Night shift working DH - aibu to expect some help

[Tryingmybest1000]

So before I start I am going to say I know working night shifts is hard, I have done forms of shift work in my life (more very early starts rather than full night shifts though!) So I cut Dh some slack

Dh and I both work full time, I work normal office hours (currently from home due to the current situation, and also in consultation for redundancy - probably adding to my stress levels at the moment!) Dh works a variety of shifts, but predominantly nights. 1 dd(4)

Dh has just started a new week of nights which sees him working from 2200 - 0430, home by 0500.

He has stayed in bed from 0500 this morning, got up to make lunch for himself at 1200, back into bed until half an hour ago to do himself tea.

I have got up at 0530 for a run, got myself ready, woken up dd and taken her to nursery, emptied dishwasher, sorted out two loads of washing (but not put away yet - relevant for later) worked all day including various emotional phone calls with my team who are also at risk and in consultation, taken the bins out, collected dd from nursery, done us dinner, played, fed the pets, showered and put dd to bed.

Dh has now come down stairs and started moaning that nothing has been done (meaning the washing that has not been put away which I will do when I go to bed later, and that the house needs hoovering (which it does but I can't do that while he sleep as I am working and it wakes him up!

When I suggested it would be helpful to either get up a bit earlier to help me out, he stated that I have all day to get stuff done (when I am tip towing around trying notto wake him up) he went on a rant about he has barely had 6 hours sleep and he needs his rest time.

Aibu to expect some help?

@avacadooo. What is it with all you upstart wifeys expecting your husbands not only to go out to work but also help with menial tasks around the house and spend time with their own children?

A man's job is to bring home the bread and butter. A good wife should have his slippers waiting with a mug of hot cocoa and neatly ironed pyjamas. Any children, naturally, should be in bed so the husband can enjoy a peaceful evening with his wife hovering to meet his needs and not distracted by the pesky little brutes.

And if she works as well? Full-time? Looks after children/has other responsibilities? Then you obviously haven't heard the old saying (totally appropriate here, and a lesson for all you good-for-nothing floozies lazing around while your husbands toil):

'A man may work from sun to sun/A woman's work is never done'.

I'd suggest that if he's in bed for 14 hours and only managing to sleep for 6 of them, his routine isn't working for him or for you.

Perhaps he has not done enough to knacker him out and a bit of housework would help him sleep better?

I would also be very offended if I'd had a full day of work and looking after children and my other half got out of bed to criticise me. Yanbu.

@Minimumstandard ahem, you've forgotten to say that wifey needs to get changed into a nice clean dress!

Honestly some of you are a disgrace!

@FixTheBone whatever pattern of nights he's on, the OP is doing more than her fair share and the DH has no right to criticise.

I have to say I don't think dressing nicely and making yourself look good is just about making your DH happy. Personally, I couldn't abide living in a house with people lazing around in creased pyjamas or tracksuit bottoms eating dinner in front of the TV!

It's about standards and expectations and neither DH or I would want to see ourselves or the DC wearing sportswear or nightwear in the house- it inculcates a culture of laziness and lack of effort.

Ironing PJs might be aspirational according to some weirdo but studies show that girls who see their fathers doing household chores have a wider range of aspirations in terms of careers. They are more ambitious.

But why would a woman want a career @MrsTerryPratchett , you're talking like you live in 2020.

I would expect dh to be up by 5.30pm. Entertain dc while I cook tea. Then put dc to bed

It's about standards and expectations and neither DH or I would want to see ourselves or the DC wearing sportswear or nightwear in the house- it inculcates a culture of laziness and lack of effort.

Did your MIL tell you to think that @NovemberDecember?

Personally, I couldn't abide living in a house with people lazing around

Again, lovely for you. Again, the only person lazing around in the OPs husband is the poor sod, burdened as he is by his penis, she calls her husband. OP is running around like a blue arsed fly doing every bloody thing. He’s no partner that’s for sure.

Also, get a t shirt and some leggings for the house. Unclench. Relax a little. I’m sure you will enjoy it.

• in the OPs house 😒

neither DH or I would want to see ourselves or the DC wearing sportswear or nightwear in the house

Completely agree. I wear cocktail dresses in the house at all times. Pyjamas/nighties are for country walks and trips to Waitrose. Standards must be maintained.

DC (2.5) agrees too. He has such high standards, he doesn't really like wearing any clothes in the house at the moment. Nothing he owns (mostly sportswear and nightwear) is smart enough for him. So he just runs round naked a lot of the time. We have ordered a suit, but it hasn't come yet.

10 pm to 430am is a very short shift!! I am RN and night shifts are 12 hours !! He definitely should be helping you IMO .

True @understandmenow

What was I thinking?

Your husband is a dick!
Does he even see the kids when he's doing all his sleeping?

He is being a lazy git. The world doesn't stop when you work nights, been there, done that. If he doesn't do anything, don't shop or cook for him or do his laundry or anything else for him. I had to do that with my exh. Took him a while to notice but it worked. He is being incredibly unreasonable expecting you do to do everything Yes, nights are tiring but if he can't cope tell him to get another job because you're not his housekeeper

@understandmenow I can't imagine being that desperate to satisfy my MIL or my DM for that matter. Although my MIL is quite happy to come downstairs in her dressing gown herself when she comes downstairs for breakfast (shock/horror 🤣) .

YANBU.
I work nights (12.5 hour) shifts. I still have to do the housework and childcare (single parent) when not at work. Housework I leave for my days off. I run dishwasher most days. Cook daily or have leftover days, the odd takeaway.

I assume he doesn't work 7 days a week--yes, he should sharing the chores.

This is bullshit. You're working aswell and doing EVERYTHING! So he what, works and sleeps? In his 'awake' time whilst not working he should be doing household chores aswell just like you are. Wtf. I know someone who works nights, 10pm till 7am, gets up around 2pm and does whatever she needs to do before work again like a normal person. He's taking the piss.

Ironing PJs We don't even iron normal clothes. If it has to be ironed it's not welcome in our home.

Oh I see, it's about 'values'. Our values as a family are that we have some fucking respect for each other, help each other out, don't get our knickers in a twist about pointless shite and don't waste time on nonsense when we could be doing more enjoyable things together. I prefer our values even if our PJs don't have creases in the right place.

@NovemberDecember - actually allowing your MIL and DH to tell you what to think is the epitome of a "culture of laziness and lack of effort". Wake up and engage your won brain for a change....

@NovemberDecember - I don't know whether to laugh at your brainwashed form of snobbery or pity you. Did you 'marry up' when you married your husband? You seem fearful of being found out as not quite good enough in your husband and MIL's eyes. I bet you have unhappy children and they will move closer to their partner's families as soon as they get the chance.
Just for clarity, why, when the OP works full time and her husband part time, do you think it's acceptable for her husband to do absolutely nothing to contribute to the grind of daily life and spend time with his children but only get out of his bed (after 15 hours in it) to criticise what OP has managed to do alone whilst working longer hours than him? Why does that seem acceptable to you in your warped perception of a partnership in 2020?

@ NovemberDecember 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂 Nearly had me believing you there! What a great wind up!

Just in case you are serious- the op’s family have reversed your dynamic. OP does full time paid work for an employer to provide for the family (like your DH) and “D”H works outside of the house just over part time (like you).
Consequently in your scenario the OP the has the right to expect high quality childcare, meals and housework from her partner, the partner has the right to expect her to do her paid work and nothing else.

He's taking the piss...me and my dh work shifts either 06-18 or 18-06...when on nights I come in at 0630 get kids ready for school breakfast etc and sleep from 915-230 and that's what he does when on the night turn!

@Ohtherewearethen

It's not about being brainwashed by MIL- I fully share her opinion that there are certain indicators of a lack of aspiration and sophistication that we should strive to avoid as a family- not ironing pyjamas, wearing leisurewear in the home, eating in front of the television and being attached to mobile phones are a few examples.

It is also important to maintain a clean home as far as possible- not only to welcome visitors, but I also feel it sets the tone for the whole household.

MIL has even been known to inspect relatives' houses from top to bottom looking for mess and lack of cleanliness! She will then report back any concerns to the woman of the home.

In regards to the OP, she is working in a far easier role than her DH, with easier hours, no commute and she is at home all day. She could easily get the housework done in an hour after work and she also has the advantage of being able to use her lunch hour to hoover and throw in a wash. I certainly wouldn't be making my DH's life any more difficult that it has to be- he is upholding his side of the partnership, and the OP should do likewise.