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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay SIL?

181 replies

basketcase1 · 11/06/2020 08:57

Basically...SIL is my childminder, she is a Sahm since her 2 dc were born. When I had my ds I was going to put him in nursery and she offered to have him daily and I would pay her a fee. This fee was only payable when he went (so if he was sick- no payment, and during holidays - no payment) I am a teacher so it worked really well for us! I paid her cash ( so it was extra cash for her and it was much cheaper for me!)

When all of this Covid 19 kicked off, schools were shut and now I am home. I am managing with DS at home as he is 18months and still naps. Obviously, now that I am home I don't need childcare so I wasn't paying SIL (as per agreement). All fine, but now dh is saying (even though his pay has been reduced) that we need to pay SIL something as this has been going on too long! They are not hard up as such, her dh is in banking and is still working.
SIL has never mentioned anything to me...so imo all is fine and the agreement we had still stands- no attendance = no pay!
DH is becoming adamant and is bringing it up daily at this rate.
So...AIBU to not pay her!??

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 12/06/2020 17:47

@totalinsomniac I doubt that counts for family.

LellyMcKelly · 12/06/2020 17:56

Let your DH sort it out. It’s his child and his sister. If he wants to pay her that’s his business.

totalinsomniac · 12/06/2020 18:14

@sometimeswinning yes same rules apply family or no family

Sometimeswinning · 12/06/2020 18:30

Family members do not have to be registered. Payment is a grey area and in most cases can be considered expenses. The only thing my ds cant do is pay me with childcare vouchers.

LovelyIssues · 12/06/2020 18:40

@billy1966 totally agree. I do something similar and currently not being paid as I'm not doing the job. Not even thought about still asking for money Confused your husband sounds like a nob

jannier · 12/06/2020 18:41

@Tanith.
She is not a childminder....she is unregistered uninsured untrained and not paying tax. She is unregistered childcare. Families are allowed to do this but she is not a childminder.

Dishwashersaurous · 12/06/2020 18:42

It’s against the law to pay someone for childcare who isn’t registered

jannier · 12/06/2020 18:43

OP I think you should offer her something...reduced payment based on the percentage reduction in your combined household income.
Maybe your oh knows they are struggling

Localocal · 12/06/2020 18:45

I think if you are still working and collecting your salary it would be reasonable to pay her some of hers. Maybe half? If I were the SIL I wouldn't be expecting anything, but it might keep the peace with DH if you asked her if she wanted to do half days for half pay.

MeridianB · 12/06/2020 18:51

Sounds like a classic case of women having a great arrangement and a man coming along and overthinking a load of problems into it. Grin

Olsi109 · 12/06/2020 18:58

Absolutely not. If she was legit and paying tax on her income rather than tax dodging she’d have received help from the government. It is illegal to work as a childminder (look after children for money, even grandparents) if you are not registered unless it’s a baby sitter.

Original poster
basketcase1 · 12/06/2020 18:59

@Olsi109 @Dishwashersaurous we sent in the U.K. it is legal where we are to mind up to 3 children in your home without being registered.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 12/06/2020 19:12

Have the people accusing the SIL of being unqualified missed the fact that she is a qualified nurse?

And on the 'tax dodging' front, are you also unaware of the concept of a personal, tax free allowance?

Jeez. RTFT people.

runrabbitrunrunrun · 12/06/2020 19:13

Surely that’s an income that you shouldn’t be paying in cash?!?
If you did things legally then she’d be able to claim self employed support instead of you having to pay her.

Tanith · 12/06/2020 19:14

@jannier Yes, I know. She isn't in the UK. Those facts weren't established when I made my first post; I qualified it with my second post.
There's not much advice we can give.

WorraLiberty · 12/06/2020 19:20

@basketcase1

And now upon reading I am shocked that you can't have this arrangement in the U.K... they really do try their best to make it hard for families to help each other out don't they!!😮
People up and down the country pay family/friends to mind their kids while they work and have done since the year dot.

It's only on Mumsnet this 'never happens' and given some of the replies, you can see why people don't admit to it.

lazyarse123 · 12/06/2020 19:28

How difficult is it for people to read the thread ff? If the op had £1 for every time someone said "it's ilegal" she could buy her sil a fantastic gift.

FelicisNox · 12/06/2020 19:41

Just tell your DH you're not interested in his imaginings and the agreement is between you and SIL not him and BIL and that the pair of them need to butt out.

No childcare, no payment. Period.

As for other MN whittering on about registered childminders and taxes: also butt out.

We are all allowed to have personal arrangements re: childcare. I did it for years. Yes, it's circumnavigating the tax man. No I don't care.

The government gets quite enough in taxes as it is IMO. They tax our wages, our houses, our cars, our inheritance and when we die there are estate duties to pay.

N0tJustY0ga · 12/06/2020 20:46

@basketcase1

Has SIL spoke to DH on the side and not said anything??

An agreement is an agreement. Can’t change the goal post just because it doesn’t her.

I would look into more why DH is so adamant. More to it then meets the eye.

claireyjs · 12/06/2020 20:55

Not a legally allowed arrangement therefore no obligation to pay and shes lucky she hadn't got on trouble!

Original poster
basketcase1 · 12/06/2020 20:58

@claireyjs we're not in the U.K. so it is perfectly legal please RTFT

OP posts:
Original poster
basketcase1 · 12/06/2020 21:01

@N0tJustY0ga no, he just got caught up in her statement about the plumber and costs like I said upthread. I have ordered a lovely custom made bracelet for her from my DS and I have a voucher from me to thank her. I won't be back to school until September so it the least I could do. Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 12/06/2020 21:12

Wow people are spouting so much incorrect information on this thread it's ridiculous. I understand OP isn't in the UK but in the UK it is NOT illegal for a relative to be paid for childcare. There is no requirement for them to register to care for a relatives child and be paid for it. The SIL should technically be declaring the earnings to HMRC tho (if they were in the UK). There are no clauses for under 8s/over 8s or 2 hours etc. Not when you're caring for a relatives child

N0tJustY0ga · 12/06/2020 21:12

@basketcase1

Do you think SIL mentioned the plumber costs because she knew how DH would react?

I’m just playing devils advocate. Not saying what I’ve suggested is true.....but it might be be.

My husband is the type of person that automatically helps damsels in distress. His younger (married) sister plays on this. I don’t mind the small stuff.....but if it’s about money.

Money in which he should be first and foremost using for his own family. I do say something. It’s difficult.....but I have to remind him, his responsibility is to our children first.

LadyEloise · 12/06/2020 21:26

basketcase1
Those gifts sound lovely.

How may posters didn't rtft and keep stating it's illegal when it's not -in Ireland.
Does my head in.Hmm

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