Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay SIL?

181 replies

basketcase1 · 11/06/2020 08:57

Basically...SIL is my childminder, she is a Sahm since her 2 dc were born. When I had my ds I was going to put him in nursery and she offered to have him daily and I would pay her a fee. This fee was only payable when he went (so if he was sick- no payment, and during holidays - no payment) I am a teacher so it worked really well for us! I paid her cash ( so it was extra cash for her and it was much cheaper for me!)

When all of this Covid 19 kicked off, schools were shut and now I am home. I am managing with DS at home as he is 18months and still naps. Obviously, now that I am home I don't need childcare so I wasn't paying SIL (as per agreement). All fine, but now dh is saying (even though his pay has been reduced) that we need to pay SIL something as this has been going on too long! They are not hard up as such, her dh is in banking and is still working.
SIL has never mentioned anything to me...so imo all is fine and the agreement we had still stands- no attendance = no pay!
DH is becoming adamant and is bringing it up daily at this rate.
So...AIBU to not pay her!??

OP posts:
SophieB100 · 12/06/2020 22:04

People up and down the country pay family/friends to mind their kids while they work and have done since the year dot.

It's only on Mumsnet this 'never happens' and given some of the replies, you can see why people don't admit to it.

^This^

Specksbecks · 12/06/2020 22:06

My god I had to skip to the end cause I felt the pain for the women who kept telling people she didn’t live in the uk..... it was making me want to throw my phone in the bath.
So what if they have a cash agreement and she’s not self employed or registered. How many self employed people put every penny through the tax anyway? Most men and women I know are and none of them do. They don’t get holidays or sick pay normally so consider it a bonus of having to do your own books ect. It’s only people that arnt self employed that get taxed on every penny that complain about it from what I can see.

Tomoveornotomove2 · 12/06/2020 22:10

No - don’t pay her.

Why should you pay someone who hasn’t watched your child?!

Find alternative arrangements and tell DH to grow a pair

Lynda07 · 12/06/2020 23:04

LadyEloise: How may posters didn't rtft and keep stating it's illegal when it's not -in Ireland.
Does my head in.hmm
........

Quite. I wouldn't care if it was in England and illegal, lots of family look after children on an ad hoc basis. My mum and my in laws helped me with child care, I'm sure if I'd had a sister we'd have helped each other out. It's normal and actually not illegal.

OP, the gifts sound lovely, i'm sure your sister in law will feel really appreciated.

Nataliej2312 · 12/06/2020 23:09

Unless she is a registered childminder and had been given a Ofsted registration and You’ve signed some sort of contract with her, there is no way I would be paying her anything SIL or not

altiara · 12/06/2020 23:22

In addition to what you’re doing with the presents, I would make it clear that your own household income has dropped if DH hasn’t already told her. Although doesn’t sound likes she’s asking for money.

Chocolate50 · 13/06/2020 09:02

Despite all of the legality posts - which don't really apply to OP's situation as this is a family arrangement, I would be uncomfortable in this position not to offer something if I could afford it. Partially because I'd like to thank her & because I'd want the arrangement to continue.

Dovefeather · 13/06/2020 09:16

I dont think it’s right for you to stop your dh from paying her something.

She is his sister and it’s up to him!

Of course it needs to be affordable for your family but you are still working and he hasn’t lost his job (despite having a lower income) so I don’t understand why you would oppose him from doing so. And it is money that would have ordinarily been budgeted for and paid to her, so it’s not as if it’s coming out of a different area of the family budget.

Relationships between siblings are so varied.

I come from a large family and some of my siblings have gifted me money at various times because they felt strongly that they should because of the circumstances, so I’m sorry to say you need to let him live his life and let him what he feels he needs to do.

morriseysquif · 13/06/2020 11:40

If the husband is in banking I doubt they are short HOWEVER maybe he is financially abusive and that was the only money she had to herself?

Sometimeswinning · 13/06/2020 23:39

@Dovefeather it's not just his money! Do people really feel strongly they should gift you money? Sort yourself out and stop expecting money from family! I'd be embarrassed if I were you.

chocolatemademefat · 14/06/2020 00:18

This is why people shouldn’t work for family members. You’re aware it’s a long time since you paid her and you probably expect her to take your child back when it’s convenient for you. You will be getting paid - surely as a goodwill gesture you should pay something. You don’t know about her finances - be less selfish and appreciate what she’s done for you - saved you money in the past.

Dovefeather · 14/06/2020 00:24

It’s not just the op’s money either.

And both should have access to the money if they need it.

And the money was already budgeted for the sister but not needed as working from home, so it wouldn’t be coming out of joint savings!

If the dh feels very strongly then I think they should pay her.

WhatIsLife20 · 14/06/2020 00:27

No one is dodging tax! It's highly unlikely that the OP is paying her SIL more than £700 a month to reach the NIC threshold or £1,000 a month to reach the tax threshold! I sometimes wonder about mumsnet and how it's seemingly full of lawyers and all sorts. You wouldn't think so with half the comments on here

Dovefeather · 14/06/2020 00:31

And my family only do money gifts rather than object gifts.

I don’t like object gifts as I would always rather choose things myself. So I view objects gifts as a waste of time and money. And I resent them if I don’t like them as I have to find something to do with it.

Maybe the dh’s family do too!!

It really is not the op’s place to choose the presents to give. And over ride over the dh’s wishes of gifting cash.

I really don’t understand why she has gone out and bought a object gift as now if the dh’s says I want to give cash she will say but I bought presents Hmm

I think that was very unfair of her.

Dovefeather · 14/06/2020 00:36

And why did the op think she should go and choose the present when it is the dh’s sister?

Sometimeswinning · 14/06/2020 00:40

@Dovefeather I think you may be confused. If my job gave me a gift instead of my wages I'd be upset (understated) if my ds gave me a gift for past services and helping her I'd be happy. I wouldn't demand a monetary exchange!

Dovefeather · 14/06/2020 00:52

No I’m not confused.

This is the dh’s sister is caring for the child so the 2 parents can go out to work.

Dh wanted to gift her money, and why not? It is his money too and the money would have gone to her in ordinary circumstances.

And then op went out and got her presents (instead of money) for dh’s sister. Maybe he likes to gift money?

Dovefeather · 14/06/2020 00:58

And the op says herself that it was much cheaper using the sil instead of other childcare.

So they have been saving money by using her. Give her some of these savings to her in the form of a cash gift.

The dh feels strongly, op should respect the sibling dynamics at play here.

Sometimeswinning · 14/06/2020 01:01

There is a difference between a wage for services given and a gift for appreciation.

Dh and I both work. We both pay Bill's, expenses etc. Neither of us have our own money. It's our money. He works full time whereas I work part time so I can look after our children. How would it work if he wanted to pay someone and I didnt agree?

Dovefeather · 14/06/2020 01:09

These are unusual circumstances the op is a teacher and how often can teachers work from home?

So the money which would ordinarily have gone to the sister is being saved.

And the op has admitted that sil is cheaper than regular childcare (which would have continued charging in these circumstances so even more money has been saved).

So why not pay the sister some of this saved money?

And it is dh’s sister so I think he should have more say in this as it is his sibling relationship with his sister that is more important.

Just seems very rude that the op has gone out and purchased gifts when the dh wanted to pay her some cash.

caringcarer · 14/06/2020 01:11

With family it is different. When I was at home for a year and a half after ds2 and DD was at school I also looked after my sister's DD 3 days a week. I did not want to be payed as I loved having my niece to play with my son as only 3 months difference in age. My sister often treated me though. We would go on weekend breaks together leaving kids at home with dh's every 3 months and my sister always insisted on paying for our shared room and all meals. She insisted she could not work if I did not look after her dd. Kids are all grown up now but I am still incredibly close to my dn. Ask your sil if she is still ok with agreement.

Dovefeather · 14/06/2020 01:32

But that is your sister. And what you did as siblings.

My siblings and I would rather gift cash.

eatsleepread · 14/06/2020 01:40

I would speak to her directly and offer to pay something if you feel you should, following your chat. Chances are she'll tell you not to bother, but at least you'll have offered! If you don't, then resentment will creep in on her part, which will make your future childcare arrangements difficult. This situation is different to school holidays, and you know it. The words cake and eat it spring to mind.

Sometimeswinning · 14/06/2020 01:41

Twist it how you like @dove I would never ask my sister to pay me for NOT looking after my dn. I feel for your family.

Original poster
basketcase1 · 14/06/2020 11:21

@Dovefeather I have known SIL since we were 17...I know her very well. The bracelet was from my DS and the vouchers are in the form of a gift card that can be used in literally tons of shops here in Ireland. They are called "all for one" cards. Yes I could have given her cash but I know the she thinks gifts should not be cash. Just because you think that way doesn't mean others do. Surely you can understand that??

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.