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AIBU?

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Original poster

To end relationship with DP because he rejected my birthday cake

355 replies

Beautifulbirdsong · 10/06/2020 17:27

Been with DP for 3 years, currently separated due to Covid social distancing. It was his birthday last week, spent the day with his children, I accepted it was difficult due to Covid for me to be involved and he said he wouldn't be able to see me separately (it was a work day too). I thought it would be a nice gesture to handmade a large Guinness cake and drop it round along with my present first thing in the morning, so even though I couldn't physically be there I would still be involved in the day (also regardless of what the children did, you can never have enough cake?!?) . I live on the neighbouring street and messaged that I left it on the wall outside (so it would be a nice surprise). Anyway I got a reply 5 hours later asking me to take the cake and present away and bring it back next time it was just the two of us.

This has really upset me and I think shows quite a lot of how little I really matter to him and I want to know if I am being unreasonable to end a good (pre-covid) relationship because of this.

OP posts:
JoesExotic · 10/06/2020 22:52

I think he's told his kids you've broken up and the appearance of a card and present would make him seem a liar.
Also, possible other woman, hence why he's told his kids this.

Euclid · 10/06/2020 22:53

If you need to be socially distanced, you are obviously in separate households, so he is not your partner, just your boyfriend. It amazes me the amount of women who refer to some man as a partner when he is anything but.

AlternativePerspective · 10/06/2020 22:54

For those saying that it’s inappropriate to give children alcohol in a cake, do you not allow them to have Christmas pudding? Christmas cake? Mince pies?

And for those who think that a cooked cake is bad, I once made a tiramisu which does contain alcohol, and when DS’ friend came over after school I merrily served them both a bowlful after dinner. DS ate some, but his friend cheerfully ate a whole bowlful. And only then did I remember that it contained alcohol, and that he wasn’t my child. Blush just then his dad came to collect him. Fortunately we knew each other well and he just laughed it off. They were eleven. Grin.

As for the DP, something sounds very off here. I wonder whether, rather than his having had another woman there in the morning, he was expecting one to come over after the kids had gone, and when he noticed the cake etc on the wall he had to be sure it was gone before she got there.

RaymondReddingtonMrs · 10/06/2020 22:59

Dropping a cake and present off and not physically popping in at all, is in no way interfering with his time with his children.

It's a kind and thoughtful gesture by you in what are strange times.

He could have taken the cake in even if there is some reason he didn't want it, this is what I'm sure most people would do I.e. recognising the kind gesture even if it wasn't necessarily needed/wanted.

By asking you to pick it up he has shown that he is not concerned how you may feel, given that you took the time and effort to make it and drop it round. This could have been avoided, but he chose to do the opposite. I think that was really unkind of him and shows a lack of care towards you.

Quackersandcheese3 · 10/06/2020 22:59

Guinness cake is totally acceptable for a child ffs. I looked up the recipe there’s only 250 ml in it.

Don’t ditch him just yet.

Porcupineinwaiting · 10/06/2020 23:04

Do people really not give their kids tiramisu because it has alcohol in it?

DrFoxtrot · 10/06/2020 23:06

Euclid what would you say about married couples who live apart? Is their relationship not as important as those who live together?

I'm amazed at people who seem to think cohabiting means that your relationship is more committed. By your logic, a couple who have moved in within 8 weeks can call themselves partners but a couple who live apart for whatever reason but have been together for years are just boyfriend and girlfriend Confused.

Anyway, I would definitely be reassessing my relationship OP. His response was rude and weird.

iano · 10/06/2020 23:07

I'm still laughing at the cake is inappropriate comments. Wtf!! Grin
Op he's been very rude. Quite bizarre behaviour. I hope you got answers this evening.

FloggingMoll · 10/06/2020 23:08

@Euclid What a load of pompous bollocks. Grin

WaterOffADucksCrack · 10/06/2020 23:09

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe Hmm back at you for deliberately missing the rest of my post. I don't understand why posters do that as it makes them look thick at best! She didn't ask and he'd made it clear he didn't want her to be involved in any way. If you'd bothered to include the rest of my post instead of frothing about the final paragraph you'd see what I thought of his behaviour.

londonscalling · 10/06/2020 23:10

To people saying that they think he may have had another woman or his ex there. I don't think this is the case because he wouldn't want you to go back and collect the cake incase they saw you. Surely he'd hide it if that was the situation. If you've been in a relationship for three years then you should be able to ask him why he did this and tell him you were hurt! Don't be a walk over!!

Ginfordinner · 10/06/2020 23:16

But it took him 5 hours to message the OP back, so he could well have had someone there he didn't want her to meet. He will have messaged her when the coast was clear.

This is horrible and inexcusable behaviour from someone you have been seeing for 3 years.

Bluewarbler27 · 10/06/2020 23:29

He sounds like a dick. An ungrateful and rude one at that ! And those saying about muscling in on time with his kids is ridiculous. You’re a couple!

thepeopleversuswork · 10/06/2020 23:54

Euclid the 1950s called.

A “partner” is a significant other. As defined by the couple and none of anyone else’s business.

Do you think having a shared mortgage is some sort of insurance policy against cheating or bad treatment?

There are people who shacked up together a matter of weeks after meeting for lockdown. There are blokes who move in with any woman to get access to a council flat. Are these relationships automatically more valid than two people in a long term relationship who happen - often for insurmountable reasons - tolive apart?

Take your narrow minded judgement somewhere else.

CherrySpritz · 10/06/2020 23:59

@Euclid

If you need to be socially distanced, you are obviously in separate households, so he is not your partner, just your boyfriend. It amazes me the amount of women who refer to some man as a partner when he is anything but.
Are you the arbiter of relationship status? How bizarre that you think you can define a total stranger’s relationship. I know a married couple who live in separate houses. What would you call them according to the rule book of Euclid?
wildcherries · 11/06/2020 00:13

If you need to be socially distanced, you are obviously in separate households, so he is not your partner, just your boyfriend. It amazes me the amount of women who refer to some man as a partner when he is anything but.

Ugh. Just because you share four walls, it doesn't make a relationship more valid by default. This is such an outdated notion.

solarlightexpress · 11/06/2020 00:33

Hope you flung the cake at his window.

strugglingwithdeciding · 11/06/2020 00:36

So was the cake also left outside for 5 hrs and the present in the wall , round here that would be gone by now
I can't really see how it's interfering of his kids has got a cake he could if just brought it in and out in cupboard until they had left , also assuming his kids were meeting him outside due to current regs unless he has more than 5 , why as a partner of 3 years would you not be invited seeing as his kids are older as well ? But assuming kid only day no reason not to take your present and cake in send a thank you but say I will save them for us when we are together

Crystaltree · 11/06/2020 00:51

I think it's a bit odd to leave a cake on a wall tbh. And odd to not bring it in and put it in the fridge / a cupboard for later consumption. So you are even. Ba boom.

Runkle · 11/06/2020 00:57

What an ungrateful turd. I hope you've eaten his cake.

Flipflopsaga · 11/06/2020 01:04

I don’t know what is really going on op although I fear other things may be. He sounds really unkind and ungrateful. Please don’t put up with his behaviour, you deserve better.

Hangingover · 11/06/2020 01:10

It amazes me the amount of women who refer to some man as a partner when he is anything but

You are easily amazed.

famousforwrongreason · 11/06/2020 01:13

Haha Guinness cake is inappropriate. Wtf?! How many Christmas cakes and puddings are steeped in alcohol?
Anyway op, he sounds fucking ungrateful. Bring your cake over here, my expanding waist still has a bit of space left.

Longdistance · 11/06/2020 01:32

I love the sound of Guinness cake. I made beer battered haddock the other day, dds 10 and 8 loved it and had scraps.
Really ungrateful of your p. Sounds all very odd if you’ve been together for 3 years. Why are you not together on lockdown?

MrMeSeeks · 11/06/2020 01:45

If you need to be socially distanced, you are obviously in separate households, so he is not your partner, just your boyfriend. It amazes me the amount of women who refer to some man as a partner when he is anything but*

Odfod Grin
Some people can be with their PARTNERS for years but not live together for a variety of reasons.
It’s certainly not up to You to decide how to define a relationship!
How pathetic!

I don’t think i’d end it with your PARTNER over this without speaking to him and finding out his reasons first