Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Night shift working DH - aibu to expect some help

148 replies

Tryingmybest1000 · 10/06/2020 20:41

So before I start I am going to say I know working night shifts is hard, I have done forms of shift work in my life (more very early starts rather than full night shifts though!) So I cut Dh some slack

Dh and I both work full time, I work normal office hours (currently from home due to the current situation, and also in consultation for redundancy - probably adding to my stress levels at the moment!) Dh works a variety of shifts, but predominantly nights. 1 dd(4)

Dh has just started a new week of nights which sees him working from 2200 - 0430, home by 0500.

He has stayed in bed from 0500 this morning, got up to make lunch for himself at 1200, back into bed until half an hour ago to do himself tea.

I have got up at 0530 for a run, got myself ready, woken up dd and taken her to nursery, emptied dishwasher, sorted out two loads of washing (but not put away yet - relevant for later) worked all day including various emotional phone calls with my team who are also at risk and in consultation, taken the bins out, collected dd from nursery, done us dinner, played, fed the pets, showered and put dd to bed.

Dh has now come down stairs and started moaning that nothing has been done (meaning the washing that has not been put away which I will do when I go to bed later, and that the house needs hoovering (which it does but I can't do that while he sleep as I am working and it wakes him up!

When I suggested it would be helpful to either get up a bit earlier to help me out, he stated that I have all day to get stuff done (when I am tip towing around trying notto wake him up) he went on a rant about he has barely had 6 hours sleep and he needs his rest time.

Aibu to expect some help?

OP posts:

Cadent · 11/06/2020 08:07

@DestinationFkd you would be out of my house with your belongings slung after you if you tried to "tear me a new one" for any reason, let alone pulling your weight with chores in the house you live in at the beginning or end of your six and a half hour working day

Agreed @CarterBeatsTheDevil

boredtotears11 · 11/06/2020 08:22

If I’d been working nights I’d appreciate my partner making me some tea. It should work both ways.

DoorbellsSleighbellsSchnitzel · 11/06/2020 08:38

So he's in bed by 5am, and doesn't need to be back at work until 2200? Yanbu. If it were we working that I'd expect to be up around lunchtime, and being a functioning member of the household for a good few hours.
I currently work 1800-0600, and get up around 2pm.

ExplodingCarrots · 11/06/2020 08:49

He's taking the absolute piss OP. My DH works 12 hour night shifts, 6:30 - 6:30 and he's always up by 1pm. He spends the next couple of hours mucking in, doing the school run (pre lockdown) , garden maintenance etc . His job is very physical too and he can get very tired .

Not once in our 13 years has he asked why I havnt done anything because he doesn't believe it's only my job. I voluntarily do that bit more when he's on nights because I know how tough they are.

Minimumstandard · 11/06/2020 08:55

His side of the bargain is to work nights to earn money- he has every right to tell you if he feels your cooking is not up to scratch or you are not spending enough time cleaning the bathroom or the DC's pyjamas haven't been ironed or whatever, as you are then not fulfilling your side of the bargain- to take care of the home while he goes out to work.

Ha ha! Has to be a wind-up...

The only 'issue' with the housework/childcare is that, despite you both working, he is not doing his fair share of it. Tell him being a skivvy for him was never your life ambition.

UnfinishedSymphon · 11/06/2020 09:02

My DP regularly works nights and he always makes the dinner as he's home and I'm at work, he will also do any bits and bobs that need doing cleaning wise. When he's working days I usually make the dinner as I'm home first and I do any bits and bobs that need doing.

Working nights doesn't make him exempt from doing fuck all else, he's being a lazy bastard

Giespeace · 11/06/2020 09:03

If he wants a little wifey at home all day lovingly polishing the skirting boards and ironing his pants he’s going to have to man the fuck up and get a full time job to pay for it isn’t he?
What an arrogant, entitled prick!

Hollywhiskey · 11/06/2020 09:03

My mum was a nurse when I was growing up. She did 10pm to 7 am working with very sick patients in their homes and would be home late if they died around finishing time as she had to arrange undertakers etc.
She used to come home, have breakfast with us and take us to school while my dad commuted to his finance job. She went home and slept until 2.30 so like five hours and then got back up to do the school run, dinner and bedtime. My dad got home when he got home because he might have entertaining or something to do. She would have his dinner ready.
As we got older she used to nap on the sofa in the evenings and we weren't allowed to disturb her.

Singinghollybob · 11/06/2020 10:17

Your husband couldn't be any more unreasonable!! I understand how night shifts are difficult and you do need decent day time sleep. But he is massively taking the piss and I wouldn't accept it.

NovemberDecember · 11/06/2020 13:05

It's not about having a nice little wifey @giespeace. It's a partnership- my DH works long hours in a difficult and demanding career, I work part time in school admin.

So DH's role is to go out to work, mine is to keep the house looking clean, make sure meals are made (including for DH arriving home from work) and yes, to iron the DC's pyjamas.

Ironing pyjamas may seem ridiculous but it is about our values as a family. MIL believes that not ironing pyjamas is a clear sign of lack of aspiration and lazy parenting in a family. So, DH expects them to be ironed as a sign of the high expectations we have in the family.

Just like any partnership, one side has the right to tell the other if there are issues. So if DH was not attending work, I'd be having words. Equally, if DH (or the OP's DH) feels that the housework is not being done to the required standard, he has a right to tell me.

Nicknacky · 11/06/2020 13:11

NovemberDecember If he is so disappointed as to the standard of the housework, then he can do it himself.

It might suit your household for you to do everything but that shouldn’t be the norm. And life is far to short to iron pyjamas.

understandmenow · 11/06/2020 13:12

It's not about having a nice little wifey @giespeace. It's a partnership- my DH works long hours in a difficult and demanding career, I work part time in school admin.

The OP works longer hours that her DH

So DH's role is to go out to work, mine is to keep the house looking clean, make sure meals are made (including for DH arriving home from work) and yes, to iron the DC's pyjamas.

This attitude went out in the 1950s, do you put a nice dress on for him as well - not envy

Who gives a fuck what your MIL thinks, you're being brainwashed by a ridiculous set of archaic standards! Do you not have the ability to think for yourself or has that been drummed out of you by your awful husband? You're going to pass this onto your children and they are lot going to have healthy relationships either.

He doesn't actually , it's really not a good or healthy relationship that you're in! Also the OP works full time so why the fuck would she be doing all the housework when the lazy DH sleeps 13 hours a day?

I honestly thought this kind of nonsense was left in the 1950s, clearly not!

Minimumstandard · 11/06/2020 13:14

Ironing pyjamas may seem ridiculous but it is about our values as a family.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! This just gets better and better....We don't even bother folding pyjamas in this house...Just take them off the laundry heap.

MIL believes that not ironing pyjamas is a clear sign of lack of aspiration and lazy parenting in a family.

Stockholm syndrome. It's clearly time to go NC/LC.

avacadooo · 11/06/2020 13:14

@understandmenow I think @novemberdecember would be utterly horrified to know an iron has not graced my child's clothes at all and certainly not his pjs.😂
Think they'd be shocked to know dh has done more nappy changes than I have this week.

TwilightPeace · 11/06/2020 13:16

@DestinationFkd is clearly a man, and a lazy one at that 😂 OPs husband perhaps?

avacadooo · 11/06/2020 13:19

@novemberdecember is your real name dobby the house elf?
Apologies for my god awful lazy parenting but I'm not ironing clothes for a 10 month old baby. I mean ffs I feed the child and keep him clean but I must be a shit mum for not ironing creases into his wee pjs.

Op for the record finished work at 8:30 today and got home at 9, this is me up for the day! 12.5 hour shift tell dh to woman up!

understandmenow · 11/06/2020 13:21

@avacadooo what sort of a wife are you?? You're one of those new fangled modern wives that Woman's Own have been featuring aren't you!

Your DH changes nappies, I've never ever heard of such a ridiculous concept.

It won't end well I tell you.

lyralalala · 11/06/2020 13:22

@NovemberDecember

It's not about having a nice little wifey *@giespeace*. It's a partnership- my DH works long hours in a difficult and demanding career, I work part time in school admin.

So DH's role is to go out to work, mine is to keep the house looking clean, make sure meals are made (including for DH arriving home from work) and yes, to iron the DC's pyjamas.

Why are you putting your values on the OP? Your DH works long hours, you work part time. The OP works more hours than her DH, and does everything at home, and has been dealing with all the childcare.

Surely in a partnership it should be the OP getting pissed off with her lazy prick DH?

Not only is he doing fuck loads less than her, but he's also moaning about the standard of what she is doing.

Mittens030869 · 11/06/2020 13:43

Your DH changes nappies, I've never ever heard of such a ridiculous concept.

Hmmm, I remember being very unimpressed when a preacher at our church boasted that he could count on one hand the number of times he'd changed his children's nappies (the children were adults by then).

I did do most of the nappy changing when our DDs were small, but that was because I was a SAHM and my DH worked full-time. When he was at home, he was perfectly happy to change nappies when required.

(I realise you were joking. There are some very 1950s ideas on this thread, though.

Minimumstandard · 11/06/2020 13:51

avacadooo You make your husband change nappies? Insurrection! You need to acknowledge his superior male authority - he can't possibly be asked to do menial tasks like (whisper it!) taking care of his own child. The menz must be respected because well, you know, well you know, they have a....

And why are you posting on Mumsnet when you should be ironing his pyjamas?

Truly shocking! What is the matter with women these days? That's what comes of teaching them to read.

Giespeace · 11/06/2020 13:57

It's not about having a nice little wifey @giespeace. It's a partnership- my DH works long hours in a difficult and demanding career, I work part time in school admin.

How lovely for you. OP works longer hours than her twat of a husband though so your domestic set up doesn’t really apply.

If he wants her to have time to iron fucking pyjamas he will have to relieve her of money earning duties (and convince her that this is a worthwhile way to spend her one and only life).

Minimumstandard · 11/06/2020 14:00

convince her that this is a worthwhile way to spend her one and only life

YABU. I'm sure on my deathbed, @Giespeace, I will look back and say, "You know what, never mind sleeping or watching trashy TV, I wish I'd spent more time ironing DH/DC's pyjamas".

Cadent · 11/06/2020 14:03

@NovemberDecember you will have a rude awakening if you get divorced (God forbid) and you've helped DH to have his career and leaving you with no skills.

avacadooo · 11/06/2020 14:05

It gets worse @minimumstandard @Mittens030869 not only does he change nappies but I'm currently having a bath while he prepares lunch for us...😱😱😱

Should he LTB? Pretty sure in @NovemberDecember 's world this counts as abuse having a man prepare food in his unironed clothes while one relaxes in the tub.
Might even force the poor man to play with his child and do the dishes.

Mittens fil was one of those men who never changed a nappy, mil is still horrified by dh changing a bum but when we both contributed to the making of that bum so it's 50/50 on its upkeep!

FixTheBone · 11/06/2020 14:10

Is he on permanent nights or is this one week on a rota?

If it's permanent then you should have a discussion about him gradually adjusting his living cycles to fit in a share of the house work.

If it's a week in every 12, I think it's unfair. I've done intermittent nights since 2005 (doctor) and the adjustment period is extremely significant - for a full week of nights it took me at least 2-3 days to get into a pattern where I was able to function at night and sleep during the day - before I was used to it, it took 5 or 6 days, during the adjustment period, you dont ever hit deep sleep, you lack energy because your mealtimes dont match your metabolism, I needed at least 10 hours a day sleeping to make up and remain functional (my shifts were longer though, 12 hours), on day shifts I generally only need 6 hours sleep a night.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6