MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

I may be way off base here but you seem to enjoy the power of excluding her.

Yep I get this too. There seems to be a very 'us and her' attitude.

I don't think she should go on holiday with them on this particular holiday but it seems like she's included in very little at all.

I think you just sound nasty. I am sure there is a way of handling this so your MIL feels included in your lives. Your DH must be a bit of a wimp to let you cut his mother out so much.

Life is too short, kindness always pays off.

I think you’re very unkind. I feel sorry for her.

@Iggi999 it’s not her family it’s her sons in-laws? Are you really do entitled that you think you can be involved in any of your children’s in laws traditions that you decide you like the look of? Holy boundaries batman

Imagine for a second your child grows up and marries into a big family. They often go away on big holidays to Florida. You’d love to be invited along but your child’s spouse doesn’t want you to come. How does that feel? That’s what you’re doing to your MIL. I feel so sorry for her. I hope when my son grows up he marries a woman that is kind and considerate and doesn’t want me to feel left out.

@Leaannb you’re so right MiL is nothing to do with this family - it’s only her daughter in law her son and her grandchild going - they’re not her family apparently

What is the problem with having one extra person when you away?

Maybe that depends on who the person is? Let's not forget that OP knows the MIL and none of us do

Whoever mentioned "setting a precedent" also had a point - after all MIL isn't going to stop being single after a holiday, so what happens about the next time and the next?
For me, the big surprise is that she hasn't jumped at the chance of a separate holiday with her own nearest and dearest ... seems a bit odd somehow

Do you do anything with her as a family? If not, perhaps this is the place to start, before any discussion of her coming on a bigger family holiday. If you do, how does that go? Does she join in merrily - which she'd need to be prepared to do on a big family holiday.

I do see it from her side, as she seems to be excluded from your 'jolly holiday' and not part of YOUR family i.e. you, DH and DC.

Personally, I wouldn't feel it was my place to extend an invitation to my mil to my side of the family's traditional family holiday. My family didn't marry my DH's family!

However, I do think it's important to try and make traditions with MIL, especially if DH is an only child, I imagine she feels very alone and on the outer, with the stark contrast provided by your family. It would be nice if you and she could get enthused about finding a special place and time for a holiday with her.

Where do you all find these wet lettuce men who just go along with their wives and never bother with their own mothers.

Is it this one holiday every four years where you spend time together as one happy family- or is it every Christmas, Easter, weekend, Halloween, Tuesday afternoon etc etc ... while she is just sat at home hoping she will be remembered on Mother’s Day. Or does he have to spend that with your side too?

Some mil are easy. I would not bring my mam away. Moods if not her way. My husband works hard and not fair to him. Some people are quite entitled. My mil is great but hates the long flights.

It's mean to not include her. I bet your MIL is not as bad as you make her out to be. Your Husband surely doesn't share the same views as you I hope.

What is the problem with having one extra person when you away? It’s hardly a romantic honeymoon?*

Do all these people saying it won't matter go on big group holidays? Of course it matters.
Group holidays can be an accident waiting to happen.

And it is SO tiring and awkward when someone doesn't fit in. For everyone.

It's NOT just about having one extra person at all!

Would mil be entitled to join if it was groups of Different families All attending just because a couple of her family members where also going? No.

What gives her the right to make demands on her sons wife’s parents? It’s their holiday they invite the guests.

I think my approach would be that it's not your decision this isn't just your little family's holiday; it's the whole side of your family's holiday. The family has a policy of not inviting extended family or however you might want to phrase it. It wouldn't be fair for you to invite your MIL when your siblings don't invite their own in-laws.

It's quite rude of her to invite herself along. She should accept that this is one of your own family's traditions, and be open to starting a new one, as you've suggested.

Also, I don't blame you for "not liking her much" (if that is indeed the case). She's apparently not been easy for you to get along with in the past, so why would you want to potentially ruin your family holiday by having her along?!

I'd spend some time with your husband coming up with specific suggestions for holidays you'd be willing to do with MIL, then bring them up to her as possibilities. She can refuse, of course, but if she does, she's only punishing herself.

I am gobsmacked that so many people think OP is being mean and unreasonable. Why should she have to change her family's long-standing traditions just so as not to upset her mother in law? If your mother in law told you that you could no longer go to your family's annual new year's party or summer barbecue because she didn't like it would you think that was actually ok? If OP's side of the family were invited to a wedding, would it be acceptable for the MIL to say she had to come aswell? It's not the OP's place to invite another person on the holiday. A person that everybody else might not know very well or might not get on with. A maybe hard-saved for family holiday, every four years, not every year, that everybody looks forward to. Having a near stranger tag along would absolutely change the dynamics. Plus it would mean that OP would have to spend all the time entertaining the MIL as it's not fair for everybody else to have to. They have already offered to go on a separate holiday with MIL, just them,.so she gets to spend lots of quality time with them all. How much quality time would she get to spend with them on a huge family trip to Florida? They could have started their own tradition - last week of July every year they go on holiday with MIL, every four years OP and her husband and child go to Florida with her family. But that wasn't acceptable to MIL.
The talk of two, huge families marrying together is utter nonsense. Where does that end? OP's sister's husband brings his mothee then that mother wants her daughter and her husband's parents to join too, as they are all 'one big family'. It's ridiculous. OP's family has been doing this for years and MIL has no right to try to alter that.
I'm also surprised that OP is getting a bashing for trying to leave her MIL out when on literally every other thread people come out with - it's your husband's family, let him deal with them, leave it to him, don't take on 'wife work', it's not up to you to facilitate a relationship between mother and son, etc. So why can't OP's husband take some responsibility for including his own mother in things? Or is it all up to the OP to do it?

Sorry to shout but:
THE INVITATION ISN'T OP's TO GIVE

IF MIL GOES ALL THE OTHER SIBLING's PILS WILL WANT TO BE INVITED TOO

BUT - it sounds like MIL is left out of everything and has lost her son to your family in a big way. That needs to be resolved, not just as a one-off, but in your general attitude to her, OP. She's lonely and hurt, as I would be too.

You sound really nasty. A fine example you are setting for your children too.

How many are deciding to ignore as pointed out loads MIL HAS REFUSED A SEPARATE MORE INTIMATE FAMILY HOLIDAY!

OP has not said what this suggested holiday is. Is it on par with a regular trip to Florida, or is it a consolation prize?

I agree that MiL coming to Florida with OP's family may be awkward and will change the dynamics. What OP needs to look at is the imbalance of the number of things she does with her own family versus the number of things she does with MIL. What does her DH make of this? If MIL is an evil witch who they both hate, this one thing, but OP hasn't said she dislikes her MIL - just that MIL has complained that OP and DH spend way more time with OP's family than they do with her (which sounds perfectly justified).

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. Your MIL sounds like a real CF!

It's great that you've got a lovely big family. It's a shame that your MIL doesn't but that's not your fault. It's also not your responsibility to fix it for her.

Considering you don't get on I think it's lovely of you to invite her on a holiday with you, DH and DD. She absolutely doesn't get to invite herself on your family's holiday though, why on earth would she think she could?!

I hope you have a lovely time in Florida, it sounds brilliant!

And also how often OP goes away with her family

This isn't relevant, it's nobody's business how often OP goes away with her own family, even if she went every bloody month it still doesn't mean MIL is entitled to go too

So your family is important but his isn't.
I understand how she feels and I'd be heartbroken if my family did this to me.
Fortunately my dil and future dil include us all as one big family, not his and hers.
They're nice people.

My friend always invited both her DM and her MIL on holidays with her DH and their DCs. The two mums became good friends and had separate accommodation and it worked for everyone. They were both widows and would have had to holiday alone otherwise.

An act of kindness will never do you wrong, OP.

Personally it sounds to me like your forgetting something....... She is your family since the day you married your husband. Your saying your family alot as in biological side but she is your husbands mother. I don't think inviting her once would hurt. It may even reduce tension and make her feel including which will reduce her resenting you which I think is causing your issues. Make an effort with her or go on a weekend trip with her to see how it goes first.

I read it as the MIL is left out of everything.

Does the op go to her family every Christmas/Easter.

I think the op needs to do her own traditions and not still be in teh mindset that shes a teen.

Her dh and dc are her family and should take priority.She has to realise things cant go on the way they are.