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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end relationship with DP because he rejected my birthday cake

355 replies

Beautifulbirdsong · 10/06/2020 17:27

Been with DP for 3 years, currently separated due to Covid social distancing. It was his birthday last week, spent the day with his children, I accepted it was difficult due to Covid for me to be involved and he said he wouldn't be able to see me separately (it was a work day too). I thought it would be a nice gesture to handmade a large Guinness cake and drop it round along with my present first thing in the morning, so even though I couldn't physically be there I would still be involved in the day (also regardless of what the children did, you can never have enough cake?!?) . I live on the neighbouring street and messaged that I left it on the wall outside (so it would be a nice surprise). Anyway I got a reply 5 hours later asking me to take the cake and present away and bring it back next time it was just the two of us.

This has really upset me and I think shows quite a lot of how little I really matter to him and I want to know if I am being unreasonable to end a good (pre-covid) relationship because of this.

OP posts:
ekidmxcl · 10/06/2020 21:52

got

eatsleepread · 10/06/2020 21:54

OP, his approach was cold and odd. I would definitely have a chat about how it made you feel. You went to such an effort, after all, and it's disappointing not to have that acknowledged.
Is he generally kind and sensitive in 'normal life', or a bit dismissive?

Topseyt · 10/06/2020 21:58

To all of those who think Guinness cake inappropriate for children, I assume that you don't include bread in your own children's diets.

Bread dough is alcoholic whilst it is rising. Baking the bread causes the alcohol to evaporate, so bread itself is not alcoholic. Same with Guinness cake. So not inappropriate at all.

FlamedToACrisp · 10/06/2020 21:58

@BrightYellowDaffodil

I'd be telling him where he could stuff his present and hope I'd bought him something wide and sharp Grin Grin Grin

Hooleywhipper · 10/06/2020 21:59

I don’t think you have done anything wrong OP, you were being thoughtful . He most definitely hasn’t been.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 10/06/2020 22:05

However, if someone had explained they didn't want me to be part of their birthday I wouldn't take things over unannounced as I find that rude too

Except that’s not what happened. Some earlier posters assumed OP was told not to come because he wanted to spend the day with DC but what she actually wrote was that the dc (who know her) would be there and due to Covid it was difficult for her to be involved which is surely about social distancing/mixing households? Some posters seem to have decided she was attempting to insert herself between him and his dc and run with that Hmm.

NamechangedXx · 10/06/2020 22:06

There was definitely some reason he wanted you to pick it back up I’m thinking another women was there the night before if you left it in the morning.

Dowser · 10/06/2020 22:07

I think I live in the wrong century, that now it’s seemingly wrong , to leave someone you love a surprise present.
Jeez the world has gone mad.
He’s an idiot op
An ungrateful one at that.
The correct response was
Thank you beautiful birdsong for a wonderful, thoughtful gift

mrsBtheparker · 10/06/2020 22:07

If you're prepared to end a relationship over such a trivial thing he sounds to have ad a lucky escape!
Seriously, unless things are very very bad I would think that lockdown is not a good time to make major decisions, we're living in the strange times. My OH died very suddenly at the start of lockdown and because of the situation I can't decide how my feelings are because of his death or lockdown, I can't move forward with my life.

RightOnTheEdge · 10/06/2020 22:07

He just left them there on the wall and then asked you to come all the way back to take them away and didn't even say thank you?

Bin the man and scoff the cake!

iwilltaketwoplease · 10/06/2020 22:10

What a dick.

Maybe he's a recovering alcoholic and he doesn't want his kids to know he's on the Guinness.

Or another woman was there.

Either way he's an ungrateful arsehole and doesn't deserve you or the cake.

frenchonion · 10/06/2020 22:11

Eat the cake. Dump the ungrateful prick.

Bluntness100 · 10/06/2020 22:12

That’s actually not what she wrote, read the op again

She wrote this

“ I accepted it was difficult due to Covid for me to be involved and he said he wouldn't be able to see me separately (it was a work day too).

I thought it would be a nice gesture to handmade a large Guinness cake and drop it round along with my present first thing in the morning, so even though I couldn't physically be there I would still be involved in the day”

She clearly asked him to be involved and to see him and he said no. She says he said no. And she says she “accepted” it that she could not be involved, which says he said she could not be,

And she baked the cake so she could be involved when he’d already said no. She says that. She says she did it so she could still be involved, even though he said she could not be.

However it’s irrelevant, the point is he waited five hours to text her back then told her to come get her cake and gift, likely even watched her do it, because he clearly didn’t want the gift and cake in the house.

No one does that to someone they’ve been seeing for three years. No one who remotely cares about the other person. So something else was driving him, as said, I reckon it was another woman there.

2bazookas · 10/06/2020 22:13

Guinness is beer, a half pint of beer that;s been cooked has no appreciable alcohol left. And the kids are 16 + , no doubt might have an alcoholic drink on Dad's birthday anyway.
I don't think sending a home made cake is ever interfering.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/06/2020 22:16

He was very rude. There's something unpleasantly humiliating about asking you to come back to collect it.

It doesn't sound very nice.

GimmeAy · 10/06/2020 22:29

He sounds like one to dump. There's not much more to be said really. Otherwise you'll give and you'll give and you'll give and you'll get nothing but crumbs in return.

paisleydaisy · 10/06/2020 22:30

i think bluntness is right except that we don't know about the other woman being there - because even then he'd have found a different way to deal.

Cherrygirl3 · 10/06/2020 22:31

Odd. Why not just take the cake and pressie into the house and say thanks? Did he think there may be covid germs on it or something?
Is he generally paranoid/ocd about germs?

Badhairday101 · 10/06/2020 22:33

I just find this really weird and can't think of any reasonable explanation. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with somebody who didn't appreciate the obvious effort I had gone to though. I think his response for whatever reason was rude and ungrateful.

Surely after 3 years together you know each other well enough to say, I'm calling round with your present, let's have a coffee and some cake in the garden. Why would he need to see you separately from his kids? Why would he not just say thank you and take his present and cake inside like any normal person? I am really interested to see what his response is when you ask him.

Persiaclementine · 10/06/2020 22:39

I'd be very put out and embarrassed by this.

makewaymakeway · 10/06/2020 22:43

Was he actually at home?

He could have not been at home and needed an excuse of not taking the cake in if you went past?

I'd be very upset by this too, so much effort gone into making something and for it to just be ignored. Very rude.

Isaidnomorecrisps · 10/06/2020 22:47

Partners can be so weird sometimes.
I’m with the poster who said go with your gut.

There really are decent people out there and not a single one of them would do that - even more to someone they loved.

He’ll possibly never understand, because he thinks what he’s done is okay. But it isn’t - it’s tremendously sad.
Has he explained why he did it? I’m genuinely curious and think we all probably are. X

NichyNoo · 10/06/2020 22:49

What a prick. This reminds me of an episode with my dad when I was 10 and just before he left my mum. It was Father’s Day and he was in the living room, reading the newspaper. My 7 year old sister and I were really excited and walked up to him with his card and present and said “happy Father’s Day”. He said he was busy reading the newspaper and told us to come back in 10 minutes. I have never forgotten or forgiven.

Frauhubert · 10/06/2020 22:50

Also, what was he doing to take 5hrs to reply to a message in a lockdown Hmm
Cold, calculated and ungrateful. But I predict he will gaslight you for being over dramatic about a stupid cake on HIS BIRTHDAY.

bluebell34567 · 10/06/2020 22:51

if there was another woman couldnt she see her taking back the cake and the gift?