MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday.

I think lots of posters have missed this in your OP. You're being more than reasonable by offering it.

You don't become entitled to muscle in on someone else's holiday just because your offspring have married into the family.

A holiday in Florida once every four years is a big investment both financially and emotionally and there's no way I would be inviting someone who was prone to triggering big rows to join me. I'd also feel much too guilty about spoiling everyone else's holiday..

Enjoy your trips to Florida with your family and keep reminding her that you're more than happy to plan an alternative trip with her. Be clear and consistent and don't make up any excuses because that will just invite her to argue her way around them.

I hope you've got a son who's going to grow up and marry a woman like you! It will serve you right!!!

Do you make any attempt to spend time with her?

My ex found every excuse under the sun to keep me away from my own family. One of the many reasons he's an ex.

Wow nice drip feed.
So if she has a row with her son,you go back and tell your family everything?

If so,why?Its not their business.

Also another point to add re his upbringing etc. Yes she is a single Mum and has struggled at points but when she had a partner and my brother in law was still in secondary school several years ago, she went on holiday with her bf at the time to Jamaica.
So when she was in a relationship, she was more than happy for my husband to be going away with my family because that meant she could go away along with her partner and not feel bad that we weren't doing something together, but now that she's single, she wants to be included.

She can't invite herself on your families holiday, that would be for your family to decide to invite her.
She goes on a separate holiday with you and husband or nothing. Why would she even want to go to Florida with you and bunch of people she barely knows, surely she'd be uncomfortable with everyone else's closeness.
My MIL doesn't invite my mum on our holidays and nor would anyone expect her to

I can understand the MIL feeling a jealous of the holidays you have with your extended family (especially if it's obvious what a great time you have). However, I agree that it's unreasonable for her to expect to be included, especially if you have offered to have a different holiday with her (so she still gets a holiday with her son and grandchild). Taking another person along would change the dynamic of the holiday for everyone (especially if she's not too easy going) and I don't think this would be fair to everyone else. We tried this once with my MIL (who we get on well with, but she is rather set in her ways) when we invited her to join a long weekend with us and some friends. I think it was awkward for everyone (including MIL) as she wasn't interested in doing things that the rest of us like during the day, didn't want to eat the same food as the rest of us etc.

Am I the only one who thinks it’s spectacularly rude of op’s MIL to ask to go on a holiday she hasn’t been invited to.

Poor MIL...she raised a man that pleased you enough to marry & have a child with...so she must have some worthy merits.

I can't believe that you have squealed to your parents & wider family about your disagreements/rows with her to the point that they may all now have judgments of her based on only your version of events. If your husband is a party to this how incredibly disloyal of you both to his mum.

As others have said, it seems he is swept up with your lot & all your family goings-on & his mother gets whatever is left. It is incredibly hurtful to a parent to be sidelined....you expect it of teenagers or young adults at different stages of busy lives as they get immersed in living & doing...but to be pushed aside for a 'new' family since he was an impressionable 18 yr old must hurt.

And as for her comments about parenting, she is being caring & you are finding her overstepping or whatever...it happens the world over with firstborns, new parents, new grandparents.

And none of that means she should go with you to Florida...but I can see why she feels so left out. You clearly dislike her. You've spent 10 years excluding her, finding her annoying, griping to your family so they are now not keen. I'm sure she is not unaware.

It is a long road to raise a young man, especially alone, put him thro school & college, see him find a 'nice' girl (partner) & start his own family. Those ties can bind tight betw a parent & child. Be careful OP...if your husband can find his backbone, it may not be his mother who is on the receiving end some criticism. You would do well to be kinder, more caring, more respectful & more discreet.

Since when did it say in your wedding vows that once married you must invite both sides of the family to everything?!

OP your are not being horrible or spiteful. MIL is being awkward and childish. You have offered her a holiday and she’s said no. Surely she would be happier with a smaller holiday so she can spend more quality time with DC instead of sharing them with a large group?

I wouldn’t be inviting her to Florida, I bet she didn’t have her MIL on her holidays!

Do you all stay in a hotel? If so It would seem reasonable for her to stay in the same hotel, paying for her own single room, her own flights, transfers meals etc.

If it's a shared holiday house then I think its fair to say "Sorry, we have to limit numbers somehow, which rules out inviting all the siblings and parents of the SILS and BILS.

Its not being nasty. My mam would ruin a break. She ignored me when we went away. I told her I wasnt around as would usually call x day of week. I am not being miserable away. Their way or highway. Just want give another side to this. It be zero break!!

Just realised I'd slightly missed the MIL threads. we are almost back to usual service (pandemic? what pandemic? ).

Things change op. So what if when she had a partner she went to Jamaica?

What have you and your DH suggested?

It’s clear from the update that the mil has a second son. What’s to stop the mil from organising a trip with her two sons and their wives? Oh right, she behaves like a shitty person and as a result of her own toxic behaviour, people don’t want to spend time with her.

You need to start setting boundaries for her, DH may be laid back but he needs to start protecting you and LO. As children get older her demands may increase and you both need to be on the same page about what you're happy with.
Sorry but this is total fighting talk. Start talking boundaries etc and op is going to get her back up even more and ready to go to war when one doesn't need to be.

@DisneyBaby

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

You've treated her like the poor relative and she's asking for some scraps.....

I'd be reflecting about this more. How would you feel if your childs partner does this to you in 30 years?

Given that you go so regularly, would it really kill you to invite her along?

@Sugarplumfairy65

I hope you've got a son who's going to grow up and marry a woman like you! It will serve you right!!!

@Sugarplumfairy65 you hope this? Do you really? Actually care enough about a complete stranger?! Although OP does sound quite reasonable to me so is it a compliment?

*Wow nice drip feed.
So if she has a row with her son,you go back and tell your family everything?

If so,why?Its not their business.*

You what? OP is close to her family. She can tell them what she likes.

So OP's partner's mother is is 'close enough family' to invite herself on this other family's holiday if she wants to come, but the OP should n't confide about about her life to her own siblings?

Go away.

I think it depends tbh. My side do a holiday each year which is my parents, my siblings/partners and their kids and it would never occur to us to invite my FIL. That’s because it’s something my parents pay for. Would she pay for herself (at which point it’s just people going away and more of a ‘muck in’ type situation) or not at which point it would be down to the people who essentially host the holiday to ask if she wants to go as they foot the bill.

@Notonthestairs. Yep. I’ll dust off my hard hat.

OP has mil always wanted to go to Florida or does she just want to go on holiday with your family?
Could you just include her this time and if she’s a nightmare then at least you gave her a chance.

Instead, by OP's own account, they have only met a few times in ten years.

Why is this OP's fault? Why is her family's fault? Maybe MiL wasn't interested in being welcomed or forging a relationship with her son's in laws. How do you know how welcoming or not OP's family were in the last? Maybe they tried and were rejected. Maybe it's only now there's a baby in the mix MiL wants to be a part of it. She's been offered a separate holiday.

If it was genuinely about wanting the time with her son and grandchild surely she'd accept the holiday just them and her? Because in a big group holiday she'll have to share her son and grandchild's time and attention. A holiday alone with them and OP she pretty much gets them all to herself.

Some of the replies and projection on this thread are beyond ridiculous.

OP, don't be swayed by all the negative and critical comments on here. You have done nothing wrong.

You don't particularly get on with your MIL - I didn't with mine either, so I can relate to this. Your only obligation is to be polite to her. That's it.

You definitely do not have to go on holiday with her. Don't do it, it would be a disaster not just for you but for your extended family, and don't feel guilty about it either.

OP really YABVU! Read your post and see how selfish it comes across.
Is she not also part of your family?
It sounds like your family is much more important than DH's mother.
Also sounds like you've been slagging her off to your own family, which is also not a very nice thing to do!
Put yourself in her shoes for once. How would you feel? She has a son (as a single parent she's probably invested much more into this man than normal) a new grandchild and then a DIL that hates or has little respect for her!
It sounds like you leave her out alot if she's been upset in the past. Ever considered that she might be lonely? Including her might solve the problem, rather than rubbing her face in it, arguing with her, then slagging her off.

Would you want your child to treat you the same once they've grown up? They Find a DP/DH and oh their family's so much more fun than you, so sorry you can do one mum!
I doubt it.

I see a lonely women who needs a decent family around her for support as she gets older. The best way to support someone who is lonely is to spend time with them. You don't sound nice OP.

Poor MIL...she raised a man that pleased you enough to marry & have a child with...so she must have some worthy merits.

I hate this argument so much. There are plenty of parents who are abusive, even those who rape or pimp out their own children, and those children grow up to be perfectly valid romantic partners.

I know you don’t mean it that way (and obviously there’s no abuse in this situation), but do you think abuse survivors feel reading “any parent who raised a child capable of finding a partner must be okay”? It either invalidates their abuse, or it comes across (especially as many abuse survivors struggle to find healthy relationships) like “only people with “merit worthy” parents are good enough to be loved.”

Even in the context of this thread, it doesn’t apply. The OP doesn’t hate or want to go NC with her, she’s even offered to go on holiday with her, she just doesn’t want to feel pressured into inviting her on someone else’s holiday.

She is being left out of the four yearly ritual of going to Florida.

And?

I have afternoon tea every December with my daughters, mum, grandma, sisters and nieces, should I have to invite my MiL along?