up for his own Mum or had a word to stop all the bitching. Poor lady. It is no picnic being on your own as a middle-when woman, especially when you see your son being embraced by a big loving family who don’t want to include you (and use minor disagreements/mild personality clashes as an excuse to say it’s your own fault).

Are you now going to consider inviting her along or did you post primarily because you thought that everyone would back you, rather than your MIL up?

@TiddlestheCat

And what about ALL the people that think OP shouldn't be pressured into inviting her MiL along on some other people's holiday.

I wouldn't even consider it. She has the potential to spoil the holiday for a lot of people. If she wasn't so awkward she might have some friends she could go away with. Even if she didn't actually do anything on the holiday or the build up towards it, you would be expecting something to happen all the time, so it would ruin the whole thing for you. Her holiday issues are hers and not yours.

Have either of you actually said to her “look, we find it unsettling when you complain after we’ve had what seems like a lovely day together. We are concerned that you will be the same if you come with us to Florida.” Maybe try to get to the bottom of why she is like this and give her a chance to change? Perhaps she doesn’t realise the effect her behaviour is having? Or do you just bitch about it behind her back?

I disagree with the mean comments about you op. I have a big family dh is an only child. We do not feel any obligation to invite his parents to my family's events. They don't invite my family to theirs. That is fine. In ops case a family holiday of siblings, parents and grand children is enough. Inviting the in laws outside of the siblings partners is not in the spirit of the holiday. I see no obligation to bring one mil out of pity or obligation. A single person may feel even lonelier on a big family holiday with people who know each other very well have in jokes and shared memories.

A big family holiday is my idea of hell though as my in laws were on my honeymoon!

OP I think some of what you said was harshly worded and with your updates I can see where you are coming from.

I can’t stand the “family” mantra that’s paraded on here so often, she sounds thoroughly objectionable and the fact she is your DH’s mother doesn’t alter the fact it sounds like she would be a troublesome addition to the Florida holiday.

I also agree with a PP that’s it’s very rude and entitled to do anything beyond hint that you would like to be included, as to openly demanding it and saying no to alternative suggestions - unacceptable

I can’t believe most of the responses. Ok it sounds like OP has, rightly or wrongly, a problem with her MIL. But even if she loved her MIL, she has no right to invite her on what is effectively her parents family holiday!

My husband and I both feel the same- it would be totally bizarre if his parents had a holiday tradition, as they grow up and get married sons bringing their wives too, and then one year for one of the wives to announce she is bringing her family along. They might even be lovely people but then you have to be more in ‘polite company mode’ instead ‘family relaxed mode’.

If DH’s brothers wife announced she was bringing her parents on a holiday then we would not be going on it anymore ourselves- we find her snobby and materialistic and we wouldn’t want to spend all that money just to have a miserable time trying not to react and be polite!

Offering to take her on a separate holiday is fair as long as the location is also a fun holiday place.

@ILoveYou3000

She is being left out of the four yearly ritual of going to Florida.

And?

I have afternoon tea every December with my daughters, mum, grandma, sisters and nieces, should I have to invite my MiL along?

I see that, but don't you understand that both her parents are going. The OP's parents. Why would the MIL, husband's mother not wish to join in? I do feel sorry for her in a way. It must be difficult the politics between daughter and MIL but I'm sure MIL would like to spend time with son and DIL's DIL's family and grandchildren!

oh that life we're so straight forward @ArgumentativeAardvaark .

You could just talk these things out. Maybe.

You really spoilt it with the bitching comment.

Did you have a specific idea in mind of the holiday you were inviting her to? Would it have been equivalent to the Florida trip?
I don't think you're coming across as particularly selfish, especially as a number of people have pointed out it's not up to you to invite anyone to the Florida trip.
Besides, she's your husband's mother. It's up to him to work on the relationship fat more than it is you.

@TheEmpressMatilda

Hate is a v strong reaction...but if that is how you feel then it is valid for you.

I was simply addressing the OP's initial post where there is no reference of abuse or dysfunction or toxic treatment of DH in childhood or of DIL or anyone for that matter. MIL sounds llke an ok person even if r'ship has become strained. It was commentary regarding that post, that MIL, that DIL, that son, the dynamic as expressed by the OP. Not a generalisation that includes all family dynamics or the interpretation that you associate with it. There is no intention here to invalidate abuse.

I really like my MIL but I’d never invite her on holiday with my side of the family. They’re completely different people and it would be awkward. Likewise I wouldn’t invite my parents on holiday with my MIL. I don’t think either side would be comfortable and it would spoil the holiday, not that of us have ever been on holidays together and we probably won’t ever get the chance now, but I see exactly where you’re coming from op x

Jesus joe there are so many nasty entitled people on here!

Sorry OP your getting a bashing that you really don’t deserve. Stick to what works. Don’t be guilted into inviting MIL into something, it’s your DH’s responsibility to ensure a relationship with her not yours.

I love the post from the person who said your DC deserves to know both GP’s. Why would a holiday every 4 years affect a DC/GP relationship?

I fully expect every person who says you should have her along invites their in-laws to every event/holiday

I hope you've got a son who's going to grow up and marry a woman like you! It will serve you right!!!

What, a woman who invites her MiL on days out and a holiday? What a bitch!

Some of the responses on here have been so childish and are missing the point entirely.

I think you are being fair offering a holiday with her, seperately. You shouldnt be made to feel guilty about one holiday ever four years with your own family. If you feel it wouldnt go well, it probably wont, and has the potential to make a lot of people resentful that she guilt tripped you all inviting her. If she isnt happy with the offer of another holiday somewhere else, that is a poor reflection on her

Honestly, your post sounds very harsh. So you have a big family, have lots of fun together and you can’t show a little kindness to your MIL. Surely you could all welcome her on this one occasion. I’d hate to be your MIL as it sounds like your family are very much favoured.