Night shift working DH - aibu to expect some help

[Tryingmybest1000]

So before I start I am going to say I know working night shifts is hard, I have done forms of shift work in my life (more very early starts rather than full night shifts though!) So I cut Dh some slack

Dh and I both work full time, I work normal office hours (currently from home due to the current situation, and also in consultation for redundancy - probably adding to my stress levels at the moment!) Dh works a variety of shifts, but predominantly nights. 1 dd(4)

Dh has just started a new week of nights which sees him working from 2200 - 0430, home by 0500.

He has stayed in bed from 0500 this morning, got up to make lunch for himself at 1200, back into bed until half an hour ago to do himself tea.

I have got up at 0530 for a run, got myself ready, woken up dd and taken her to nursery, emptied dishwasher, sorted out two loads of washing (but not put away yet - relevant for later) worked all day including various emotional phone calls with my team who are also at risk and in consultation, taken the bins out, collected dd from nursery, done us dinner, played, fed the pets, showered and put dd to bed.

Dh has now come down stairs and started moaning that nothing has been done (meaning the washing that has not been put away which I will do when I go to bed later, and that the house needs hoovering (which it does but I can't do that while he sleep as I am working and it wakes him up!

When I suggested it would be helpful to either get up a bit earlier to help me out, he stated that I have all day to get stuff done (when I am tip towing around trying notto wake him up) he went on a rant about he has barely had 6 hours sleep and he needs his rest time.

Aibu to expect some help?

YANBU OP.
I would suggest you divide up chores to ensure you are not left to do everything. Jesus whatever happened to be a team? He’s acting like it’s him verses you. To complain the laundry wasn’t put away. Bloody cheek. He needs to get real. I’m not surprised you are feeling hurt.

Someone called destinationFkd a “mare”. I’m not convinced they’re a woman with that horrible attitude!

Yanbu OP!

To be frank I wouldn't expect a DP working nights to help with household chores, no.

I could sympathise if you were down a Mike during the day, but you are working from home, you have no commute and you are finished by 5pm. Housework is not equivalent to climbing Everest and you could easily get what needs to be done done in less than an hour each evening, and catch up with ironing and hoovering at weekends if necessary.

I certainly wouldn't be adding stress to a partner who is already having to work completely unnatural and difficult hours. Particularly when I could easily get the chores done but am choosing not to.

I also think this idea that a partner cannot comment on the quality of the other's housework is absurd! Part of any healthy relationship is the ability to speak frankly about issues.

His side of the bargain is to work nights to earn money- he has every right to tell you if he feels your cooking is not up to scratch or you are not spending enough time cleaning the bathroom or the DC's pyjamas haven't been ironed or whatever, as you are then not fulfilling your side of the bargain- to take care of the home while he goes out to work.

@NovemberDecember did we rewind to the damn 50’s? Because I’m sure you just said that the OP, after working a full time job, and doing the childcare, and 99% of the housework, should happily take criticism from the dick doing a 3/4 shift then spending 14 hours in bed...

Unbelievable. Really unbelievable.

I work nights and I would tear you a new one if you expected me to do anything domestic.

And if you got up after 13 hours in bed and criticised my work after I had worked a whole day, looked after a child and done most of the housework, the 'new one' I'd rip could be seen from space.

I'm also willing to bet Destination is a bloke. A shit one at that.

His side of the bargain is to work nights to earn money- he has every right to tell you if he feels your cooking is not up to scratch or you are not spending enough time cleaning the bathroom or the DC's pyjamas haven't been ironed or whatever, as you are then not fulfilling your side of the bargain- to take care of the home while he goes out to work.

She works you numpty. And even if she didn't, she's not staff and he's not management. And ironing pyjamas? Are you on glue?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, however nights are tough, the problem is for some reason people are unable to equate time asleep to working days.
I have worked nights most of my life so know what I am talking about. However I wouldn’t go to bed as soon as I got in, giving me sometime to wind down.

My DH does a shift pattern mornings, afters nights sort of thing. 12hr shift. When he’s on nights he leaves at 4pm and gets in at 5am. Even when he gets in at that time he’ll put the washing in or Empty dishwasher on his way to bed if it needs doing. Then gets up
Around 12pm will do stuff around the house. Go for a run etc before going to work again at 4pm. He still contributes fairly to the household regardless of what shift he is on. I work 12 hrs a day too. It has to be fair. Nights in my opinion cannot be a get out of jail free card.

Yanbu because of the fact he had a go at you. After sleeping all day (his night) he should help not complain.

My mum worked nights and my dad did everyone. Worked in the day m, did all the chores, childcare. Everything. 30 years later they’re retired he’s still doing everything and it’s not good for either of them. Tell him it’s fair he sleeps but don’t have a go when you’ve been working so hard!!!

My DH works 8-12 hour nights, finishing at 6am and he's never up much later than 3pm and usually way before that. I'm currently on maternity leave so do the vast majority of the house stuff, just because I'm here to do it, so its usually all done before he wakes up, but before I was home all the time, he would do his share too (and he does now if there's things to be done). So if you're working, I'd expect some help and for him to not stay in bed all day. Yes, nights are hard (I also used to do them!) and the sleep isn't as good quality, but that's not even a long shift. I used to start at 3pm and finish at 4am sometimes and would be up no later than 11am to repeat all over again that day If you've got a family you do have to make sacrifices. It shouldn't be just you making those sacrifices!

Aside from the fact I despise "tear you a new one" hideous. I'm sorry that was your first response to your OP, op.

Think about how much sleep you get, your OH gets the same. Then the rest of the time you divide all the drudgery up between you and spend the rest of the time chilling

Sorry but he needs to get a grip. I do a 12 hour night shift come home and get a couple of hours of sleep then spend the rest of the day with my baby and splitting housework with my husband.
No excuses for sleeping 15 hours when you're a parent, that's only acceptable if your a sloth or a teenager on summer holidays.
Yes it's knackering but so is a 12 hour day shift and having a go for not doing housework is really not on, the nights excuse is bullshit.

I work nights and think he is being absolutely ridiculous! He works a short shift as far as night shift goes. He does not need to be in bed for 15 hours ‘resting’. He would feel much better if he got up and moved about and then had another rest before he left.

Jesus fucking Christ, I despair.
This woman is working and doing everything else while her lazy prick of a husband seems to be having 12 - 13 hours of sleep. Why the hell do you need to sleep until midday if you worked until 9pm the night before?

@DestinationFkd My DH used to work 12hr night shifts. He still did his fair share. I now work away for parts of the week without sleep, and when I get home I do my fair share too. You come across as very aggressive, perhaps you need some more sleep

OP, you should expect more from him. He’s not an equal partner: rights come with responsibilities.

He only worked 6.5 hours!!! Another one who has worked night shift and still functioned as a human being. The guys with families made it work well, they would go home and have breakfast with the kids and take them to school before going to sleep then they’d be up and home with the family in the early evening. If my dh thought it meant he didn’t have to contribute around the house I know where he’s be getting off. For yours to have a go at you... tomorrow id vacuum. In the bedroom, while he’s sleeping, throw some things around noisily and make sure there’s no food for him. He’s not making sure there’s food and washing for you, and he’s not even working a full shift.

@NovemberDecember I think the 1950s are calling you, they want you back immediately!

His side of the bargain is to work nights to earn money- he has every right to tell you if he feels your cooking is not up to scratch or you are not spending enough time cleaning the bathroom or the DC's pyjamas haven't been ironed or whatever, as you are then not fulfilling your side of the bargain- to take care of the home while he goes out to work.

He's working short shifts and not supplying sufficient income to mean his wife doesn't have to work? (If we are having a ridiculous draconian attitude) so where did the OP sign up to be his maid? Why can't he do any domestic jobs?

She also works? Even if it's from home due to a pandemic and you're one of those ridiculous people who think that's not "work" and you can just hop off and vacuum etc, she can't! She may not currently be commuting, but the DH is only commuting 30 mins, hardly stressful is it?

So she's dealing with DD in the morning, dropping off to nursery (same sort of thing as a commute), she's then working 9-5, picking DD up, then the dinner, then the house work, then putting DD to bed (in ironed pjs obs!), then she needs to factor in her 13 hours sleep!

Then his lord and master gets up and starts whinging about "his castle" not being up to scratch!

Honestly next you'll be saying she needs to change into a nice dress for when he gets up because he wouldn't want to see her looking slovenly in jeans!

Geez I thought people like you disappeared by the late 60s!

YANBU OP he's a lazy arse, give him a list of jobs and inspect them when he's done them.

@novemberdecember excellent I'm going to show dh your comment because I can't possibly contribute to child care or housework as a night shift worker.
Or does that just apply to the men?

Hmmm I have a feeling @avacadooo that's not the way it works in @NovemberDecember strange world! In fact it might be asked why you've taken on such an inappropriate position that may mean that your children's PJs don't get ironed?

He's not even doing a full shift yet sleeping so much!
dh works on permanent nights 12-8am. He stays up when he gets home and does stuff (on going home renos, works out, some helping with kids/occasional school, tags along with me for errands some days etc etc). Sleeps 1.30pm - 10.30pm.
It's a balance. But I think your dh is taking advantage.

I think I've heard it all now! @NovemberDecember - seriously, how old are you? You appear to be brainwashed by an attitude that I thought had long since died. Are you in a healthy relationship? Does your husband/master insist that you work full time, do all the housework, all childcare responsibilities then criticise your efforts at cooking/cleaning whilst only working part time himself and spending up to 15 hours in bed and expect you to be happy about that because he earns some money for the family? That sounds like a toxic relationship to me. Thank goodness the vast majority of children aren't being raised in homes where males are kings and females are subservient slaves, only there to please the menfolk. I desperately hope you are not raising children in that environment or in a few years your son will try to treat his partner like that and your daughter won't know that she should expect better. Very sad.

To be honest i think that is really off! Dp works nights, deliberately to work around me, his shifts are 10 until 7 in the morning. One day he will have to look after our ds4 for about six hours until i finish work so he won't actually sleep properly until 5 for maybe 4 hours. His decision as he did leave a job that worked around me and ds much better. Even when i am at home he tends to go to bed at nine and then gets up at three. He will deal with the tea as i do the majority of the housework, its a split thats worked since we started living together

Wow it's 2020, some of the responses here

Your husband needs a reality check. To nothing all day and then criticise would make me quite angry, sounds like you're married to a CF. I'm.not sure how to deal with that level of entitlement. You could write a list but then that rather absolves him of the responsibility to use his initiative and behave as if he's in a partnership.

Whatever you do I would be shutting him down immediately,.everytime he finds fault with your own efforts. I suspect your domestic life would be easier without him.

I worked nights 19.45 - 08.15 for years so I'm well aware of how tiring they can be but life stuff still has to be done.

@NovemberDecember so working a night shift (which by the way I am not denying is harder than a day shift) is such a trump card that it outplays everything else

Even if then OP wasn’t working more hours than him (which she is) nothing ever gives anyone the right to moan about the lack of housework ever when they have in effect done what he did

Given she also works he frankly should be doing more

And really iron pyjamas?