AIBU to break up their wedding (*trigger:abuse)?

[alicejen]

OK I am kind of joking but not...

My best friend (BF) I've known for 5 years now. I am her maid of honour. Her fiancé is VERY controlling. I'll give some quick examples: every weekend MUST be spent together, he doesn't like her seeing her friends by herself (e.g. girls nights), he fakes being sick so she can't go to her friends and has to come home, he picks her up from her sporting event with our company and watches (no one else does - it's weird), when she's at work dinners if she doesn't respond in a certain time frame then he will call the restaurant to get hold of her, she isn't allowed abroad without him, my hen-do is abroad and he said he will go and stay in a different hotel to us to keep an eye out (!!!!!), he has gone on other hen dos (stayed in the neighbouring hotel/room and dropped her there and picked her up), if I meet her for dinner he will text me to make sure it's not a cover up and always calls her when she is meant to be there, if she doesn't respond in time he will text me and ask me to send him her calendar (we used to work together), at work events he texts asking her to check in every half hour and I'm usually asked to remind her to text him....
and if you don't see how awful he is, he has also said he didn't have sex with his first girlfriend because she was poor and he didn't want her to get pregnant to use him for money/trap him (they met at a top university - she is still not pregnant to this day and has a good job). His family still send her facebook pictures in the family group chat to make fun of how fat she is.

So my BF was meant to get married this year but COVID...this meant the hen was also delayed. So me and her other good friend organised a virtual hen do. On the game we played answers the fiance gave to one of the games and he was HORRID in them. In all fairness, he says these things in real life, he always puts her down and it was the reason I hated him when I first met him before I learned of his controlling behaviour. However, BF was very embarrassed. We hadn't watched the videos before playing them in the call because we were also playing the game. She confronted her fiance who told her that everything he said he was told to say by me/the other girl. She believes him.
She doesn't blame me and isn't angry but says to make sure it doesn't happen again and it upset her. She says she believes him 100%.

I feel super manipulated. He doesn't like me as I like going out with my own friends, I am not controlled by my fiance, I like to go on girls holidays and I believe in having a separate life. He also hates the other girl for the same reason.

What would you do? Something that hit me recently was my mum - she said this is how it starts and one day he will become physical - is this true?
She seems happy despite the control, I think she sees it as a sign of love?

I am not sure about this is how it starts - she is actually already deep in an abusive relationship.

Oh goodness me.

Could you and your other friend(s) get together and speak to her?

The worry is that this is gearing up to getting ultimately what he wants - her to be isolated with no friends and completely dependent on him. The signs are so clearly there.

I think try and stage a friend-vention. Does she have a sister or mum that you’re close to that could also help with this. Even if it goes tits up, be there for her. She will need you. Xxx

I don't understand what he did re. the game. Is this a game where you ask the two people in the couple the same questions and hope they match? And was vocally unpleasant (about his fiancée?) in his replies, which you didn't pre-evt so they upset your friend. But he says you told him what to say?

Many might disagree, but I would confront her and be completely honest about how I feel about her fiance. First of all, I would not lie down about him lying to her about that video. I would refuse to let that go and allow her to think you're a liar without speaking up. Secondly, I could not just stand by and stay silent about how horrible and abusive this man is. If she is truly your best friend, I don't see how you can remain mute about this abuse.

It may very well result in the end of your friendship, but that's a risk I would take as opposed to staying quiet. At least she could never say "you didn't warn me." I would tell her how much I care about her and ask if she really believed I don't have her best interests at heart. After that, let the chips fall where they may.

Thats horrific abuse and extremely controlling behaviour. I have no idea how you can make her realise how bad this is if shes in denial. I would definitely want to intervene hopefully someone can give advice how to do so without her defending him and possibly cutting you out if she's in this deep.

This happened to me, and yes it does eventually get physical

Having said that, I never listened to friends or family who told me what would happen, it’s only when he cheated on me that I left and I’ve met my DH who treats me like we’re in a normal loving relationship and look back and see how horrific ex really treated me

This is very worrying, you need to tread very carefully so she doesn't cut you off leaving her even more isolated. Speaking to her family is probably a good idea. What have you said to her about his behaviour up to now, how is she excusing his behaviour? Some sort of professional advice would be useful for you - maybe contact a women's charity or similar. ensure she knows you will always be there if she needs you even if she tries to go no contact.

Whether it gets physical or not, is not the point. You need to find a way of stopping the wedding. He's a controlling abusive bastard who will get worse once they're married and if she was to get pregnant....

Think about who she might listen to - if anyone. If there's no 1 person then ask everyone who knows her to talk to her.

Yes it will get worse but I am not sure what you can do about it without putting her in danger.

I would do as other posters have suggested. Confront her and tell her the truth. If she chooses not to believe you which it already sounds is the case there is nothing you can do. I would however make it very clear she can contact you whenever she’s ready to deal with/confront the matter and you’ll help her. I would also try and speak to a relative or parent and fill them in so she has someone else to support her. If she’s not ready to deal with this and leave you can shout until you’re blue in the face, it isn’t going to make a difference. Or you can stand by and be party to this but that’s only a decision you can make. Personally I couldn’t do that. Xxx

Wouldnt break up wedding as nothing to do with u. I'd have a chat with her and offer her your spare room if she needs it. Hes prob told her of they split up shes alone with no where to go

Some posters are concerned that if you confront her she may cut you off, and that's true. However, I guarantee once the wedding is over, he will do whatever it takes to get you out of your friend's life. Abusers like him always work this way. It's not an immediate, one swoop to isolate their partners, it's a calculated long con. Once she's married to him, she's trapped and he knows it. The abuse will ramp up to extreme levels.

Can you record him admitting that he wasn't told to say those things by you and your friend and then give the evidence to her?
ie phone him and say 'why did you say we manipulated you to answer in a certain way?' and see what he says -but record it on another phone.

Your choice here is to say to her - you are in a really really abusive and dangerous relationship -here is the stuff that I have witnessed this isn't normal or ok and I'm very worried. or keep quiet.

In your situation I would do the above and sit her down face to face with your friend (and any recording if you have it and say) we both think x he has done all these things- we are worried for you and we want you to be safe and end the relationship. It's not normal. What do her parents think?

Her future will be he gets her pregnant, she gives up work and he has total control.

Do you know her parents?

@croquemonsieur exactly that

I couldn’t stay quiet. Just spell out what you have said here. Hopefully if enough people say it she may listen. You could always block him and not pass on his messages.
But leave the door open for her when she needs it. I think your mum is right this could quite easily turn physical if it hasn’t already.

I would meet her and tell her that you promise her 100% that what was said was nothing to do with either you or your other friend.

That you love her and you wouldn’t do that to her.

She may not be ready to acknowledge that she believes you, but I bet deep down she’ll know it’s the truth.

He sounds terrifying, is she afraid to be on her own?

Above pp is exactly right about being pregnant too.

This isn’t “how it starts”.
It’s fully formed and deeply abusive.
It may already be physical behind closed doors.

Can’t tell you what to do but can say that when my friend was in a mentally abusive relationship I told her I couldn’t be involved in any way. That I’d be there for her but if I saw him I was gonna tear him a new one out loud and for all to hear.

It rocked our friendship but in the end she dumped him and we’re good friends again now.
I think she needed me to stop giving him permission by my silence.

Oh dear.

I am the ultimate peace-keeper and will let any amount of crap go, just to keep everyone happy.

However, there are so many alarm bells ringing here. OP even if you say nothing else, you have to tell your friend that her husband to be is not telling the truth when he claims that he told you and your other friend to say certain things.

She may well be angry with you (which would be my own fear), but you would then just have to keep a low profile until it all goes wrong. Which it will.

You really are being a good friend if you don't just let her sleepwalk into this.

Been there,

My friend announced the night before her secret wedding that she was getting married to a highly manipulative man, he played her off against all her friends, made her stop seeing her sister, he would blame her for everything and move out to a hotel every time they fell out to give her time to think about what she had done and give her time to apologise!

She actually has a powerful job and I can’t believe she lives like this fast forward a few months and she wouldn’t speak to me due to my reaction a thing her telling us she wasn’t getting married

I know it’s him getting into her head, bizarrely she still talks to the other girls in the group but I feel I’ve been targeted as the gobby friend and she says been forced to cut contact.

He’s a dick and I can’t agree with the wedding, they are still together portraying the perfect couple.

I don’t regret regret I what I said, I’ve lost a friend, however I couldn’t stand by and not say anything,

This is such a difficult one. I think ultimately you can tell her how you feel and point her in the direction of articles etc about abusive relationships but she will ultimately make her own mind up. All you can do is reassure her she has a safe place to go to if she chooses this.
Sadly I have heard friends say in general conversation o he gets so jealous or bf/dh would never let me do/wear that or go there. They say it in a way that they are proud of it. Like it proves how much they are loved.
This mentality is hard to crack.

I have told my friend what the truth is - she says it's a misunderstanding between me and him. I've left it at that and she's trying to talk normally now as she hates confrontation.

Her parents are divorced after her mum cheated. Her mum is an alcoholic (she can't talk about this with her fiancé as he doesn't like it so I have to keep all issues secret) and her dad is very wealthy. She is close to her mum but definitely odd in the way they interact so I think her past has something to do with her acceptance of his behaviour.

She always tells me about the controlling behaviour in a way to brag. She's not telling me because it's an issue, she lets me know when she thinks it's a sign of love "can you believe my man drove me all the way to this hen do and is staying next door so he can take me home?"

I see the abuse clearly. Her other friends do too, he also came on the hen do call and never lets me FaceTime her without being in the next room. I can't text about anything secret because he reads her messages.

We aren't allowed to go clubbing for the hen do and must stay in doors playing games.