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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Night shift working DH - aibu to expect some help

148 replies

Tryingmybest1000 · 10/06/2020 20:41

So before I start I am going to say I know working night shifts is hard, I have done forms of shift work in my life (more very early starts rather than full night shifts though!) So I cut Dh some slack

Dh and I both work full time, I work normal office hours (currently from home due to the current situation, and also in consultation for redundancy - probably adding to my stress levels at the moment!) Dh works a variety of shifts, but predominantly nights. 1 dd(4)

Dh has just started a new week of nights which sees him working from 2200 - 0430, home by 0500.

He has stayed in bed from 0500 this morning, got up to make lunch for himself at 1200, back into bed until half an hour ago to do himself tea.

I have got up at 0530 for a run, got myself ready, woken up dd and taken her to nursery, emptied dishwasher, sorted out two loads of washing (but not put away yet - relevant for later) worked all day including various emotional phone calls with my team who are also at risk and in consultation, taken the bins out, collected dd from nursery, done us dinner, played, fed the pets, showered and put dd to bed.

Dh has now come down stairs and started moaning that nothing has been done (meaning the washing that has not been put away which I will do when I go to bed later, and that the house needs hoovering (which it does but I can't do that while he sleep as I am working and it wakes him up!

When I suggested it would be helpful to either get up a bit earlier to help me out, he stated that I have all day to get stuff done (when I am tip towing around trying notto wake him up) he went on a rant about he has barely had 6 hours sleep and he needs his rest time.

Aibu to expect some help?

OP posts:
Redglitter · 10/06/2020 21:12

Hes taking the piss. Hes only working 6.5 days. If hes home in bed for 0500 then getting up at 1pm would be giving 8 hours sleep. Why on earth is he in his bed for over 12 hours - that's ridiculous

Sounds like hes using working nights as an excuse to avoid doing anything.

bloodyhellsbellsx · 10/06/2020 21:16

YANBU! And that first poster sounds like an idiot! And yes I used to do 13hour night shifts, in A&E working 7 nights on 7 nights off so I know all about night shifts and I think your hubby’s attitude is shocking! Nights are not an excuse to do no parental or household tasks!

Boulshired · 10/06/2020 21:18

When you work nights you have to give yourself a sleep window, not spend 15 hours in bed. It’s not good for your body or your sleep. You certainly do not get up and start calling your partner lazy.

Original poster
Tryingmybest1000 · 10/06/2020 21:24

Thank you for the responses

Just to clarify, I am not expecting him to get up in the middle of the day and do all the housework, I know nights are tough and I am happy doing the majority of it when he is on nights. What I get upset about is when I have worked all day, and done what I can around the house and then still be told it's not good enough. I generally do the majority of the household jobs regardless of what shift he is on. He works a week of latest (1300 - 2100) and generally then he stays in bed until 1200 before he goes to work and doesn't do much when he gets home.

I think the current working from home situation is making me realise how much I have been picking up for a while now.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 10/06/2020 21:27

He’s lazy, pure and simpler. And that has nothing to do with his shifts.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 10/06/2020 21:28

I am a lot older than op and I have worked from 9.30 pm to 4 am (6.5 hours) in bed by 4.30 am ish. Depending what is planned for the next day I am either up by 9.30 am or by the latest 12 noon. No way would I stay in bed all day

ButiLoveHim32 · 10/06/2020 21:30

YANBU that's not even a proper night shift! If I was doing that shift I would be up and about by around 12 ish. I'm a nurse so a shift would be 8pm to 8am. I would rush home, do breakfast for kids, school run then home. Quick tidy up, into bed and at school for 2pm pick up. And it's basically the same for all the other nurses with kids. I hardly get a full 8hrs sleep at night, I certainly would never have it after a nightduty. And I've done 3yrs straight of them. I would be furious with him.

Abouttimemum · 10/06/2020 21:33

I work nights as part of my pattern and he’s being absolutely fucking ridiculous. He’s not even doing a full night shift (equating from 8-12 hours on my world).

octobersky19 · 10/06/2020 21:36

@DestinationFkd YABU

he's sleeping more than he's working. He's not seeing his child or doing any housework, how would he cope if he lived alone? Just not do anything because he works nights?

Ridiculous.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 10/06/2020 21:37

Ok with the further context you’ve given it sounds like he is in fact a lazy arse.

copycopypaste · 10/06/2020 21:38

YANBU OP. My dh works from 2am to 5pm most days. He'll still wash up the dinner stuff and make sandwiches for us both before he heads off to bed at around 7.30.

It would take your dh 10 mins to push a hoover round or wash up some pots

Ohtherewearethen · 10/06/2020 21:42

This is outrageous! He works part time shifts while you work full time, plus do all housework, child care, homeschooling and cooking and he has the fucking cheek to stay in bed for 12plus hours a day? And then criticise you for not doing everything up to his standards?! No way. I would not put up with that a minute longer. He'll have to do all his own housework and up to 50% of childcare/homeschooling if you told where to go and he didn't have a maid to do it all for him. As for DestinationFkd - I am very nearly speechless. I don't think nights agree with you love, maybe you need to look for more sociable hours. It might make you a nicer person.

Quartz2208 · 10/06/2020 21:43

You have been picking up everythin and that is still not enough for him

You have a real lazy DH problem

bluebluezoo · 10/06/2020 21:43

He works a week of latest (1300 - 2100) and generally then he stays in bed until 1200 before he goes to work and doesn't do much when he gets home

Lazy arse. My lates are 4-12. I get home at 12.30 and get up for the school run and do the housework while everyone else is out, as dh is at work all day then running all over to swim lessons etc.

Nights I can give some extra slack because they really do mess you up. But he has a choice- either he shuts up about what you haven’t done all day, or he organises himself better and pitches in...

Mittens030869 · 10/06/2020 21:52

YANBU, you're bending over backwards for him when he doesn't even do a full night shift. He has no excuses for not contributing to the household chores or being a parent. He has plenty of time to have enough sleep.

changeuser · 10/06/2020 21:56

@DestinationFkd you could not be more wrong imo
My DP works nights. He also acts like an adult after he has had a fair amount of sleep and contributes to family life.

Jazzled · 10/06/2020 21:59

I did nights. 5.30-12.30 is sufficient enough sleep imo. If necessary an hours nap later in the afternoon. But I definitely don't think yabu

GalwayGrowl · 10/06/2020 22:01

That's not even a full working day! 10-4.30, so 6 hours if he has a break? My DP works 7pm-7am on nights!

Bargebill19 · 10/06/2020 22:03

You aren’t being unreasonable. Dh works nights (I’m on days currently) and around 12 hour shifts. Admittedly we don’t have children, but he still helps out - even just doing the hoovering or getting the washing in helps enormously. Plus he doesn’t whinge about it and can (usually) do what needs doing without being asked.

Hushabusha · 10/06/2020 22:06

How many hours sleep do you get? He should have been the same plus maybe an extra hour and a half to make up for the night shift circadian rhythm thing. Where would that leave him?

Thinkofthekids · 10/06/2020 22:11

What I get upset about is when I have worked all day, and done what I can around the house and then still be told it's not good enough.

He is treating you like an employee...Or a slave. Not an equal. I'd go on strike to demand better working conditions...Or revolt.

FrenchBoule · 10/06/2020 22:11

YANBU

He should help as he’s not doing full shift. 7 hours of sleep then another at least 5 at the top? Comes out of the pit and has the audacity to complain that you were considerate enough to let him sleep instead of banging the hoover around?

Lazy arse.
I’m saying that as a nightshift worker, 12 hours plus another 2 of commuting.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 10/06/2020 22:16

I would tear you a new one if you expected me to do anything domestic. Oh yes let's advocate sexual violence towards a woman asking for a man to do anything domestic.

I've worked nights but didn't stay in bed all day and do fuck all in the house or for my kids. It's pathetic. I bet he wouldn't swap and work full time plus all childcare plus all domestic duties would he.

x2boys · 10/06/2020 22:23

That's a short night shift and he's having a very long sleep ,when I was a nurse my night shift was from 8-45pm - 7_45 am and I was lucky to get 5 hrs sleep ,it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to get up at 3 or 4 pm bearing in mind he's in bed for 5 am

AutumnColours9 · 10/06/2020 22:24

My ex was like this. It was a pattern. I had to practically beg him to get up after a full day in bed. Things are no different with him not here. That speaks volumes!!

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