Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to tell dh to feed the children

128 replies

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 08/06/2020 20:31

I went out at 4.30pm to do the food shopping. I had to go to two different supermarkets to get everything we need and didn't get back until 6.45pm.

I come home To find dh in the home gym down the garden and our two children were playing video games without any dinner.

We have had two previous (ahem) conversations about the same thing happening when I have gone out and he has forgot to feed the children because he is doing things he wants to do. I actually thought he would have learnt from those times that it's unacceptable.

DH has said if something specific to happen when I am out I have to tell him. Eg if I want them to have dinner at dinner time I have to give him step by step instructions and 6.45pm is not too late. (ummm we try and put them in bed by 7.30pm).

I told him I will not parent him to parent our children and when he is the lone parent in the house he is in charge and responsible.

He said - this is just the way he is and I need to work with it.

AIBU?

(Disclaimer children are 10 and 7 and if really hungry could have told him/got cereal etc - but this is not the point).

OP posts:
Dovefeather · 08/06/2020 22:01

Yabu

If it was 8.30 then I would say he was lazy and unreasonable.

But it was still fairly early, no one was hungry and they were all busy so I don’t see the problem. We have quite flexible mealtimes and I don’t see the problem with it. If we run out of time we do takeaway or just have something quick like scrambled eggs.

Also I would have waited to see what you had brought home from the shops before cooking something anyway.

Starbuggy · 08/06/2020 22:01

Of course YANBU

If his response had been “oh shit sorry I lost track of time” it would be annoying enough, but far more forgiveable than his attitude that it’s all your fault and he has no intention of even trying to take some responsibility

I really can’t stand people who take no responsibility for their own actions! Or people who refuse to parent their own children! Both highly unattractive qualities in a partner.

SunshineCake · 08/06/2020 22:03

What a pathetic man. I couldn't be having sex with such a useless father.

Tell him if he needs you to mother him too then...

WaxOnFeckOff · 08/06/2020 22:10

What an asswipe.

He could have asked children if they'd had dinner. If he thought you were bringing stuff in/were making dinner when you got back then he could have asked you once it was obvious that your weren't in making dinner. I'm not saying my DH is husband of the year but he would have least attempted to contact me if he wasn't sure whether to feed them or not and if he couldn't, he'd have hedged his bets by giving them something unlikely to completely ruin their appetite but enough to keep them going until you appeared either with dinner or not. i.e. some toast or similar.

The reason he didn't sort anything is simply because he couldn't be bothered.

Russellbrandshair · 08/06/2020 22:13

Urgh I bet he’s one of those men who refers to themselves as “babysitting” their own kids.

What a feckless prick. How can you find him attractive?!! Men like him who need to be told to do everything as if they don’t have any sensible or original thoughts of their own make me drier than the Sahara.

ECBC · 08/06/2020 22:14

Ugh what a load of crap. Hate it when people try to shrug off responsibility like that. He’s need to carry his part of the mental load.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/06/2020 22:14

Yanbu and 7.30 is an absolutely normal bedtime for a 7 year old, the extra hour of reading makes 8.30pm fine for a 10 year old (my 10 year old niece has the same bedtime).

LovePoppy · 08/06/2020 22:15

Do you not normally discuss what the meals will be each day?

Yester · 08/06/2020 22:16

Did he then cook? Or did you?
If you did. He knew that would happen. My DH hated doing bedtime and the rare times he would do it would almost deliberately fuck it up so I would have to take over. (Tbf on him he does 90% cooking and laundry still fucking annoying)

KeepWashingThoseHands · 08/06/2020 22:23

If you don't feed the DC on time in my house, the parent in charge runs the risk of a limb being gnawed on. It's like looking after a cross between a hobbit and a shark.

He sounds lazy.

okiedokieme · 08/06/2020 22:27

6.45 seems like perfect dinner time - if I was out shopping at that time of day it would be assumed I would bring in a rotisserie chicken.

Echobelly · 08/06/2020 22:27

My DH will never fecking remember to feed the kids unless I tell him to. TBF, if I wasn't there to tell him I was hungry, he wouldn't eat dinner until late at night, it just doesn't seem to register with him that others might be hungry at a different time.

LolaSmiles · 08/06/2020 22:34

If he had lost track of time,everyone was happy and he was helpful on realising then I'd say YABU. I'd also say he might have a point if you all normally eat together, you nipped out at 4.30pm and you normally cook so he waited until you were back rather than start something to eat with the kids when you could be back any minute.

However, his overall attitude stinks and that's a much bigger issue than everyone having tea a little late. He is disrespectful to you and expects you to be grateful for the tiny crumbs of adulting he manages, which he only gives you on his terms. YANBU.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 08/06/2020 22:36

I would get the deflection, shouting, tantrum and then sulking.

I would also get the important reminders 'We're out of coffee, the kitchen's looking a mess' etc. Somehow not suggesting everything had become my responsibility but he was just 'pointing' these things out.

Being out of milk for his coffee was the reason we finally split up.

LouLouLoo · 08/06/2020 22:38

He didn't forget, he couldn't be bothered and knew you'd do it when you got home.

mylittlesandwich · 08/06/2020 22:39

MN makes me laugh sometimes. Okie it may be in your family that it would be assumed you were bringing in a chicken but for every other family to assume the same would be a bit strange. I only ever buy one if it's reduced. I'd rather buy a chicken and cook it myself. If I was going to bring in something to eat I'd call DH and tell him to hold dinner, and check he hadn't already started cooking.

OP I'd be annoyed too, not really by the not cooking but more at his attitude. If I were out at dinner time it would be discussed what was happening as far as dinner but if something went awry I would not expect that attitude at all.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 08/06/2020 22:39

He can hold down presumably, but can't be a grown up at home?

Fuck that.

Do nothing for him until he sorts himself out.

killerofmen · 08/06/2020 22:40

So who made dinner? If you, he's got no reason to change the way he's acting.

BusyProcrastinator · 08/06/2020 22:43

Can you start making your DH do 50% of the cooking/parenting even when you’re home?

If not, you’re a single parent and should consider divorce.

Thinkofthekids · 08/06/2020 22:43

he was just 'pointing' these things out

Yes. This rings a bell here too. The floor needs hoovering, there's plates on the kitchen surface, the toys need tidied up, the bins need taking out....instead of just doing it, DH is 'helpful' by bringing these things to my attention. Standard response now is 'that's not a priority for me at the moment but you can do it if you like'.

Cheeseismymiddlename · 08/06/2020 22:49

I timed my then 10 year old bed time routine for between 7 and 8 pm. I can't imagine a scenario where I would take myself off even as far as a home gym at the bottom of a garden to do my own thing if I was the parent around over a meal time. Especially the evening meal when bed time was looming. So I don't think YABU. I would be really annoyed too,

FlamedToACrisp · 08/06/2020 23:00

@BackforGood

To me it depends on what normally happens. You said that you normally start preparing your evening meal at around 5. If I want someone to do something that I would normally do, then , yes, I would ask them to do it if I weren't going to be able to.

I mean, I know there are a considerable number of posters on MN that will automatically assume the man is wrong simply because he is a man, but he's got a point here.

Of course, none of us know the detail about who is working what hours, how much each of you pull your weight etc etc, but, just going on the OP, I don't think he is unreasonable.

I agree with all of this. If you normally cook dinner, why would he suddenly get psychic powers and know he's supposed to do it today?
LannieDuck · 08/06/2020 23:08

YANBU. The kids have an approximate meal time, and if one of us is out the other sorts their food. It's not rocket science.

OP, do you do all the cooking normally? Perhaps he needs to start doing half the week?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/06/2020 12:21

Apologies if you've seen this already, but it's worth watching