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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end relationship with DP because he rejected my birthday cake

355 replies

Beautifulbirdsong · 10/06/2020 17:27

Been with DP for 3 years, currently separated due to Covid social distancing. It was his birthday last week, spent the day with his children, I accepted it was difficult due to Covid for me to be involved and he said he wouldn't be able to see me separately (it was a work day too). I thought it would be a nice gesture to handmade a large Guinness cake and drop it round along with my present first thing in the morning, so even though I couldn't physically be there I would still be involved in the day (also regardless of what the children did, you can never have enough cake?!?) . I live on the neighbouring street and messaged that I left it on the wall outside (so it would be a nice surprise). Anyway I got a reply 5 hours later asking me to take the cake and present away and bring it back next time it was just the two of us.

This has really upset me and I think shows quite a lot of how little I really matter to him and I want to know if I am being unreasonable to end a good (pre-covid) relationship because of this.

OP posts:
Rubyroost · 10/06/2020 18:19

Yes, ditch the fucker.

What a twat.

Pretenditsaplan · 10/06/2020 18:19

Sounds like his kids werent there his other girlfriend was and he didnt want her to see it

CherrySpritz · 10/06/2020 18:19

@Leaannb

YABU....A business cake is completely inappropriate for children and you tried to interfere with time with his children
Interfere? She made a cake and left it on the wall. For fucks sake!
Mama1980 · 10/06/2020 18:19

That's ridiculous, he behaved very poorly. How ungrateful!
I had a birthday last month, I ended up with 4 birthday cakes dropped round by friends and family. Tbh half went in the bin as we couldn't eat that much cake but I was so touched by the effort people went to.
Saying thank you profusely is the only appropriate reaction.
Is he usually so rude and ungrateful?
What explanation has he offered?

1forAll74 · 10/06/2020 18:19

Ending a relationship because of this,is downright silly. Sometimes you have to put up with things that don't please you, and see another persons view point.

YouMaySayImADreamer · 10/06/2020 18:20

Yanbu and i'd be a bit wtf about the cake! I'm really sorry to suggest this but do you think he js thinking of ending things after lockdown and therefore feels too guilty to accept them now, knowing that you'll possibly be outraged later that he ate your cake?! How has he been during your time apart?

Windyatthebeach · 10/06/2020 18:20

Sounds like you are a big secret op..

Blurpblorp · 10/06/2020 18:21

OP you deserve someone who would see that for the romantic thoughtful gesture that it is. He obviously can't or won't. Also, can I give you my address? Grin

Natashabobasha1 · 10/06/2020 18:22

You may have crossed a boundary and encroached on family time. Ask him!
Is he hiding you?
Do his kids not like you?
Are you guys just not that great together for him to care all that much that you aren't around? Pre covid, ppl went about as business as usual...post covid, people are ready to make serious changes.

Namechanger0800 · 10/06/2020 18:23

How on earth is making a cake interfering with his time with his kids. Some very odd people in this thread. So what if they already had a cake - who's so bloody ungrateful they wouldn't want 2 cakes

I think he was very dismissive and rude and you are right to be hurt and upset. Even if he didn't want the cake he could have taken it and said thank you rather than be rude about such a lovely gesture. Dump him OP

Wattagoose90 · 10/06/2020 18:23

It's a nice sentiment to want to wait and share it with you, but asking you to take it back instead of bringing it in and keeping it safe? Weird. I don't get it.

I'd eat the cake. Without him.

It's ungrateful not to acknowledge the thought and effort. Very unappreciative.

KatherineJaneway · 10/06/2020 18:24

Sounds to me like either his kids took offence at the gesture or he was worried they would feel you were encroaching so ignored it. Either way there are red flags.

Do his kids see your relationship as serious?

Guinness in a cake is no reason for a child not to eat a slice. Like red wine in a lasagne ragu.

BobbieDraper · 10/06/2020 18:24

So you've been together for 3 years but didnt move in together for lock down? That's 3 months of not seeing each other at all, and then he rejects your birthday gift.

You can see each other now if you remain at a distant (and since he is still seeing his children, it would be selfish of you to touch him and out his kids at risk) but you've still gone months without seeing each other at all. Maybe he just realised he wasnt that bothered about getting a gift and cake from you and would rather just be with his kids.

Viviennemary · 10/06/2020 18:24

We'll this is indeed a very difficult one to try and interpret his meaning. Perhaps it was a coded message. Are you going to ask him. Maybe he just wanted to share the cake with you and was scared that if he took it into his own house his children would eat it all.

Changerazelea · 10/06/2020 18:25

So unbelievably rude. Get rid OP!

StrangeLookingParasite · 10/06/2020 18:26

Rude. Really, really rude (him, I mean).

kylesmybaby · 10/06/2020 18:26

Can't wait to hear his reasons when you see him later.

No one has ever made me a birthday cake. Ungrateful sod !

Natashabobasha1 · 10/06/2020 18:27

The fact that you live on a neighbouring street and not with him three years later is strange. Plus the fact that you live on a neighbouring street and can't see you on his birthday even for 15 minutes is weird. Covid might be the straw that broke this camel's back.
Get some distance. Just don't make any effort at all anymore. See what he does. If he's not enthused to see you, you might just be a convenience. You can do better.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/06/2020 18:28

Just speak to him about it! Say you found it really odd and ask him why?
I wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship over that.

honeylulu · 10/06/2020 18:28

Really rude and hurtful.

You did a nice, thoughtful thing in a way that wouldn't interfere. He could have saved the present for when he saw you and if there was too much cake / no one liked it he could have put it in the fridge or discreetly in the bin but still said "thank you".

I think the most horrible thing about this is that he ordered you to make a second journey to take it away. It's like he wants you to feel chastised and devalued.

I'll have it! I love Guinness cake and so do my children! (Readers, it's not boozy.)

Esspee · 10/06/2020 18:29

Did he even know it was a cake?
I have been wondering if the children know about you. Have you met them?

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 10/06/2020 18:29

He's going to need a truly convincing explanation, because to me his behaviour seems disrespectful, insulting, ungrateful and batshit crazy.

Dozer · 10/06/2020 18:33

His message was tactless and unkind.

But he’d clearly explained that he didn’t wish to see you on his birthday. YANBU to feel like you’re not a high priority for him, and reflect on the relationship, but popping over unexpectedly clearly wasn’t going to be welcomed.

Also, some people don’t want to consume hand baked goods from other households at this time, due to Covid.

CovidTroels · 10/06/2020 18:33

He's the one acting wierd OP not you.
You went to the trouble of making him a nice cake and he didn't want it there. He's either one weird arse, or someone was there he didn't want to explain a nice cake and card to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/06/2020 18:35

Guinness cake is excellent and you’re a kind, generous, thoughtful woman. Shame he’s so ungrateful and awkward! Intrigued to know what his reasons will be tbh but it’s definitely him being weird, NOT you, and you deserve some bloody gratitude.