To think I shouldn't have to tell dh to feed the children

[myohmywhatawonderfulday]

I went out at 4.30pm to do the food shopping. I had to go to two different supermarkets to get everything we need and didn't get back until 6.45pm.

I come home To find dh in the home gym down the garden and our two children were playing video games without any dinner.

We have had two previous (ahem) conversations about the same thing happening when I have gone out and he has forgot to feed the children because he is doing things he wants to do. I actually thought he would have learnt from those times that it's unacceptable.

DH has said if something specific to happen when I am out I have to tell him. Eg if I want them to have dinner at dinner time I have to give him step by step instructions and 6.45pm is not too late. (ummm we try and put them in bed by 7.30pm).

I told him I will not parent him to parent our children and when he is the lone parent in the house he is in charge and responsible.

He said - this is just the way he is and I need to work with it.

AIBU?

(Disclaimer children are 10 and 7 and if really hungry could have told him/got cereal etc - but this is not the point).

I think he is being unreasonable for his "this is who i am" attitude. He's showing you his true colours and he doesn't want to change. If he has never taken the initiative to look after his children or take away some of the burden from you then he's massively being unreasonable. He is definitely unreasonable to not even have a rational discussion with you such as "I'm sorry I thought you might have wanted to eat as a family, but I know better for next time", but instead tells you to tell him so he can make sure his airhead remains empty. But I can see how he might not have seen the urgency, especially now your kids are old enough to communicate and I think you might be a bit unreasonable to expect him to have the same thought processes as you.

I imagine if you weren't there permanantly, then he would feed the kids as would be his responsibility, but it would be when he or they were hungry and not at a specific time.

I find it sad that so many people on here have useless partners and still make excuses for them. He could have asked the kids if they were hungry. He could have phoned op to check whether she was sorting out the evening meal or if he should make something for the kids. Ok your kids are older so it is not that much of a big deal from a parenting pov, they wouldn't have starved but it is his attitude that is piss poor. You shouldn't have to tell him to feed his own kids, doesn't matter if he is a good cook or not it is easy enough to rustle up a sandwich or eggs for the kids to eat. It is the fact that he doesn't think he did anything wrong, won't consider your point of view and is likely to do this again that I would be livid with.

When I first started back at work at the weekends my dh would always ask what the kids were going to eat for lunch. I always replied with whatever you make them on repeat. He quickly learned that this was his task. I would remind him that he was an equal parent to me, they would be in his sole care so it was up to him and he got it after s month or so.

If he is a keeper in other ways I would stop facilitating him and making his life easier.
If he is furloughed it doesn't matter that you normally make the evening meal about time he started too. You could start with him sorting out the kids lunch as I would expect yours to get their own breakfast. Then after a few weeks move on to him cooking an evening meal once a week then twice etc. Get him to take responsibility for the food shopping, send him with a list.

If you are prepared to work at this then small steps are best and massively lower your expectations. For instance he might feed the kids lunch but leave the dishes, for a first step that is annoying but not too bad. Do not step in and do the dishes though as you would undermine yourself.

If you can't stop the resentment and are unhappy in your relationship in other ways ltb.

Honestly what a lazy fucker! This would annoy me so much. The deeply ingrained idea that it is up to the woman to organise everything and do everything.