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AIBU?

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Original poster

Night shift working DH - aibu to expect some help

148 replies

Tryingmybest1000 · 10/06/2020 20:41

So before I start I am going to say I know working night shifts is hard, I have done forms of shift work in my life (more very early starts rather than full night shifts though!) So I cut Dh some slack

Dh and I both work full time, I work normal office hours (currently from home due to the current situation, and also in consultation for redundancy - probably adding to my stress levels at the moment!) Dh works a variety of shifts, but predominantly nights. 1 dd(4)

Dh has just started a new week of nights which sees him working from 2200 - 0430, home by 0500.

He has stayed in bed from 0500 this morning, got up to make lunch for himself at 1200, back into bed until half an hour ago to do himself tea.

I have got up at 0530 for a run, got myself ready, woken up dd and taken her to nursery, emptied dishwasher, sorted out two loads of washing (but not put away yet - relevant for later) worked all day including various emotional phone calls with my team who are also at risk and in consultation, taken the bins out, collected dd from nursery, done us dinner, played, fed the pets, showered and put dd to bed.

Dh has now come down stairs and started moaning that nothing has been done (meaning the washing that has not been put away which I will do when I go to bed later, and that the house needs hoovering (which it does but I can't do that while he sleep as I am working and it wakes him up!

When I suggested it would be helpful to either get up a bit earlier to help me out, he stated that I have all day to get stuff done (when I am tip towing around trying notto wake him up) he went on a rant about he has barely had 6 hours sleep and he needs his rest time.

Aibu to expect some help?

OP posts:
DestinationFkd · 10/06/2020 20:47

You are definitely being unreasonable OP.
I work nights and I would tear you a new one if you expected me to do anything domestic.
Have you any idea just how knackered you are on nights?
Would you like to be woken in the middle of the night and be asked to do a domestic chore?
You need to understand that your daytime is his night time and vice versa.

Nicknacky · 10/06/2020 20:49

Hang on, how long has he actually been out of bed?

Teacaketotty · 10/06/2020 20:50

He should be doing some form of housework either when he gets home in the morning or before he leaves for work - whatever works better. It’s not fair you have to do everything while also working yourself.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 10/06/2020 20:52

He's been in bed for around 13 hours? Would he be happy if you went to bed from 11pm to midday, and didn't do any house work?

Obviously working nights means you must just eat, sleep, work, repeat Hmm

Blanca87 · 10/06/2020 20:53

What does he do on his days off? I agree with others he should be doing his fair share and not lording it over you when he gets up. That's cheeky as fuck.

Bringmewineandcake · 10/06/2020 20:53

He had 7 hours sleep....made himself some food...then went back to bed for another 7/8 hours??
I couldn't disagree more with you, DestinationFkd. The OP doesn't just take herself off to bed from 5pm to 9am so why on earth should her "D"H be tolerated in this way?

Standupthisisnotateaparty · 10/06/2020 20:54

I work nights and I would tear you a new one if you expected me to do anything domestic

Wtf they BOTH work full time. Why does this mean that she has to also do ALL the housework. Is it because she had a fanny?

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 10/06/2020 20:55

@DestinationFkd you would be out of my house with your belongings slung after you if you tried to "tear me a new one" for any reason, let alone pulling your weight with chores in the house you live in at the beginning or end of your six and a half hour working day.

DestinationFkd · 10/06/2020 20:55

@Teacaketotty
Have you any idea how knackered you are when you get home from nights?
If I was expected to do household chores when I got home from work I would go mad.
All you want is sleep.
Would you like me to wake you up at say 04.30 in the morning and tell you to crack on with the hoover?
It's exactly the same.

Nicknacky · 10/06/2020 20:55

I work shifts. My late shift finishes at 3am and my nightshift at 7am. Granted, my housework isn’t the best on those days but family life still goes on and I get on with it. Life doesn’t stop.

DestinationFkd · 10/06/2020 20:56

@carterBeatsTheDevil
Trust me, you wouldn't be slinging either me or my belongings anywhere.

Kapps123 · 10/06/2020 20:57

I work permanent nights. I can still manage housework and childcare! And I only need 8 hours sleep ( I never get it)

Teacaketotty · 10/06/2020 20:58

@DestinationFkd

I worked week on week off nights for years so yeah I do - I didn’t expect my DH to sort every other aspect of our family life so I could have a kip for 12+ hours.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 10/06/2020 20:58

Hes being unreasonable, my OH often works nights he would have gone to bed at 5am and got up at 1pm to help with kids/housework and im a sahm so dont even have the added stress of work.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 10/06/2020 20:58

[quote DestinationFkd]@Teacaketotty
Have you any idea how knackered you are when you get home from nights?
If I was expected to do household chores when I got home from work I would go mad.
All you want is sleep.
Would you like me to wake you up at say 04.30 in the morning and tell you to crack on with the hoover?
It's exactly the same.[/quote]
She didn't wake him up. He woke up 15 hours after his shift ended for food. It's the equivalent of OP waking of OP going to bed at 5.30pm and getting up at 8.30am and doing fuck all else.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 10/06/2020 21:00

also i dont tiptoe around just because hes sleeping, i hoover and do anhthing else that needs done but hes a very heavy sleeper and not much wakes him

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 10/06/2020 21:01

Well he shouldn't be kicking off about the mess, that's unreasonable, but I do nights and it's awful, so I am sympathetic to him. Your sleep quality during the day is just nowhere near what it is at night, so it just saps your energy. Honestly when I'm working nights I do nothing around the house until I'm back on days. I batch cook beforehand so we don't all starve and then I just go from bed to work and back again. If my DP started asking me to do the hoovering I would not be very happy.

Lougle · 10/06/2020 21:01

Am I reading correctly that it's a 6½ hour night shift? It's hardly a full night shift, is it? If he's home by 0500, even 8 hours sleep only takes you to 3pm.

If you did a 6½ shift in the day time, you wouldn't expect to have 14 hours in bed! I understand nights (I've been a nurse doing 12½ hour nights, 4 shifts in a row) but even still!!

ScarfLadysBag · 10/06/2020 21:02

@DestinationFkd So what do people who live alone do? Live in shitholes because they can't be expected to do any domestic stuff? Confused Working nights is tough. I used to do it. But it doesn't absolve you of doing other things that you have a responsibility for.

wowbutter · 10/06/2020 21:03

I used to work nights.
I did 21.30-7.30am.
I came home and was "on" helped with breakfast, dressing etc. School run.
Home for a shower, meal, and to bed. I slept roughly 10am-6pm. Got up at 6 and helped with bedtime etc.

Look at it if you reverse the 24 hour clock. He is working, what, 10am-5pm? Yeah mate he should be contributing.

No, it's not fun, but I did four days on, four off, and got paid double than the day shifters.

Lollypop4 · 10/06/2020 21:04

My DP has also just started nights 22.00pm-07.00am, 3 nights a week, he also has a buisness that is currently seeing him do 3 days 10am-5pm.
I know how hard he works, I know how hard nights shifts are but just him cleaning up the dishes hes used or putting the odd load of washing will help.
We have 4 DC, I am a ft SAHM though.
DP support would be helpful,

But , your DP is incredibly selfish and lazy !!!!!

DestinationFkd · 10/06/2020 21:06

If they live alone then they're not making much mess as they're either at work or in bed, much thy same as dayshift workers.
They clean what little mess they make on days off @ScarfLadysBag

BlingLoving · 10/06/2020 21:06

I'm willing to cut him some slack because night shifts are hard. BUT... he's taking the piss. To be in bed for 14 hours and do nothing else AND to complain because you haven't put clothes away?

He is being massively unreasonable.

ScarfLadysBag · 10/06/2020 21:08

Bollocks. I feel sorry for anyone you live with. Seems you've found a convenient way to be a lazy mare.

Most adults have to work and also do domestic stuff and look after their children regardless of what hours they work. Given he has spent 15 hours in bed I'm sure he can manage to drag his arse out of bed and do some housework/see his daughter. And at least have the decency to be grateful OP has done every bloody thing else as well as also working so he is able to stew in his pit for 15 hours.

I worked nights for seven years and was never an entitled arsehole.

wingingit987 · 10/06/2020 21:09

Duck that. My partner works nights. Sometimes he works 12 hours finishes at 6. Then is up by 130 so I can go to work. He still takes turns making tea and helping tidy up. Just like he would if he was on days. I never ask him get up
early on a weekend as he struggles to sleep. So then I always ask him to be up and ready by 815 the latest. And I only work 3 days a week. Maybe harsh but it's team work.