To end relationship with DP because he rejected my birthday cake

[Beautifulbirdsong]

Been with DP for 3 years, currently separated due to Covid social distancing. It was his birthday last week, spent the day with his children, I accepted it was difficult due to Covid for me to be involved and he said he wouldn't be able to see me separately (it was a work day too). I thought it would be a nice gesture to handmade a large Guinness cake and drop it round along with my present first thing in the morning, so even though I couldn't physically be there I would still be involved in the day (also regardless of what the children did, you can never have enough cake?!?) . I live on the neighbouring street and messaged that I left it on the wall outside (so it would be a nice surprise). Anyway I got a reply 5 hours later asking me to take the cake and present away and bring it back next time it was just the two of us.

This has really upset me and I think shows quite a lot of how little I really matter to him and I want to know if I am being unreasonable to end a good (pre-covid) relationship because of this.

You made a lovely kind gesture for his birthday and he rejected it rudely. I wouldn’t be able to see him in the same way after that tbh. Lockdown doesn’t excuse such behaviour either imo.

I love the sound of your Guinness cake btw (obviously as I like my desserts!), hope you’ve enjoyed a slice or three tonight!

I think this is an advert for Guinness cake.
Who now wants to make a cake?
Who had never heard of it? And has now been suitably educated that Guinness cake exists?

He should have said thank you. He was a rude shit and I think he is actually showing you your place really in his life.

OP, not only did he reject a gift you'd lovingly made for him, he refused to even have it in his house and asked you to come and fetch it as if you're the hired help. Do you want to stay with someone who thinks that's an acceptable way to treat you?
Since you asked, I think you should be damn glad that you're not married or living together, as you can have a clean break if you decide to get rid. The fact that you even asked the question tells me this isn't the first time he's treated you like shit.
I hope you dump him as dismissively as he rejected your gift.

Overall I wouldn't want to be with someone who I had such poor communication with

This.

I would be wondering if it's worth me being in a relationship with someone who can't pop out for half an hour to go for a social distancing walk to see me on his birthday when we haven't seen each other for three months.

If, as people suggest, he might think I was interfering/overbearing/intrusive well I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who thought those things about me (it's not about whether he's reasonable to think that, I don't know you, it's just not a good basis for a relationship in my opinion).

If his children are so anti-me after three years that he can't say that I've made him a cake, or his ex is there and he would put her feelings above mine, then again I don't think it's a good basis for a relationship.

If he's just rude enough to reject your gift, then I don't think it's a good basis for a relationship.

But most of all someone who can't even be bothered to explain any of those things in a phone call or communicate with me wouldn't be someone I'd see a long term future with.

If you need to be socially distanced, you are obviously in separate households, so he is not your partner, just your boyfriend. It amazes me the amount of women who refer to some man as a partner when he is anything but. whereas if you move a bloke in after six weeks that all changes.... [hmm[ Seriously I do wonder why this term bothers some people so much....

Just ask him why! Instead of getting us all to guess

So what did he say?

@Cherrygirl3

Odd. Why not just take the cake and pressie into the house and say thanks? Did he think there may be covid germs on it or something? Is he generally paranoid/ocd about germs?

Jesus wept. We’re in the middle of a pandemic! There is no way I’d be taking in a cake which had (a) been baked in another household, and (b) had been abandoned on a random wall for some unknown period of time before I’d been told of it. Having concerns about infection from external sources during this time is being “generally paranoid/ocd about germs”. It’s been the whole point of lockdown!

GoldenGirlz

"Jesus wept. We’re in the middle of a pandemic! There is no way I’d be taking in a cake which had (a) been baked in another household, and (b) had been abandoned on a random wall for some unknown period of time before I’d been told of it. Having concerns about infection from external sources during this time is being “generally paranoid/ocd about germs”. hmm It’s been the whole point of lockdown!"

If you accept the premise that this is about health and safety -- and by the way we're no longer under 'lockdown' as you'll have seen from the announcement about "bubbles" etc, that's one thing.

But that still is no excuse for him to have been a dick about it.

If he was sufficiently concerned about the risks from taking a cake (which by the way are manageable), he could have communicated that to the OP in a polite and affectionate way, as opposed to basically treating her as his servant!

golden
You realise that unless you are growing your own crops everything has been made/produced by someone else!
Heard it all now.

Fucking hell, op. I'm late to the party, but this is not ok. How demeaning and humiliating to have you collect it back again. Scurrying around out if sight like a nobody. Eat it yourself and think whether he's treating you like shit in any other areas too. Stop saying you are emotional due to covid! This isn't on you, it's on him. All he had to do was bring them inside, but them out the back or whatever, and wash his hands. So fucking rude and controlling.

I want to know what his explanation was! And what happened to the cake in the end. And what was the present you bought him? Can you even imagine not taking in a birthday present bought by your SO? And asking to clear it from your doorstep? It takes a one cold-hearted twat to do that.

Lol wtf to odd ppl saying they wouldn't take it in due to covid! So presumably you wouldn't take in a parcel off the postie? Or heck, even a letter?

Common sense to stick on a pair of gloves, take it in and give the box a wipe/change thr container then wash your hands. NOT common sense to leave a gift from someone who took their time out to bake for you on a wall for 5 hours and then refuse it, asking them to come get it. Not unless you're a total dick.

Even if you didn't take it in, you would just say you ate it and it was great. Because that's what decent kind people do who dont want to hurt their gfs feelings.

Some married people even live in separate houses.

Wish the op would come back and say she's finished the guy sameold2020 was right when she said demeaning and humiliating, I don't think there's a way to excuse it :( it's making me sad to think the op thinks it's her fault somehow, I found someone lovely who would Never do anything like this and you can too op xx

I rarely check my phone and DH cant check his in work

food left on my step for 5 hours would need throwing away because theres an ant colony in our step (that we just cant get rid of, it comes back every year) + the weathers been awful at the moment (no on wants soggy hail stone coated cake)

presents left on doors steps tend to go missing

I dont think he was rude, just practical... 5 hours later sounds like hes at work (which you knew was a possability) so whats he suppose to do about it?

I know your heart is in the right place and you where trying to be nice but it was actually a very impractical idea and now just an extra thing for him to have to deal with or worry about on his birthday... instead of getting instantly sensative/offended just realise its a simple logistic issue not a person attack and its not actually about you

@MrMeSeeks

* If you need to be socially distanced, you are obviously in separate households, so he is not your partner, just your boyfriend. It amazes me the amount of women who refer to some man as a partner when he is anything but*

Odfod
Some people can be with their PARTNERS for years but not live together for a variety of reasons.
It’s certainly not up to You to decide how to define a relationship!
How pathetic!

I don’t think i’d end it with your PARTNER over this without speaking to him and finding out his reasons first

this, my fiance who I have been with 13 years and have 2 kids with only moved in during lockdown... its not wierd to me at all to not live together, having our own space and security has strengthened our relationship

my parents didnt live together until I was 13, they had both been perviously devorced and gone through rebuilding their lives again. both had their own homes and no intention of jumping into remarrying and having to face devorce again so they lived seperate and kept their own things (my dad worked away too so even if he moved in they wouldnt see each other much more anyway) but they have been together 30 years and have kids

my grandparents where in the army, my grandmothers settled to raise their kids in a stable enviroment while grandfathers got deployed for years at a time so while they lived together on paper they where rarely together aswell but where happily married until death

I never get why people think 'living together' is so important to 'relationship status' its really not

mam0919 all these comments about logistics/impracticality/health and safety are missing the point.

Whatever reasons he may have had for not wanting to take the cake in there’s just no excuse for his rudeness and lack of affection. Ordering someone to remove a present from the place it’s been delivered to is staggeringly rude and entitled.

Never mind his relationship with his children or his concerns about covid etc that’s the nub of the issue.

@thepeopleversuswork

mam0919 all these comments about logistics/impracticality/health and safety are missing the point.

Whatever reasons he may have had for not wanting to take the cake in there’s just no excuse for his rudeness and lack of affection. Ordering someone to remove a present from the place it’s been delivered to is staggeringly rude and entitled.

Never mind his relationship with his children or his concerns about covid etc that’s the nub of the issue.

I didnt mention anything about covid though and its not he just 'didnt want to take the cake' are people completely missing the 'it was a work day too' part?

its utterly stupid to leave something on a step (especially food or gifts) when that persons at work... he wasnt rude, there is nothing to indicate he was rude to OP at all just that he asked her to go get it from the step and keep it until they saw each other thats not 'rude' just common sense

@Beautifulbirdsong. What was the outcome?

I would have felt quite rejected and a bit embarrassed. Making something for someone is very personal and there was obviously a lot of thought going into what was a really nice gesture. I agree that anyone with decent manners would say thank you, regardless of whether they wanted it or not.

Regarding the 'work day' point other posters are making, we know (detective work!) from the Op's comments that someone was home. Assuming that was Sir Cakeophobe, then he has no excuse. If he was at work all day, had only just checked his phone and thought, oh crikey, by the time I get back the cake will be melting in the sun and the present nicked, please OP, pop and grab them and I would love a slice later, then that is a different kettle of fish.

The Guinness cooks out and you are left with a fabulous chocolate cake. It is perfectly suitable to give to anyone of any age that eats food! Not understanding the 'unsuitable' comments....

This is strange. I think there’s more to it then him just being plain rude, I reckon either his ex or another lady was there and he didn’t want to bring it in then have to explain anything. Have you asked him why yet?!

@Weetabixandcrumpets Sir Cakeophobe

For the Guinness Chocolate Cake
1 3/4 cups (222 grams) all-purpose flour
2 cups (400 grams) granulated sugar
3/4 cup (64 grams) unsweetened cocoa powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon fine salt
3/4 cup (170 grams) sour cream or plain full fat yogurt
1/2 cup fresh vegetable oil
3 large eggs, at room temperature
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup Guinness beer

For the Irish Buttercream
4 sticks (454 grams) unsalted butter, at room temperature
6 cups (750 grams) powdered sugar, sifted
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons Irish cream, such as Bailey’s

For the Chocolate Drip
4 ounces (113 grams) semisweet or bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped
1/2 cup heavy cream

Preheat the oven to 175 degC. Generously grease two 8-inch cake pans and line with parchment rounds.

In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.

In a medium bowl whisk together the sour cream, vegetable oil, eggs, vanilla, and beer.

Add the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir with a spatula until just combined.

Divide the batter between the prepared pans and bake for 35 to 40 minutes, or until a cake tester comes out clean. Cool the cakes in their pans for 30 minutes before carefully turning them out onto a cooling rack to cool completely. If possible, freeze the cakes while you prepare the buttercream.

For the Buttercream

In a large bowl, use an electric mixer to beat the butter until light and fluffy. Gradually add the powdered sugar then the Irish cream. Beat the mixture on high speed until very light, fluffy, and smooth, about 3 minutes. If the frosting is too thick, add a splash more Irish cream. If it’s too thin, add some more powdered sugar.

Place one cake layer a cake stand or serving plate. Frost the top of the cake generously, as this will become the filling. Use even more if you're decorating as a 'naked' cake as shown in the photos. Top with the other cake layer, flat side up.

With an offset spatula, spread a very thin layer of frosting all over the cake. This layer is a crumb coat and should act like spackle. For the smoothest frosting, return the cake to the fridge or freezer until firm to the touch.

Spread the remaining frosting all over the cake. If desired, focus the frosting on the top to maintain the 'naked' look. Refrigerate while you prepare chocolate drip.

For the Chocolate Drip

Place the chopped chocolate in a heatproof bowl. Bring the heavy cream to a simmer then immediately remove from heat and pour over chocolate. You can also do this in the microwave. Cover for a few minutes then stir until smooth.

Allow to cool until it has thickened but is still pourable, about 10 minutes. Don’t place ganache in the fridge to cool. Test the consistency of the drip by pouring down the side of a glass. If it’s too thick, microwave for 5 to 10 seconds. If it’s too thin, allow to continue to cool.

The cake can be stored, covered, at room temperature for up to 1 day or in the fridge for up to 3 days.