To not pay SIL?

[basketcase1]

Basically...SIL is my childminder, she is a Sahm since her 2 dc were born. When I had my ds I was going to put him in nursery and she offered to have him daily and I would pay her a fee. This fee was only payable when he went (so if he was sick- no payment, and during holidays - no payment) I am a teacher so it worked really well for us! I paid her cash ( so it was extra cash for her and it was much cheaper for me!)

When all of this Covid 19 kicked off, schools were shut and now I am home. I am managing with DS at home as he is 18months and still naps. Obviously, now that I am home I don't need childcare so I wasn't paying SIL (as per agreement). All fine, but now dh is saying (even though his pay has been reduced) that we need to pay SIL something as this has been going on too long! They are not hard up as such, her dh is in banking and is still working.
SIL has never mentioned anything to me...so imo all is fine and the agreement we had still stands- no attendance = no pay!
DH is becoming adamant and is bringing it up daily at this rate.
So...AIBU to not pay her!??

Honestly, I wouldn't see this as payment and more as a contribution towards expenses/a thank you. I don't think you have exploited her, taken advantage or anything else. Nor should you be making this contribution now.

OP, your SIL made a plumbing remark that anyone would make, having found out something is easily fixed.

The opposite to what she said would be "oh what a pity it isn't a huge job that will cost us".

People are always delighted when a job turns out to be simple.

A lovely gift for her alone,would indeed be a very nice gesture.

By the sounds of it, you have made an enormously generous offer for when her children start attending school.

Enormous!

@billy1966 i have just said that to my dh! He has a habit of reading too much into things that ppl say...it drives me crazy!! I love him for being so thoughtful and sensitive towards people but sometimes he takes it too far!!

Yes, well I teach in the local school and they will attend there so it makes sense for me to do the school runs as I'm going that way anyway. So even though I'm paying her now, we do favours and help each other out a lot!!

There is a lot of over analysing in this. To me this sounds like a perfectly normal family arrangement. If it were me I'd get her a gift "from your DC" because he misses his auntie! And because you appreciate her. Offering cash when she hasn't asked and doesn't expect and isn't in your arrangement could be seen as insulting.

@sillysmiles
Great suggestion re the gift being from the children👍

@basketcase1

Apologies but I have to disagree with your last statement regarding you working at the school and it making sense.

Big mistake. Big, big mistake.

Your offer is huge.
Really huge.
It gives you an enormous extra responsibility in the morning.
Timing.
Not being late.
You will realise this when you start doing this.
If you are running late, you will feel bad.
Day off, you will have to text etc.
It is another whole dimension to your own schedule.
Do not dismiss it or down play it as nothing.
It is huge.
Your SIL sounds like a nice woman.
If she returns to work, your contribution will be priceless.
Ask any working woman.

@billy1966 ah I know what you mean but I don't see it as a problem as I'm practically doing the same thing (except I'm dropping my DS off rather than picking hers up) we only live 5/6 mins from each other and on the way to school. I usually get to school for 8.45 anyway. One of my colleagues does it and it's no bother. If I book a day off I'll have to let her know in advance yes...but I usually book them in advance anyway.

It sounds like a lovely arrangement

Sorry I posted too soon
It sounds like a lovely arrangement which suits both of you.
What could be nicer childcare wise than being cared for by a caring relative ?
Roughly how much has she lost out on by not minding ?
A voucher or an envelope with cash and a thank you note in it would be a nice gesture.
Are you in Ireland ?

She’s been reaping the benefit of not declaring her income and now can’t access help available to people in her situation. Sorry, that’s her own bad luck.

I would give her a couple of hundred pound as a retainer to say thanks and you appreciate her income has dropped. Particularly if your income is the same and Dhs is only down 20%. Like that risk I dunks said, we will be remembered during this time by our small acts of kindness

@LadyEloise I pay her 30 per day so in a full week it's €150

And @LadyEloise yes we are in Ireland 💕

Rishi Sunak, not risk I dunks 😂

@longtimecomin 🤣 I didn't even notice that!

@longtimecomin
Just call him Dishy Rishi - my DDs do!

DC's school closed from 13th March here in Ireland so from then until early June it is 11 - 2 = 9 weeks ( minus 2 for Easter holidays ).
If you teach in a primary school you will be working almost another month. So approx 12 weeks x 150 so she has lost out on €1800 approximately.
Have you been teaching while minding your ds ?
I'd definitely give a gift voucher - One4All or similar.
The lady who cleans for me isn't coming to our house as dh and two of the dc are slightly immunocompromised and we don't want to take a risk but we are paying her as it is our choice that she doesn't come.

@LagunaBubbles I don't think you can pay either unless they are registered
Either way it is cash in hand however you look at it which is illegal , not saying I wouldn't do it under these circumstances but it's no different to than paying your builder cash to get job done cheaper
Personally as it's been a long time I would probably pay her a small token just as this arrangement also suits you , if she decides to not do it when you go back and you have to send to nursery or a childminder you will be lucky to find one where you don't have to pay school hols or sick days

Just seen not uk so mostly have advised assuming you were
If your sil was to not have your child when you go back would you have to pay school hols sick days in your country if using nursery or childminder of so is it not worth giving a small token as be cheaper in long run or if you ds is allowed to go there maybe pay her to have him once a week or half a day so he continues being used to going and to give you a catch up day!!

@LadyEloise yes I have been teaching (however not real time, which helps!) I do most of my work in the evening for the next day and then I do some during nap time or when dh is home.

I think it's a bit mean not to offer her something tbh.

As a teacher, you are still getting paid although I understand that your dh's income has dropped.

She was obviously fine about forgoing payment for the odd sickness day, or for the entirely planned and expected school holidays, but now it is likely to be September before you need her again, she's feeling the pinch.

Maybe think about how much money she's saved you, and how happy your ds is with his cousins. If she decided not to resume in September, would alternative provision be as good?

If you offered her 50% you'd still be making a good saving. I'd have had a conversation by now tbh.

I would offer a token payment like the equivalent of a,days,wages a week. I wouldn't offer more if your household income has gone down and hers has only gone down by what you normally pay her. Or as you said just get her a little present to say thank you. Certainty don't need to feel bad, it's an agreement that benefited you both and presumably will start again at some point.

@basketcase it is actually illegal to take payment for looking after a child for more than 2 hours a day and not be a qualified and registered childminder

She’s already explained that they aren’t in the UK!

I don't think you have to pay. She may look after your child but she is not actually a childminder. It's not a business. She hasn't even mentioned it. Reiterate the agreement to your DH that you don't normally pay if he doesn't go to SIL

I'm the sil in your post. Our agreement is the same as yours and I certainly wouldnt expect any money at the moment. I always considered it expenses my payment.