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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD Shaved Her Head

437 replies

CrazyLady82 · 09/06/2020 17:48

More of a wwyd.

My DD18 has just called me and told me she has shaved her head. DD already had short hair.

DD reasons were that her hair was damaged from all the coloring and she didn't like the color it was.

I am sitting here trying not to loose my mind. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with DD2 and am thinking part of my reaction is pregnancy hormones. After telling DD I wasn't happy with the choice, but it was her choice I hung up the phone. I have been crying and silent screaming for 10 minutes.

I don't want to say anything to bad to her. I know that it is her choice.

Could someone help give me a reality check that shaving her head isn't that bad? I need to get a grip as it is her life.

OP posts:
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PipGirl404 · 09/06/2020 21:56

Also, OP, as someone with a parent who was very much in the 'being honest' camp, try and focus on teaching your daughter external beauty is superficial and regardless of what she does to her hair or body, she'll always be beautiful. Desperately wish my mum had told me that.

GalwayGrowl · 09/06/2020 22:00

But...why is it even something to cry about?

Be proud of her. She's breaking a stereotype and smashing out of the mould of subscribing to what "society" prescribes as "beauty".

I'm proud of your daughter. And I'm proud of her for smiling about it.

SpilltheTea · 09/06/2020 22:05

Your disapproval isn't going to help her confidence. Yes, she could be nicer about your pregnancy, but at 18, you can't expect her to give a shit.

Ontheboardwalk · 09/06/2020 22:05

CrazyLady82 ah emotions are all over the place at the moment pregnant or not.

Please don’t turn this into a huge issue with your daughter, her hair will grow back. My lockdown haircut made me consider shaving my head as well.

The only thing that stopped me was my rebellion when I was 11, sick of the plaits and ringlets, I demanded my hair get cut very very short It grew out sideways and my nickname was Wiggy in high school. My mother thankfully never said to me told you so

Choose your battles, this isn’t one of them. Don’t fall out with your daughter over this

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 09/06/2020 22:10

I think it would help if you could vocalise (to yourself, definitely not to your daughter) what exactly it was about it that upset you?

Are you worried she won't look attractive? That she will look butch? That people will judge her? That she is "opting out of femininity? If so, I think you should take some time to think about why you are so invested in your daughter conforming to other people's ideas of how a woman should look.

Or are you worried about her being independent and growing away from needing your approval? You may be having some rose tinted ideas of how your family will be (especially with the new baby) and this is a very clear signal that your daughter is an adult. You may be picturing her being there, the family all doing family things while she dotes on her new sibling, etc, which is now being threatened.

The reality is, your daughter can make decisions for her self far greater than a hair cut. In five years, it won't matter if she shaved her head as a teenager. But it will matter if you've judged and disapproved of her. Tell her her hair doesn't matter, but raising a bold, confident daughter has made you really proud.

carexfairex · 09/06/2020 22:13

Well maybe she could act her age then and realise that what you say to another woman when she tells you she is pregnant is "Congratulations", particularly one who has had fertility issues,

I don't disagree. At all.

CostaCosta · 09/06/2020 22:15

Didn't Will Smith's wife say something really poignant about this? Like beauty has nothing to do with hair lenght.

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2020 22:25

Sade shaved her head. She looked beautiful.

Well, yes. Because she has a beautiful face.

If I shaved my head I'd look bloody awful. I don't even have a pretty face, let alone a beautiful one.

It doesn't suit everyone.

FliesandPies · 09/06/2020 22:32

Well maybe she could act her age then and realise that what you say to another woman when she tells you she is pregnant is "Congratulations", particularly one who has had fertility issues,

Well, sure, we should probably all behave better than we do but she's only 18 ffs and this isn't just 'another woman' she's her DM. Her new sister will be 18 years younger than her, quite possibly her DM's fertility issues have had an impact on her over the years, quite possibly her DM's dramatic behaviour is extremely wearing

Macncheeseballs · 09/06/2020 22:35

You both seem a little over the top in your reactions

TerrorWig · 09/06/2020 22:49

This thread is MN at it's most bizarre.

On the one hand, we've got OP who had a bit of a meltdown when being told her daughter shaved her head, realising it was an overreaction and dealing with it appropriately. (Ya daft bugger!)

Then we've got those parents that are claiming OP is probably a mean mummy, basically it's not her place to have an opinion on her daughter's haircut. Probably she's also a Bad Feminist who judges women by how they look - and not just that it was a shock to be told and that (like it or not) hormones can play a part in the strength of reactions. I cried my eyes out when I accidentally cut DTS2's hair into a mullet and had to skin it back to a number 2 Grin.

The absolute over-analysis of every fucking this on this site is something to behold.

RedWine123 · 09/06/2020 22:58

Don’t worry. In about 2 months it will be more of a pixie cut style. Really cute hairstyle imo.

TARSCOUT · 09/06/2020 23:11

Congratulate yourself on having a daughter who doesn't want to be a stereotypical female. She has confidence and self belief to do such a lovely fun, crazy thing. Yes, you are over-reacting, she's alive, she chose to do it, she didn't lose it through stress alopecia or anything worse. She's fine, you're fine, take it easy.

tabernacles · 09/06/2020 23:36

I shaved my head (having had long hair all my life before that) when I was at university, to get rid of headlice I caught from children at a volunteering project.

When I told my mum, she put the phone down on me. I still have very short hair now (default cut is a #4, though I only get it done a couple of times a year, so it gets longer in between). I much prefer it.

I think the bigger issue here is what dynamic you have with your daughter, and whether your reaction is indicative of deeper issues, like it was with my mum.

Looking back, I felt pressured to keep it long as she always told this story about how she felt pressured to get her hair cut when she got glasses, as her sister told her glasses and long hair looked silly. I had glasses too, so I felt like she expected me to keep mine long. I hated having it brushed all my childhood.

Voodoocowgirl · 10/06/2020 02:52

My daughter, also 18, shaved her head about 3 months ago. She is a very confident girl, and she looks beautiful.

It's of absolute zero concern to me.

It's her body, her hair and her life.

squeekums · 10/06/2020 02:56

After telling DD I wasn't happy with the choice, but it was her choice I hung up the phone. I have been crying and silent screaming for 10 minutes.

What the actual? Overreaction much
Its not your hair
Its not on your head
There is nothing to be sad about if SHE is happy

Now if you had said someone shaved YOUR head in your sleep, id understand the reaction

squeekums · 10/06/2020 03:03

NO DD18 didn't have to ask my permission to cut her hair. She in fact did not ask me. She called to let me know that she did it as a courtesy.

So she felt she essentially had to warn you or as you call it, a courtesy call, why? That is only a step behind asking for permission.
What have you said to her to make her think she, as an adult, needs to warn you of a hair cut? Its hair

thecowinthemeadowgoesmooo · 10/06/2020 03:08

Ah op. I cried over everything when pregnant. Food mostly.

People on this thread are deliberately rewriting and misunderstanding what you said. Just ignore it.

Btw there is 15 years between my kids because of fertility problems and loss. Eldest dc was not happy about the baby either and said some not nice things. He's completely smitten with the baby now.

Laserbird16 · 10/06/2020 03:22

It will grow back but your DD will remember your reaction long.

I cut my hair when I was 18 and my mum told me I looked like a whore. I think my mum is a knob. On the flipside my friend said I looked like a model... we're still mates now. So what would you prefer?

Ladybyrd · 10/06/2020 03:25

It will grow back.

When I was 16, I pierced my own nose. My parents said "That's nice, dear."

They were actually pretty upset but I was pretty rebellious, so protesting wouldn't have done any good.

I took it out unceremoniously when it started going septic and my face started going numb.

thecowinthemeadowgoesmooo · 10/06/2020 03:26

@TerrorWig agree. People are desperate for there to be issues that aren't there.

ItsLateHumpty · 10/06/2020 03:40

@CrazyLady82 congratulations on your pregnancy. Hope it’s calmed down at home now Brew

@NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace you do not have sticky out ears! And you def rock the haircut Smile

malificent7 · 10/06/2020 04:19

A buzz cut is great...good for her.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 10/06/2020 04:58

Honestly, to those telling the op she should apologise....if the daughter is an adult and can make a decision to shave her head, surely she’s adult enough to cop it on the chin when her mother says “it looks different”.

Aridane · 10/06/2020 06:13

Congratulations on your pregnancy

And yes YWBVU

The extreme short hair doesn't fit her face to be honest. I don't think it looks good on her. I won't tell her flat out I find the hair cut ugly. Not her just the shave job.

And, yes, your disapproval will have come over to her loud and clear

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