To think I shouldn't have to tell dh to feed the children

[myohmywhatawonderfulday]

I went out at 4.30pm to do the food shopping. I had to go to two different supermarkets to get everything we need and didn't get back until 6.45pm.

I come home To find dh in the home gym down the garden and our two children were playing video games without any dinner.

We have had two previous (ahem) conversations about the same thing happening when I have gone out and he has forgot to feed the children because he is doing things he wants to do. I actually thought he would have learnt from those times that it's unacceptable.

DH has said if something specific to happen when I am out I have to tell him. Eg if I want them to have dinner at dinner time I have to give him step by step instructions and 6.45pm is not too late. (ummm we try and put them in bed by 7.30pm).

I told him I will not parent him to parent our children and when he is the lone parent in the house he is in charge and responsible.

He said - this is just the way he is and I need to work with it.

AIBU?

(Disclaimer children are 10 and 7 and if really hungry could have told him/got cereal etc - but this is not the point).

Do you not normally all eat together?

You are not BU. He's putting his wants above his children's needs and being selfish

So you need to parent the three of them? Sod that. Oddly, I've never needed to tell my husband that children require sustenance. He just knew that children must be fed. Thank god, if he was like yours I would go bonkers.

He has checked out of parenting and see it as your responsibility alone. Rather insulting isn't it?

Usually I am in and making the dinner to be fair, just in this case because I was not there to do it, I expected him to step in and to make something that I would be able to eat when I came in. Like I would do for him, if he was not in. I usually start making it about 5pm.

6.45 isn,t that late, perhaps he thought you could eat together.? 7.30 is quite early sleep for a 10 yr.

That is exactly what I said to him - you are insulting my intelligence by standing there and telling me I need to parent you to parent them. I call bullshit and then he stormed off!

YANBU but I wouldn't say it's a massive deal. I guess he lost track of time.

He may have thought you'd gone out at 4.30 pm on purpose, if you normally start cooking about 5?

You put a 10 year old to bed at 7:30pm?

Your DH is being ridiculous.

My ds (10) doesn't sleep - he usually reads for an hour.

Its not the end of the world, they were not in any danger, I am just pissed off that he could just do whatever he wants, not even think about the kids, and then try and deflect that he he had any responsibility.

Even if he had gone, 'oh shit, is that the time - I just forgot'. I would have been sort of fine. It was all the guff I got deflecting that has inflamed me!!

Don’t make enough food for him tomorrow and when he questions it act surprised and say you didn’t tell me you needed food

YANBU
I Can't believe people think you are! It's not the fact he 'forgot', it's the fact he has told you it's your responsibility to make sure he remembers to feed his ducking children when you're not even there! In what world is that acceptable

Nah that's just lazy parenting. Sure he knew you were gone shopping and during these times it takes way much longer. Feeding kids is pretty important. Not bothering to do that and work out instead is just lazy. Your kids shouldn't have to eat cereal just because he can't be bothered.

4.30pm was my only opportunity and I didn't know or think it would take as long as it did. I thought I would be home by 6pm and then I would have sorted out dinner.

You put your 10 year old to bed at 7.30pm - why?!

Anyway, YABU. You normally cook. You went out to buy food. Presumably he thought you were buying food to cook for dinner so decided to wait.

FFS. This really annoys me. He is a father. Children need food. It’s not difficult!

I know exactly what you mean, it is the mental loaf, and he is expecting you to carry it all.

We have the same in our house, if I don’t do it/remind everyone then it doesn’t happen. The DD’s missed dancing today (online) as I was working, DH is on furlough and has ceased using his brain at all.

My dh would have rang me to ask, but may have assumed I was buying dinner at the shop. It's not that late.

I'm wondering why the DC didn't start badgering him for food.

In all honesty, in the grand scheme of things, a late tea isn't the end of world. It's not like they're up early for school tomorrow is it? But, I can also see that it is a case of a job falls to you and if you're not there it doesn't get done.

Did he make tea after you got home? Did you make him tea?

Your kids go to bed very early for their ages. We eat earlier now as DS is just 16 months and we like to all eat together at the table, but we'll slowly move back to our normal dinner time around 7/7:30 as he gets older.

That said, your family eat early and presumably your DH knows the routine so he should have known to get on with dinner. Although if the kids were fine and not complaining when you got home I don't know that I'd have made much of an issue of it, as no harm was actually done 🤷🏼‍♀️

Next time tell him the mince/ lasagne sheets/ cheese/ milk are in the fridge tinned toms in cupboard, and salad stuff in bottom of fridge and remember to feed DCs at 5.30 prompt.
If he needs to be told make sure it's worth telling!

Hasn’t he himself eaten some sort of dinner at roughly the same time every day of life since he was weaned? So could be reasonably expected to remember that his children will need dinner at roughly the same time every day too?

Yanbu. It's irritating to have to organise everything for everyone. He's an adult and should act like one. You dont need a third child.

My husband often has to remind me it's past lunch time because I get busy and forget. So either I'll go make it or he will. Because ya know, he's their dad and knows they need lunch. (Though now my 13 year old will often stick something on for her and her siblings if I'm doing something like mid washing the car etc.)

I would tell your DH that it's not acceptable that you have to parent him as well as HIS children. Who the hell does he thinks tells you each and every day that the kids need dinner? No one. Because you're a parent and it's your job, just like him.

I love that Minielise! I am going to do that maybe not tomorrow but soon!

Thanks affor - no I don't think I am being unreasonable!

However, I do appreciate people's views even if they are different to mine.