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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to tell dh to feed the children

128 replies

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 08/06/2020 20:31

I went out at 4.30pm to do the food shopping. I had to go to two different supermarkets to get everything we need and didn't get back until 6.45pm.

I come home To find dh in the home gym down the garden and our two children were playing video games without any dinner.

We have had two previous (ahem) conversations about the same thing happening when I have gone out and he has forgot to feed the children because he is doing things he wants to do. I actually thought he would have learnt from those times that it's unacceptable.

DH has said if something specific to happen when I am out I have to tell him. Eg if I want them to have dinner at dinner time I have to give him step by step instructions and 6.45pm is not too late. (ummm we try and put them in bed by 7.30pm).

I told him I will not parent him to parent our children and when he is the lone parent in the house he is in charge and responsible.

He said - this is just the way he is and I need to work with it.

AIBU?

(Disclaimer children are 10 and 7 and if really hungry could have told him/got cereal etc - but this is not the point).

OP posts:
Healthyandhappy · 08/06/2020 21:35

My kids usually say when hungry youngest usually says I want something in my mouth. Great hint and husband cant go wrong. Yes you are NOT been unreasonable hes silly and selfish

tenlittlecygnets · 08/06/2020 21:35

Oh dear, op, that’s not a very good list of good things about him...

Does he need detailed instructions about what to do at work every day? Does he need to you tell him how to work out?

No?

Then he’s doing this deliberately. Looking after the kids is your job - he’s too important to spend time thinking about his own kids/anything that’s not about him.

Ginkypig · 08/06/2020 21:35

@WhereYouLeftIt

"He said - this is just the way he is and I need to work with it." That is not an acceptable response. I would stop doing anything for him unless he had made a specific and detailed request (meals, washing, shopping etc.).
I agree and was going to quote the same part.

He is a fully functioning adult without anything that would compromise his capacity I assume?
he knows that the children need to eat because they are humans an and all humans need food to survive doesn't he?
if you weren't together what would he do just sit in a corner and allow the whole family to starve to death?

If this was my partner I would say to him that we are meant to be an equal partnership, if you don't pull your shit together and be my teammate and a responsible adult/parent then we are done.
I will not share my life with an adult who won't show even basic common sense and exhibit even basic responsibility towards the needs of his children. And I would mean it!

Like fuck would I share my life with someone who completely stepped out of being an adult.

Rewis · 08/06/2020 21:36

He doesn't see himself as a parent. He is a babysitter that follows the Parents (your) instructions. If this was an isolated incidence and you normally have dinner together then that would be one thing, but this seems to be a pattern. At least he us honest about not doing anything unless he is told. Now you need to decide what you do with this information.

I know the bedtime is irrelevant but 7.30 is an...interesting bedtime for kids that age.

tenlittlecygnets · 08/06/2020 21:36

He’s setting an awful example for his kids. Are you happy? You deserve more, you know, op...

BendingSpoons · 08/06/2020 21:36

Wifework. He doesn't need to bother with such mundane things Hmm If he is that inept at it then I think he needs to practise. Is there anything that is normally his role that you would do if he wasn't there? If there isn't, you need a redivision of labour!

GabsAlot · 08/06/2020 21:36

has he never cooked for them-do u do everyting round the house

NataliaOsipova · 08/06/2020 21:38

Are you more rigid about timings than your DH generally, OP? It’s interesting for some sort of context. I suspect my kids are of a similar age to yours from what you’ve said; 7.30 is a more usual time for us to eat and so if I’d gone out to get food my DH probably wouldn’t start thinking “must feed them, must feed them” until about 8.30 (or unless they were telling him that they were hungry). So - I think it’s hard to judge what’s reasonable or not unless we know what your normal “routine” is and how strictly you both stick to that.

BackforGood · 08/06/2020 21:38

To me it depends on what normally happens.
You said that you normally start preparing your evening meal at around 5. If I want someone to do something that I would normally do, then , yes, I would ask them to do it if I weren't going to be able to.

I mean, I know there are a considerable number of posters on MN that will automatically assume the man is wrong simply because he is a man, but he's got a point here.

Of course, none of us know the detail about who is working what hours, how much each of you pull your weight etc etc, but, just going on the OP, I don't think he is unreasonable.

BobbieDraper · 08/06/2020 21:39

Why not give and remind him what he learned in counselling.
Just pop your head in and say "we've been through this many times and I'm not prepared to do it again. We went through counselling to find out that when you're ashamed of an action, you lash out and blame me. I'm not here to be blamed for your mistakes. It isnt fair and it isnt ok."

And from now, dont do anything for him. Just dont engage with him until he is willing to meaningfully engage with you.

Thinkofthekids · 08/06/2020 21:39

He may have thought you'd gone out at 4.30 pm on purpose, if you normally start cooking about 5?

Of course it's acceptable to leave the children hungry as a 'punishment' to OP for not fulfilling her domestic duties.

flamingochill · 08/06/2020 21:40

The strange thing about men like that is if they had to show initiative/flexibility at work they can usually get on and do it without a manager's say so.

WelcomeToTheMountaintop · 08/06/2020 21:41

You’re not happy are you?

Fundamentally, you know this marriage is circling the drain.

Frauhubert · 08/06/2020 21:42

Oh yes, and I agree- he sees feeding the kids as your job. Very annoying that you had discussions about this and he still is too selfish to remember about feeding his own kids. But I doubt he did this to deliberately piss you off, or be ok with his kids sitting hungry. He just is oblivious.

Pebblexox · 08/06/2020 21:42

I wouldn't be annoyed at husband if he didn't start dinner without me telling him to, because I'm usually the cooker. And I meal plan etc, so unless I tell him he doesn't realise I'm not cooking. That's just our dynamics though.

Candyfloss99 · 08/06/2020 21:47

Shared experiences isn't a good point about someone.

Eckhart · 08/06/2020 21:49

'This is how I am and you just need to work with it'? 'This' being 'I don't parent my children'?

I think he might need to work with some ways you might suddenly become. Like, not doing anything at all for him. See how he feels about working with' that.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 08/06/2020 21:49

My goodness, how have you not dumped this idiot yet?
Is he really so dense he cant work out that kids need to eat? I mean, what would happen if you went away for the weekend- would he just not feed them all weekend, would he leave the young ones in unchanged nappies all weekend? would he just leave them to drop asleep on the kitchen or lounge floor because you havent specifically told him they need to go to bed to sleep?

Bloody hell- sounds like he barely has two brain cells to rub together.

pumpkinbump · 08/06/2020 21:52

He sounds lazy and selfish. Just because you cook dinner as a rule, it's even more reason for him to do it whilst your out doing another chore. I'd send him shopping in future, oh and then he can come back and cook the dinner!

ilikemethewayiam · 08/06/2020 21:54

@ScreamingBeans

I don't understand why anyone wants to live with a man like this tbh.

Women settle for so little.

Mumsnet can be really depressing.

I was thinking similar! Today the relationships section seems full of posts about the most abusive men. It’s really depressing!

OP, I’d be furious with him. What a manchild! How arrogant! If he only works to instruction then I would definitely stop doing anything for him unless you have written instruction from him. No meal on the table, no clean clothes etc. That’s the way you are from now on, he needs to work with it!

MamaFirst · 08/06/2020 21:55

Do you have a menu plan or something? Did he know what your dinner plans were? I wouldn't be upset with my husband if I had planned to make dinner, then was out of the house for over two hours not having communicated plans? Or was he just supposed to dig through the freezer and find something? I'd be more annoyed he hadn't made contact and communicated the plan, rather than him not having rummaged something together outside of your normal routine.

Original poster
myohmywhatawonderfulday · 08/06/2020 21:56

I think I will.

I was only thinking today how boring doing the shopping is...it can be his turn next week!!

Thanks for all your replies everyone x

OP posts:
metronome1 · 08/06/2020 21:59

Whichever one of us is in around our normal meal time cooks because our kids need feeding. If we are both in dh cooks. He does the shopping, meal organising and cooking usually. If he's not in for whatever reason I just get on with it because 1. I know I need to feed us all and 2. I don't expect dh to come home and cook later after he's been out doing whatever. We are both parents, we are both capable of using our adult brain to know jobs need doing and children need caring for. This includes other household chores, childcare, drop offs and pick ups etc..
I couldn't be with someone who needed to be reminded how to be an adult/parent. What if you fell ill tomorrow and you were bed bound for a few days, how would he cope?
It really get on my nerves when men (and it is usually men) act like parenting and house work is not their responsibility. Op yanbu but only you can decide what you want to do about that. You either accept it or you don't.

DeliaOwens · 08/06/2020 21:59

OP, i hear you and feel your irritation. It’s exhausting, and sometimes impossible, to find yet another space in the mental filing cabinet for all that I have to do, let alone being asked to remind a grown up of the patently obvious need to feed his children.

You say he has emotional challenges, but, unless that pertains to executive deficits, I do think he should have at least started dinner.

It's not ok for him to say "this is just how I am"
Or words to that effect. It is childish and not even slightly collaborative.

Honestly, I wouldn't be petty about this as, that is not a good lesson for your children. However, i would suggest that you have subtle reminders around the place about dinner time if you want this to be solved. Maybe a weekday alarm in the family Google calendar about dinner prep or a new 'menu board' in the kitchen with meal plans for the week and dinner time noted there.

He needs to share the mental load and be a fully present parent and part of team parent. He is not a bystander. He is an equal parent and needs to behave as such.

Thinkofthekids · 08/06/2020 21:59

I think he might need to work with some ways you might suddenly become. Like, not doing anything at all for him. See how he feels about working with' that.

Totally agree. But not only to make a point. When you're the one left doing all the parenting/housework and carrying all the 'mental load', it's important to think about survival tactics to avoid bitterness as much as you can (speaking from experience here). So what you need to do is reduce the burden on you as much as possible. Then you might have more time to spend in the home gym/read a book/take a long bath...So definitely (1) stop doing anything which just benefits him (he can do it) and (2) hugely lower your standards on the rest of it if you can bear it! If he has an issue with this, he can step up and help; if not, you'll have much more time for yourself and your own interests.