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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to tell dh to feed the children

128 replies

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 08/06/2020 20:31

I went out at 4.30pm to do the food shopping. I had to go to two different supermarkets to get everything we need and didn't get back until 6.45pm.

I come home To find dh in the home gym down the garden and our two children were playing video games without any dinner.

We have had two previous (ahem) conversations about the same thing happening when I have gone out and he has forgot to feed the children because he is doing things he wants to do. I actually thought he would have learnt from those times that it's unacceptable.

DH has said if something specific to happen when I am out I have to tell him. Eg if I want them to have dinner at dinner time I have to give him step by step instructions and 6.45pm is not too late. (ummm we try and put them in bed by 7.30pm).

I told him I will not parent him to parent our children and when he is the lone parent in the house he is in charge and responsible.

He said - this is just the way he is and I need to work with it.

AIBU?

(Disclaimer children are 10 and 7 and if really hungry could have told him/got cereal etc - but this is not the point).

OP posts:
Iggly · 09/06/2020 12:24

All the posts missing the point and querying the actual time of bedtime 🙄🙄🙄

YANBU OP

Riv · 09/06/2020 13:55

@SchadenfreudePersonified:
I love that 🤣

Londonmummy66 · 09/06/2020 13:56

At the moment he is taking this attitude because it makes his life easier and because he can. So you need to make the opposite the case. Stop doing his laundry and cooking for him. When he complains tell him that if he needs something doing he needs to tell you. When he objects just say that that is how you are and he needs to learn to live with it...........

SleepingStandingUp · 09/06/2020 14:01

I guess he lost track of time.because he was too busy putting his own needs ahead of his children of whom he was in sole care.

He may have thought you'd gone out at 4.30 pm on purpose, if you normally start cooking about 5? and the appropriate response to that would be to not feed the kids??

TerrorWig · 09/06/2020 14:09

He sounds like such a dickhead.

How would he react if you responded to his ‘this is just the way I am so deal with it’ with a ‘I don’t want to deal with it, so let’s get the divorce rolling’? Part of growing up is being able to accept you won’t always be able to just please yourself and blame others for your failings - he’s a father and still hasn’t grasped that?!

I would had been livid and probably would have asked him if he was just that stupid he needed a verbal prompt from me to feed his own kids. But then I’m hotheaded, and can be mean - on the flip side, the couple of occasions this has happened, husband (or me - happened both ways) has apologised as time got away from us.

dworky · 09/06/2020 14:19

@Selfsettling3

Do you not normally all eat together?
Why do people do this?
swaywithme · 09/06/2020 14:39

YANBU.

He said - this is just the way he is and I need to work with it.

This would really piss me off. It's not just the way he is. Presumably if something happened to you or if you had to go away for a week, he would soon learn to feed the kids and wouldn't need reminding when meal times are.

It doesn't matter if some people think 6:45 is early. It's not early for OPs kids or anyone who goes to bed at 7:30.

KaleJuicer · 09/06/2020 14:45

My husband would have done this. I was out and got delayed the other week and he hadn't thought to feed our 7 and 11 yr old lunch. by 3pm. The 7 yr old had found some chocolate to tuck into but the 11 yr old has ASD and no exec planning skills and was lolling listlessly on the couch. DH said that he hadn't thought to feed them because he wasn't hungry and I hadn't specifically asked him to Angry

Thurmanmurman · 09/06/2020 14:46

This would really annoy me. I'm surprised the kids didn't ask him though. Send him to the shop next time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/06/2020 18:10

"I see this in him now...but it took years and a trip to counselling to reveal that this is how he deals with shame. Deflection, shouting and tantrums. I can view it much more objectively now - but before I became a bit more savvy to his tricks - I used to be so upset."

It's all very well to view it objectively @myohmywhatawonderfulday - but this doesn't make 'how he deals with shame' acceptable behaviour. Who went to counselling - you alone, him alone, both separately or both together? Can you point him back to the counselling and tell him to buck up his ideas?

And @TerrorWig makes a good point - "How would he react if you responded to his ‘this is just the way I am so deal with it’ with a ‘I don’t want to deal with it, so let’s get the divorce rolling’?" Because that list of what's good about him was awfully short.

thecatsarecrazy · 09/06/2020 18:20

My dh is like this. It really pisses me off. He works from home at the moment, working in our bedroom. we have 3 children youngest is 3. I use Saturdays to catch up with housework change beds, vacuuming etc things I can't do in the week because it would disturb him. While I'm upstairs he does nothing. Doesn't make sure youngest has had a wee or a drink he thinks I should tell him. In the evening after I've cooked and done the washing up I like a bath. he doesn't think to tidy the front room

RandomMess · 09/06/2020 18:21

Do you both work?

If so you can delegate all the food shopping and cooking to him...

Leave him to sink or swim!

Reader1984 · 09/06/2020 18:29

10 yr old DSS goes to bed around 730/745 and reads until 815/830. That's not unusual I don't think.

YANBU. He is a parent and should think about his children's needs a little more!

DisobedientHamster · 09/06/2020 18:36

Another dickhead man who believes lifework is women's work. The little 'tips' - the floor needs hoovered, I'd have dumped just for that.

billy1966 · 09/06/2020 18:43

Lazy selfish waster of a husband OP.

Sounds like you have the measure of him.

They don't forget, they just can't be arsed.

This is who they are.

Clear as day.

How women can even look at men like this, is beyond me.

I wouldn't be able to stomach a man so selfish.

Protect yourself OP.

Pricks like your husband, are neither honorable nor trustworthy.

The only persons back the have is their own.
Flowers

Homebirdafterall · 09/06/2020 18:48

He sounds just like mine except he's too bloody lazy to exercise, he'd be in bed watching tv and eating snacks and would probably leave the children to starve.
He's the sort of person who gets in a strop if I haven't thanked him for doing the washing up.
A brick wall would be more useful and communicative, and at least I could hang pretty pictures on it.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 09/06/2020 22:04

Exh would have done this. If I was out for some reason, or late back from work, he would never have moved things forward at all, eg fed the kids , bathed them, started bedtime etc. It would always be a case of just keeping them alive until I got back. When ds in particular (the youngest) was little, if I went out he’d always try to make him nap the whole time, even if it was a really bad time like late afternoon and would make bedtime really tricky - which of course I then had to do.

He’s also do the “just pointing out” thing - almost as though his job was done jnpointjng out the housework (not the same at all as shouldering any mental load though) and mine could then be to do the housework that I had seen in the first place.

RedCarBluePlane · 09/06/2020 22:23

7.30 bedtime is early for a 10 year old.

Original poster
myohmywhatawonderfulday · 09/06/2020 23:33

Hi everyone, I have been working all day and only just got back on mumsnet.

I love the video and the Emma cartoons. Oh yes the mental load.

It got better because last night in a calm voice he said "but I am not going to apologise because I didn't do anything wrong".

Happily 97% of you understand where I was coming from.

To answer a few questions: Yes I did make the boys dinner but DH made my dinner because it was smelly salmon and he does it on the barbeque (man's cooking raaaa!). We did not eat together because I had nothing to say to him.

I don't know...his attitude to things like this (apologising, taking responsibility) does really stink.

Did you know that in Genesis Chaper 2, in the bible, the root words for women are 'rescuing strength' and the word used for men in Chapter 4- means 'weak willed'. Whoever wrote that had some primitive insight!!

OP posts:
Original poster
myohmywhatawonderfulday · 09/06/2020 23:36

My children share a bedroom sticking them both in at the same time - means the younger one drops off and the older one gets to read.
Seems like a win win to me but it seems like I am being a bit mean!!

OP posts:
NoWuckingForries · 10/06/2020 00:00

He's checked out. Maybe "the DC need to eat around five every day. If I'm not here you need to sort this out". He needs to takes turns to plan and cook meals. Maybe even to have the DC help? Fecking off to exercise for two hours and acting all confused when challenged isn't on.

We are both working. We take turns with preparing meals and plan what will will each need for a shopping list. I actually write what I need on a list as I go along and DC add things they want. During lockdown, Oh does the supermarket shop once a week. I cook on that night and clear up because that feel fair to us. I like to cook, we are organised, however the monotony of what's for dinner every damn day is still a pita.

It's telling that you says he is helpful. Sounds like you believe the responsibility is yours and he's helping you with your tasks. Time for a shake up.

NoWuckingForries · 10/06/2020 00:03

Your house your rules about bedtime.

My oh is folding laundry. He isn't helping with laundry, he's sorting it out and will put it away.

GabsAlot · 10/06/2020 00:36

dont know if i missed your answer op but does he usually do anything round the house

nanbread · 10/06/2020 00:50

OP I understand you've had counseling to understand his behaviour which has helped you to accept it for your own reasons, but what is it modelling for your children?

That it's ok to throw tantrums and shout when your don't like something, and abdicate responsibility even of your own children, and be stubborn and refuse to learn to grow?

Fuck that. I would not let that shit go unchecked around my children.

All partners and parents make mistakes but most try their best - is he even trying?

ZombieFan · 10/06/2020 01:37

If my OH went to the supermarket at 4:30 I would expect them to be buying the food for dinner.

Or if OH and kids had some pizza when I was out I would be really pissed off. Why cant he wait a few minutes for me to get home to have dinner as a family.

If it was that important why didn't you tell him you wouldn't be back in time for dinner, so to go ahead without you. I think you are being unfair here. And the bedtime is way to early.