Firstly 
to you and the person you care about. You’re speaking from a very personal perspective with a weighty emotional burden on behalf of your loved one and of course that will inform the words you use and the arguments you make for your position. I am speaking from my lived experiences and the weighty emotional burden of generations of women who have gone before and will come after, including my mother, myself and my daughters. My very personal perspective is no less powerful a motivation, nor any less valid, than yours. And sadly, there will always be some tension between the two positions, and between the rights of various groups and individuals existing within them. That is how rights and protections work: It is a balancing act.
I obviously do not agree with nor endorse any of those threatening, violent and abusive actions. I can’t comment on the specifics of each case because I wasn’t there and don’t know the context, and I wouldn’t wish to pronounce on something that isn’t in my direct experience. I also can’t make any in depth comment on the overall factors that might have played into it because I don’t know the sex or the chosen gender of that person, which does also have some bearing on where I would go in the broader discussion. But let me just say straight out that of course no one should face abuse or violence or intimidation simply by virtue of how they choose to present.
I’m also sure you realise that in fact many people who say they are feminist or think they are feminist are no such thing. Thus they absolutely don’t speak for me, we don’t stand together and I have nothing to do with their individual acts or behaviours.
And secondly, going back to the original discussion, women as a class come at life, from each individual experience right up to their cumulative life experience, from an extremely precarious position, far more dangerous to them than that of men as a class, and for that reason if they feel it necessary to protect their own interests with firm, angry, challenging voices and actions, that must always be okay. Whether that is in higher level discussion, or right down in the grassroots of life, where, yes, those words and actions might potentially be hurtful to individuals.
I’m sure you understand that there are many cases where it is right and valid for women and girls to be able to challenge who is in their space and why they are there. I’m sure that might painful for those who mean no harm. But women have a right to be safe. And since women are by far the most vulnerable class which is most often subjected to violence and rape, I will always argue for their right to be vocal and open about perceived threat, with an absolute right to challenge it.
No one has claimed that no individual women are abusive, violent or otherwise, that is clearly a ridiculous thing to say. But as we are having this discussion on feminist issues here and the class of men vs. the class of women in this specific arena it absolutely is not right to make the assertion you did. I do not appreciate my position in this discussion being likened to, and in fact straight out stated to be the literal and moral equivalent of the violent, abusive and dangerous agenda which I am against and which I challenge on behalf of women and vulnerable people of both sexes and gender identities on a daily basis. It is extremely offensive to the women here, who are not the women who said and did those things. Do not set me up as being for something which I am not in any way supportive of nor in any way implicated in simply by virtue of being a woman who is a feminist. We are not a hive mind, we do not all automatically stand together.
I have totally lost track of what I’m saying. Hopefully it makes some sense.
Again, as I’ve stated elsewhere, I always come into this discussion with the utmost compassion for anyone who is on the other side who is legitimately suffering. That pain absolutely is acknowledged.