MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

Can i ask @DisneyBaby what the rows where about?
And why go back and tell your family about the rows.

Im a mother of boys and i would hate for you to be my dil.
You sound childish and immature.

Its not all about you,your dc have a right to know the other GP.

And your DH should grow a backbone and stand up for his DM.

Just hope you dont need her someday.

And yes it will change the dynamics of your Florida holiday, you will have to look out for her etc.

I think the type of holiday that MiL has been offered is fairly crucial. And also how often OP goes away with her family.

If OP regularly goes away at least once a year with her own family, as well as the 4 yearly Florida trip, has never been away with MiL and now is suggesting a weekend in Bognor ... I can see why MiL might feel a little second best.

As far as going to Disney, it's not 100 percent my cup of tea, but I have been there, and I would highly recommend having an extra pair of doting grandparently hands. I don't know all the details, though, so it's hard for me to judge. I do think it's such a big, overwhelming place that there could be room for one more, though. But of course, part of the issue is, who's paying, etc. If I were your MIL, I would so much want to go, under the circumstances.

I think you are getting quite a hard time.
If your mil has only met your family a few times i am not sure why she would want to go on holiday with them. As they don't know each other very well it would change the dynamic of the trip. It was nice of you to offer to go away with your mil with your own small family and I think that would be much more fun for her alternatively you could do some weekend breaks away with her. My mil knows my family pretty well but I still wouldn't want her to come on holiday with my side of the family as it would be feel more formal for them. I would invite your mil over more often and try to spend time with her for your dh and child's sake. Sometimes you do have to take one for the team and despite you not getting along that well making an effort shows you are being a bigger person.

And again for those who just want to join in the bitch-fest of "you are horrible/mean/awful/exclusionary/I hope you end up alone "
MIL HAS REFUSED A HOLIDAY WITH OP AND DS/DC. SHE ONLY WANTS TO DO FLORIDA. She is not being forgotten/ignored/left out.

If the worst is that she can be a little annoying and overbearing - oh well, I'm sure lots of your siblings and their partners can be the same too, nobody's perfect after all!

Bear in mind that the bigger the group, the more diluted any annoyances can be too - better a big busy holiday than a pressure cooker environment small holiday where you know you'll be in each other's pockets.

You sound really unkind and spiteful. Your MIL IS part of your family whether you like it or not.

I was expecting that I would agree with you not to invite her when I read the title, as I am not terribly keen on my MIL either but having read your post, I really think you are being completely horrible not to invite her!!

What is the problem with having one extra person when you away? It’s hardly a romantic honeymoon?

You sound very immature and smug at having such a large family that gets on and completely without understanding or compassion for her being on her own.

One day that could be you, if your find yourself widowed and the last sibling alive in your old age. How would you feel??

So what if she isn’t your best buddy, grow up, invite her along and be big enough a person to make sure that you AND your family are welcoming to her!! Start a new more inclusive tradition with the holiday!

Maybe if she felt more included and part of it, then she would feel so insecure and needing to be critical of you.

@TitianaTitsling I know right? Are we reading a different op to half of these posters??? It’s ok to not get on with your mil. Why on earth isn’t the husband getting any flack if his mother has been pushed out? Must be op with her magic vagina controlling him

it’s a sign of immaturity for you to be going on so many holidays with them

A group family holiday once every four years is immature? Crikey you'd hate us then. We did exactly this every couple of years, albeit not to Florida, so did DH's family. We do the same with our adult kids/partners.

If we had all taken additional in-laws along we would have needed castles to house us all.

We have similar family weekends away with extended family and my sister does the same with her inlaws. On neither side is it even considered that the single gp on the other side should be invited because it is bullshit. It just doesn't make sense.

Oh you're one of those families

I feel sorry for your poor MIL. You sound nasty.

If this was a once in a lifetime holiday for your family I would understand but you go every year and no doubt MiL has to listen all about how amazing it is. You say your parents welcomed your partner into the family but they sound very exclusionary - only partners welcome and if they want to spend lots of time with you then great but THEIR family members are not welcome.

My family are similar to yours - super close and get on great etc spend lots of time together and my MiL was also bereaved. We were planning a big family cruise and my mother invited my MiL along even though she is sometimes hard to get on with as she appreciated how it must be tough for her. It seems you and your family are completely lacking that empathy.

My MiL has since died suddenly and I wish we would have had the opportunity create memories with her. It sounds like you would be delighted if same happened yours so you wouldn’t have to bother with her at all and could spend all your time with your own family.

@Jumble567 has it perfectly right.

I can actually see the OPs point of view and I say that as a MIL myself, although not single. If your DH invites his mum what is to stop your sister or brothers partners from inviting their PIL? The group would then be huge and I know from experience that huge group holidays can be a nightmare and your DH would feel like he would have to constantly check she was ok.

I think you have offered a good compromise in offering to go away just with her and let her suggest somewhere but maybe point out Florida would be too expensive to do two years on the trot. This is your familys' holiday and as such presumably not you organising it. Much as people say you are joining two families when you marry in practice that is not what happens. We get on fine with my SILs parents and are happy to socialise with them but the dynamics of holidays change when both families get together and often it is just too big a group. We are always ok if my DD and her family go with her PIL on holiday though.

You have a pretty clear line of family and non-family don't you - your mil is family, unless you think your dh isn't either?

It depends on how she would be on a day to day basis. Would she fit in seemlessly with everyone else and just get on with things or would yourself and/or your dh have to be catering and pandering to her through the whole holiday?

And I agree with the comments about your family knowing about all the falling outs you have had in the past, you need to stop running to them.

@TitianaTitsling

I imagine MIL can see very well that she is being offered the crappy consolation prize holiday to stop her from wanting to be involved in the real family holiday. I expect she wants to come as a chance to get to know the family and to feel apart of things. She's clearly fed up with being pushed to the sidelines and can see the 'alternative' holiday is a device to keep her in the sidelines.

If OP and her family had made an effort to welcome MIL with open arms and as part of the family, as they did with OPs' DH, this whole situation would never had happened. Instead, by OP's own account, they have only met a few times in ten years.

MIL is clearly hurt at being the second best on the sideline.

How many are deciding to ignore as pointed out loads MIL HAS REFUSED A SEPARATE MORE INTIMATE FAMILY HOLIDAY!

Also surely as a mil you would rather a nice holiday with your child, his wife and grandchild than in a huge group of people you barely know who all want a piece of the child/wife/grandchild.

Mil Has picked the wrong hill to die on frankly.

11 pages and no op..hmm

Not RTFT however put yourself in her shoes. In 30 years time, perhaps you're single then, perhaps your DD meets a man and spends wonderful family holidays with him and his parents and doesn't want to involve you. Imagine how you'd feel and work backwards from there

@TitianaTitsling

And again for those who just want to join in the bitch-fest of "you are horrible/mean/awful/exclusionary/I hope you end up alone " MIL HAS REFUSED A HOLIDAY WITH OP AND DS/DC. SHE ONLY WANTS TO DO FLORIDA. She is not being forgotten/ignored/left out.

She is being left out of the four yearly ritual of going to Florida.

find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers

Well if you're going down that road the same could be said of OPs DH... not his family either.

Because it’s not her family. That’s why she’s not part of it. Not all families come together in some huge joyous now you are my second mum and my mums almost sister now type affair.