To think I shouldn't have to tell dh to feed the children

[myohmywhatawonderfulday]

I went out at 4.30pm to do the food shopping. I had to go to two different supermarkets to get everything we need and didn't get back until 6.45pm.

I come home To find dh in the home gym down the garden and our two children were playing video games without any dinner.

We have had two previous (ahem) conversations about the same thing happening when I have gone out and he has forgot to feed the children because he is doing things he wants to do. I actually thought he would have learnt from those times that it's unacceptable.

DH has said if something specific to happen when I am out I have to tell him. Eg if I want them to have dinner at dinner time I have to give him step by step instructions and 6.45pm is not too late. (ummm we try and put them in bed by 7.30pm).

I told him I will not parent him to parent our children and when he is the lone parent in the house he is in charge and responsible.

He said - this is just the way he is and I need to work with it.

AIBU?

(Disclaimer children are 10 and 7 and if really hungry could have told him/got cereal etc - but this is not the point).

He’s a selfish bolshy man. If he cannot respond to rational discussion, I suggest you do nothing for him, unless he has requested it in triplicate beforehand.

Sally - you hit the nail.

OP didn’t ask for criticism of her children’s bedtimes, I’m sure she knows what works best for her family.

Of course YANBU. My DP has no children of his own but if he’s in the house with my two and I’m busy he’ll make them dinner without having to be reminded! In fact he makes more dinners than I do usually. It’s such a fucking cop out to do the “well that’s just the way I am”. Didn’t forget to go and work out, did he? Funny that.

YANBU

FFS why is everyone a bit 🤔 about the time your 10 yr goes to bed. Your family, your choices. My DD is 11 and only very recently has been allowed to stay up past 8pm. She needs her sleep and has gone to bed with no resistance. She starts high school in sept and will be expected to have lights out by 9ish unless at guides.

Thanks - some of your posts have really made me laugh!

I have thought about letting them stay up a bit later but I actually really love the 'end of the day' now its the evening and the kids are in bed feeling.

YANBU. Your kids are your joint responsibility. If you're not around, he has to make sure their basic needs are met. Because he is an adult and a parent.

You, on the other hand, don't have to make sure his needs are met. Because he is an adult. So if I were you, I wouldn't bother until he's willing to share parenting with you.

Fuck that, op. So what if op did deliberately go out at 4.30 (to buy food, not on a jolly).

What are his good points?

"He said - this is just the way he is and I need to work with it."
That is not an acceptable response. I would stop doing anything for him unless he had made a specific and detailed request (meals, washing, shopping etc.).

What a shit parent.

How can you put up with him?

He doesn't see his children as his responsibility. He doesn't love them enough to tend to their needs.

Does he have any good points? Anything at all to recommend him?

people are commenting on the bed times as they haven't read the post where op says that 10y reads for and hour from 7.30.

He has 'issues'. He can never ever be wrong and just say sorry. It's always someone else's fault. I have done something to provoke it and in this case - I didn't tell him in specific detail what was expected and so is my fault.

I see this in him now...but it took years and a trip to counselling to reveal that this is how he deals with shame. Deflection, shouting and tantrums. I can view it much more objectively now - but before I became a bit more savvy to his tricks - I used to be so upset.

Would annoy me too, my husband just ploughs on with jobs regardless of the children's need for food at mealtimes. It is the mental load and expecting the kids to wait on him.

I'm in two minds about this.

On the one hand you are completely right, he shouldn't need to be told - but on the other, you weren't expecting to be so long, so he was expecting you to be back at any time.

If you want to be petty (and sometimes pettiness is called for ), pizzas are a good one, OP. Make individual pizzas with the kids while he's working out. Fun for kids and point made all at once!

He may have thought you'd gone out at 4.30 pm on purpose, if you normally start cooking about 5?

Obviously that validates his behaviour.

What are his good points:

He is fun and plays with them.
He can be helpful.
He and I have similar values and interests which means that we can get a lot done.
We have been together a long time - 16 years and so have a lot of shared experiences.

YANBU OP. At all. I'd make a point of going out every evening for an hour or two until he gets the message.

Ahhh I don’t miss these days!

Food politics are so draining. I am so bored of feeding and thinking about feeding my husband. I am good at other things, but food ... oh dear

YADNBU! I've just had a similar debate with DH about the 'mental load'.

He said - this is just the way he is and I need to work with it.

Is he always so insufferably arrogant?

Did the kids not go and find him and say that they were hungry? I'm a single parent and my kids hunt me down if they can't smell food at 6:30. (We eat between 6:30 and 7)

I don't understand why anyone wants to live with a man like this tbh.

Women settle for so little.

Mumsnet can be really depressing.